Liminal Awareness

 I have talked here about liminal points, key points of transition in my life.  Typically, I see those points in the review mirror after the fact.  Times like going to university.  Getting Pregnant.  Getting Married.  Buying our first house.  Having 3 kids.  As well as numerous milestones and liminal points along the way. 

I am currently aware of being in the middle of a liminal point.  Kind of like being in the eye of the hurricane.  I am making numerous realizations in real time as I prepare to retire from government and move on to whatever comes next.  Some of the realizations that I have made include:

• I never really wanted to work for government, in fact I was vehemently against it as I watched my dad work for government over the years.  That said, I see colleagues now that have chosen this career specifically and trained for it and are willing to go the extra mile for what they are searching for in Government. 
• I worked hard in Government for 25 years and went above and beyond for most of my career.  Things are getting stale now and that is natural. 
• I am seeing signs everywhere that it is time to go including all of my network contacts over the years being retired, moving on or dying.  This includes Gordon Cobb who passed away recently while still working for ACOA. 
• For years I was focused on money.  While money is important, I am now realizing that it is time to slow down a bit and enjoy the fruits of our labours.  Cheryl is actively pursuing here Masters in Island studies which has many potential travel opportunities.  The kids have moved out and are doing ok on their own.  The amount of money that we need to get by has decreased significantly, so I can now slow down and "do what feels right" as opposed to "Doing what pays the bills".  I may or may not work somewhere else, but if I do, I hope it is fun. 
• More to follow as my official retirement date is tentatively March 17, 2025, although I am technically off work now.

Another year winding down

Tomorrow is December 11th.  Andrew would have been 33.  Crazy.  

Much has changed in 6 years as both Dan & Vicki are out on their own and both employed.  Cheryl is working on her Masters in Island Studies and finding new and exciting adventures through this program including potential travel to other Islands.  I am hoping to retire early in the coming months as I wait for a new Federal program that allows for early retirement without penalty to be implemented.  I am looking forward to getting away from the Federal system as I feel completely burned out and frustrated with current changes to the system.  

It has been a long road to this point employment-wise as I look back and realize that the job served me well over the years when I needed it, even though I had never planned to work for government, but now it is time for me to move on.  I will have much more to say on this topic, but I am reluctant to delve too deeply until the retirement process has been completed.  I will add that this reminds me of when I left Watts Communications 25 years ago, but on a much larger scale.

Happy birthday Andrew.  As always your presence is felt and continues to shape how our family evolves.  You would be happy to know that we all seem to get along well and that everyone seems to be moving forward in their lives.  

Another friend gone

Kilby Delaney passed away on Friday night.  She had been sick for a while with cancer, but she hung on for quite a long time.  Up until 2 days before her passing she was posting on facebook and making plans to attend activities such as canvas painting.

Although I haven't spoken to Kilby in a while, we go way back to Osborne Street in the early 80's.  This, among many other things lately, are a reminder to me that life is short and you need to live it.  Sometimes life can end like it did for Kilby and Winston, and sometimes you get more chances like Randy Burrows heart attack, Mark Sambrooke's brain cancer, Paula & Jill's health scare as well as my own experiences with my liver and stomach.  The bottom line is that you don't know when or how we are going to go.  It reminds me of a discussion Winston & I had in high school when he quoted the old adage, "that which does not kill me makes me strong", to which I replied, "But how do you know what is going to kill you until you try it?"  Life is meant to be lived and I am getting back on track with that as I start to realize that my job is not going the way I thought it would and that I never really chose this career.  I am hoping to do something more fun, or at least something I can leave at the door for work in the near future. 

To Kilby, I quote our old high school dumb jokes:

• Ask me if I'm a tree
• Are you a tree?
• No, why do I look like a tree?

• Your door is ajar
• No, my door is a door, a jar is a thing that you store food in!

Rest in peace, Kilby.

 

Battery Charged. Another Liminal Point. Change is afoot.

 

Cheryl and I spent last weekend in Cape Breton driving and hiking the Cabot Trail.  It has been on our bucket list for a few years now.  It was absolutely spectacular.  The views, the hills, the people, the hiking, the gondola ride to the top of Cape Smokey.  It was all a great experience with no distractions.

