Macro/Micro, Zen Logic & Stretching

Macro/Micro

I am zoning in the micro level of many things.  Micro-wins, micro-losses.  Every little win or loss needs to be counted.  While I used to ONLY focus on macro level things like parties, events, concerts, trips etc., I NOW focus on micro level things like feeling good leaving the gym, walking on a beach, biking in the fresh air, hearing good news.  The macro events still happen and are counted, but by focusing on the micro level, it takes the pressure of the macro level stuff to be perfect.   Enough micro wins can legitimately affect a state of mind, or conversely micros losses can make you feel depressed. 

Zen Logic

My two sides meet like yin and yang.  The relaxed state of a philosopher who knows that knowing is all well and good, but strives for meaning and and answers.  My practicality can be militaristic and severe which often makes me question what the point of being practical is if it means I save myself the stress of living by smoothing the path.

Stretching

When I stretch my mind beyond where it is used to, it becomes spring-like.  The big thoughts that I had before do not seem so big now.  Just like stretching my body, it is good to stretch my brain.  Stretching the boundaries slightly in all directions, ensures that the mind does not close in on itself and become like a stale balloon.  Instead it remains full of air and life and meaning.

Ramble

Sometimes writing is like hedging my bets I don't think I have anything particularly noteworthy or brilliant to say but I try and write down a lot of the smarter things that I do say just in case I need to revisit this or if there are future people might be interested in how I thought along my journey

I have been thinking a lot lately in computer terms and metaphors one in particular right now is the changing of primary to secondary importance and priority from my work life to my personal life

As I walk through Home Depot a cashier me through the self checkout. I could easily have gone through myself which was the purpose of the machine but instead she rang me through which makes me wonder about and the satisfaction they get from them. Is this what she wants to be doing every day when a machine next to her can do the same thing.  That must be very dehumanizing.

I also purchased my prescriptions from Murphy's Pharmacy and waited in line behind a woman who had to pay several bills with several different account numbers in cash and it was a really slow process this is stuff that I take for granted and just takes me 2 seconds while this woman a 15 minutes.

If I can learn to accept the uncomfortable it makes the comfortable all that much better

"We need to narrow the gap between our rhetoric and our reality." ~ Michael Ignatieff 

Sam Adams that says something along the lines of nothing changes a man's ability to negotiate more than knowing he's being hanged in the morning.

Hope versus optimism.  We need to look to the Past to when they thought things were insurmountable and they had hope up today hope even though it seems implausible even though things don't make sense

 

Wakes and Cancer and Death, Oh my

 This one is gonna be a a long rambling piece as I do not have the energy to edit or streamline my thoughts coherently.  This will be an exercise in free writing on a theme.  The theme is a weekend full of death and death-adjacent stuff.

We spent Friday night driving to Morell to go to Wade Czank's mom's wake.  It was cold and dark and wet, but Cheryl felt we should go.  When we walked into the small funeral home, a group of people were mid-rosary in a cult-like chanting zone.  Just a little bit triggering for me.  Cheryl motions for me to sit down which I do and listen to the incessant drone of fruit among women drilling into the recesses of my mind and stirring up ancient memories of previous incantations.  Not knowing how far into the droning we were, I found my happiness and luckily the droning was short-lived.  We then waited at the front of the funeral parlour where Melody loudly explained to us about the 91st anniversary of their store which seemed particularly loud and unnecessary in a small venue. 

Saturday we went to visit Barb Tait at Dad's and I failed to remember that my visits with Dale and Barb have been separate from Dad's for a long time now and how I interacted with Dale and Barb is not how dad and Joyce do.  It was great to see Barb and we have made plans to visit her again in Moncton before Christmas.

Sunday we went to visit Kilby at her request.  Her Ovarian Cancer has returned a 3rd time and this time it is inoperable and aggressive.  We opened up a dialog, but it has been so long since we connected I am unsure how to proceed here.  She seems to have a good support system in place, so I think my best course of action is just to see what she reaches out with.  

A couple of other death-related topics this weekend.  Richard Michaud's parents died within 48 hours of each other.  Sherri Quinn's father died at his 75th birthday party just after the party was over.  This seems like a good way to go.  Surrounded by family and everyone happy and together.  Also of note, I listened to the story of Jane Little, an orchestral conductor who died conducting her final orchestra doing what she loved.

