New lease on life

 I almost died.  Unrelated to my liver issues, I developed stomach issues including a hole in my stomach, gallstones, a hernia and 2 ulcers.  I had 2 surgeries and after the second one, the hole in my stomach did not seal properly and toxins flooded my system causing me to hallucinate and was delusional for 2-3 days.  I spent 11 days in ICU and a few more in the hospital before returning home.  A few days later, when I was finally coherent enough to understand what happened, the surgeon said to me discretely "Just so you know, we pulled you back.  We didn't know if you would make it."

That pretty much sums up the last few months for me.  I have been off work pretty much all summer and fall and I am scheduled to back on October 14.

I have dealt with a lot of tough issues over the years including getting pregnant at a young age, raising 3 kids and the trials and tribulations therein, Andrew's death, my own health issues over the past 2 years, but nothing has hit me like this one. I still struggle with determining what was real and what was a delusion while I was in the hospital.  For my sanity, I have accepted some of the realities, and reject some of the delusions, and I have put many thoughts aside as my brain won't allow me to discern their validity.  This works for the most part, but still sometimes pops into my head as I fall asleep and can sometimes haunt my dreams.  Hopefully this will ease with time.

I am not the same person that I was, both mentally and physically, and I don't think I can ever be that person again.  I find myself tired out more often and it has taken longer than I anticipated to get back to being physically active.  I find I am less patient with others and I have become much more introverted compared to my previous outgoing personality.  This is compounded by COVID restrictions where we have limited options for travel, events and gatherings.

It is interesting times that we are currently living in as COVID has really brought out the best and worst in people and has changed the world as we knew it.  My own state of health coincides with the global outbreak and I am often unsure whether how I am feeling is as a result of my own struggles or the world around me as I watch others struggle also with the new reality.  

I read a quote and I can't remember the exact wording or the author, but it said that the things that used to work for me no longer work, so I have to discover new things.  I am entering a new chapter in my life, as is the rest of the world, albeit for different reasons.  I am hopeful that Tim 2.0 can adapt and find his way.

On a side note, this whole situation has been hard on Cheryl as she struggles to deal with Andrew's death, Dan & Vicki's issues, and dealing with my continuing health saga while also balancing a work life, friendships and dealing with her own thoughts on all of these issues.  Through my ordeal, Cheryl has been the one constant to bring me back to reality as I struggle with maintaining relationships with friends and family who are expecting me to return to my "usual" self.  

On the positive side, both kids seem to be surviving on their own and Cheryl and I are adapting to our empty nest.  Learning to cook for two has been a struggle.  We are also in the process of redoing our upstairs flooring removing the old carpeting.  The floor looks good and will hopefully help Cheryl's breathing issues.

So that's the scoop for now. I'm doing everything I can to maintain a regular lifestyle and hoping to improve over time.  Onward and upward.

2 years

2 years ago today my world was crushed.  When the two policemen showed up at our door at 2 am and told me that I should wake Cheryl as well, I knew things were not going to go well.  It was like they were talking in slow motion as I was in a total state of shock.  We often hear of accidents and incidents from cops but rarely do we hear the word "dead".  I didn't know then, and perhaps still don't know now, how to process this.  I know we always had our differences, but such is life.  In my experience, typically people find a common ground and meet in the middle somewhere as we have to move forward.  Such was not the case with you.  I can't say I fully understood your choices, but I always hope that we would find that middle-ground at some point down the road.  God knows I fought with my parents over the years, but we always found that middle-ground eventually and I assumed that you and I would as well.  

I keep wondering if anything I did contributed to this tragedy but, in the end, and for my own sanity, I have to believe that this was an accident and not a deliberate act of desperation.  I wish I could have been there to guide you, but I always found that any time I tried you pulled away.  

It is all water under the bridge now as we will never find that middle-ground.  My only hope now is to remember the great moments of our time together as the darker moments will hopefully fade in the background.  I hope to do better with Dan & Vicki as time passes, but they, too, have their issues.  I hope to be as supportive to them as I wish I was to you.  

I will always love you.

Dad

Jenn Bostic - Jealous of the angels.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBg9btpGqKU

You don't play the result

Michael J. Fox - 

You know, there’s a rule in acting called “Don’t play the result.” If you have a character who’s going to end up in a certain place, don’t play that until you get there. Play each scene and each beat as it comes. And that’s what you do in your life: You don’t play the result.

So you get diagnosed with Parkinson’s, and you can play the result. You can go right to, “Oh, I’m sick.” It took me seven years to figure out that I’m not at the result. I’m not at the result till the end. So let’s not play it. It’s not written yet. And so that’s the attitude I take in life. Another expression is “Act as if.” Act as if it’s the way you want it to be, and it’ll eventually morph into that. 

Redemption

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TIuX_etKbJg

I have thrown out what I thought I knew and I am starting anew. Between Andrew, Covid, and multiple deaths as well my own realizations of the briefness of our time on this earth, I am trying to rebuild my confidence and limited understanding of this world. Work in progress. Will keep you updated.