Lots of data there - What is the output?  Live, Love, laugh, be happy, don't be a dick, life is short, it never goes the way you plan, do what you gotta do, let your freak flag fly, carpe diem, yolo, if it isn't working drop it, don't waste time you don''t have, but at the same time slow down and enjoy the things that are important to you.  Don't race to jump onto other people's journeys.  Your own will arrive.  When you allow yourself to see it.  Don't get bogged down in work, but work hard and dilligently when you do.  Measure twice, cut once.  Better yet, measure 10 times, cut once.  No one says the second measurement is a guarantee.  Take risks, but take calculated risks.  Know your rough chances before you take the leap, but sometimes take the leap anyway regardless of the chances.

Steering dangerously close to the sunscreen song now, so that's my cue to stop typing.

Tim - When you re-read this later in life.  Don't forget that music is the key.  Whenever you are feeling down.  Music:  Play it, listen to it, groove to it, dance to it, feel it.  Deep down, the beat of the music speaks directly into my soul and has brought me back from so many dark places.  Start with a little Stevie Wonder - Superstition and feel the groove from there.

Sober Second Thought

It has been a while since I posted here.  I have been writing a lot lately, but focusing more on journaling, and shorter pieces rather than posting here.

It has been a busy couple of weeks as I had to delve deeper into work than I normally do which mean I was a bit more work-focused and thus less creative and relaxed.  It was only temporary and I am back today.  

Cheryl and I have developed a really good groove where we try to maintain as much consistency and balance between the two of us, which allows us more ability to focus on how best to handle the outside world.  It is a learning curve, as has been everything in our lives, as we are moving against the grain from our typical learned behaviour developed over 30 years.  Overall, it has been fantastic.  I find we very rarely argue, even though we invariably come at things from very different perspectives.  And, of late, the only things that get either of us riled up involves the outside world.  

On a more esoteric level, I feel better connected at work as I spent a lot of time over the last couple of weeks attending economic events and networking.  I feel plugged in and in-tune with the world around me which tracks for me cyclically.  November is typically my time at work to set the groundwork for all of the documents that will be required for the coming year.  That happens here after the summer break and once new economic outlooks are set up.  I now recognize the cyclical patterns in my work environment and can plan farther ahead to keep my stress level low.  

I am also working on taking an extra beat before everything.  Before replying.  Before hitting send.  Before cutting someone off.  This sober second thought takes very little time, offers unlimited "ass-saving" potential and has already helped me out significantly.  If you listen carefully people tell you exactly what they need even if THEY don't know it.  Listening to a person's word choice, vibe, demeanor and allowing THEM extra time to either clarify, think further, or dig further in.  Either way, it is more intel available for me.  And more often than not, this information, as it has been purged from the depths is often VERY revealing.  This can allow you to help, or at the very least understand the point that they were TRYING to get to as it is THAT particular place they chose to stop. Much like a balloon that runs out of air, that is the moment to take a beat and think carefully about the words and direction to choose next.  

Most people do not do this.  This is a competitive edge.  This is one of the things that separates how I think from many of the people around me.  I think like this, and I have the ability to articulate my thoughts into rational, logical explanations.

Friendship

I had to let a friend go.  They did not die.  We did not just fizzle out.  The friendship had not just run its course.  I had to make a deliberate decision to actively not associate with that person again.  I have never had to do that before.  It felt kind of like a break-up.  Which is also something that I have not done before.  It was, and is still, very difficult.  

I have always tried to get along with everyone.  I generally try to bend my ideas into a way that accepts other people's narratives.  This is healthy.  Generally.  But it also needs to be tempered with a measure of limitation.  I can't bend to everyone.  At 50, this was the first time that I could not bend enough to adequately include a friend in my world.  At first this felt sad, but it is very freeing.  By bending towards only select people, I can dismiss some of the noise and chaos that does not resonate with the peaceful world I am trying to foster. 

Friendships at 50 for me are very different to previous friendships that I have fostered.  I have a depth and a confidence in me that forces me to question things.  I used to try to hide this using alcohol to dull the monotony and chaos around me.  Now that I don't do that, I need more depth from my friendships, not more friends.  I am open to meeting new people, but they will have to clear different hurdles than other friends.

On a side note, I am realizing that the parent-child relationship is not based on the strict morality of right and wrong as it is with most adult relationships.  Instead, it is predicated on a complex set of factors that is not apparent to either party.