It gave me time to put things in perspective in my life and to make a few decisions about my future.  I got into Government as a means to support my family when I was young with the goal of exiting in 2030 which would give me 30 years and full pension when I retired.  A lot has changed in my life in the last 30 years and I have come to realize that I am not the man I used to be nor are my goals the same.  My kids are doing ok, we have a house and 2 new cars and I no longer need to wait until 2030 to retire.  Granted, I will take a significant penalty by leaving early, but my sanity is worth more than that penalty.  I have been burned out and stressed out and frustrated over the last couple of years and it has been getting steadily worse.  

I am currently on sick leave until February and am seriously contemplating an early retirement so that I can do something else.  I am not sure what that is, but I want more control over my employment.  I want things to be fun rather than dreading going to work each day.  

As I came to this realization, and even as I type this here, I can feel the weight lifting off my shoulder.  I am excited to see what the future will bring.

Battery

Sometimes I feel like a battery.  When I was young and my battery was new, it was fully charged and would take almost no time to recharge fully to its original state.  As I get older, much like a battery, I don't seem to be able to hold the charge for as long, and when I do try to recharge it can take a long time and does not fully charge to 100%.  Also, the battery drains much quicker than it used to.

The writer in me

 

I just finished reading Randy Burrows first book, The Top 2%.  It was an enjoyable summary of his family life during the years around Covid and Hurricane Fiona.  I found Randy's writing style to be a lot like mine.  Very casual and laid back with a slight tinge or humour and sarcasm in the background.  It was great to see someone that I know write a book like this.  I have been writing a lot over the years and I am hoping that I after I retire I can get back to it.  I find that when I try to write now, I get pulled into government mode which is more formal and just about the facts.  I am hoping to find my groove again when I am not tied to templates and rules when writing. 

Changing it up

 

When people think about quitting, it’s hard because they’re comparing the rich web of attachments they have now to some mostly blank slate, or, worse, the possibility of disaster. However, what’s more realistic to imagine, if you’re leaving something you’re no longer aligned with, is a future with more to love than you have now. Those things you will be attached to in the future are currently obscured by the impassable barrier of time, but they’re still out there. ~ Cate Hall In praise of quitting - by Cate Hall - Useful Fictions

This quote resonated with me as I near the end of my government career.  It was not what I had originally planned, nor was it something I ever really wanted, but it became ingrained in me as a piece of who I am.  Now that I am thinking about opportunities beyond this career, I have little to compare it to other than the few sporadic jobs I had before my government career.  These were typically unfulfilling and just a means to pay the bills.  Now I have this blank slate in front of me with unlimited options and I am both excited and confused.  Excited by the possibilities, but confused as I have not really fully chosen my own path since high school.  

Momentum

 

I finally cleared out Joe's motorcycle from my barn.  It has been sitting there gathering dust and rust since 2007.  With that gone, I was able to clean and straighten the barn which was very cathartic.  As I began to move the bike inside the barn, it was extremely heavy and I thought it might tip over on me.  The wheels were slow to turn and the body stiff from lack of movement.  But once I hit the small slope of the ramp down to the grass, the momentum and weight of the bike made it lighter and I was able to roll it across the yard and lean it against the woodpile. 

Such is life.  Things can be heavy and stiff, but with momentum the tasks become easier.  I am in a much better place lately now that I am on some anxiety medication.  I am hopeful that I am only on it temporarily, but it has changed my frame of mine significantly over the past 2 months.  I find I have the energy to socialize more, albeit I still prefer small groups to larger groups, but it has been good to catch up with old friends and colleagues.  

Some significant events so far during the summer of 2025:

• Dan & Carly got engaged on the beach.
• Dan travelled to Moncton &  Halifax for work for training in his new role as manager for his work at the airport.
• Vicki is doing well at Red Shores Casino with a steady income and a mentor.  She is starting to see the value  of her time, effort, and education paying off.
• Vicki and her Boyfriend travelled to Montreal for a weekend adventure.  Vicki's first real significant travel on her own.
• Cheryl had a crazy June both teaching and taking classes at UPEI as well as teaching statistics classes for provincial government. 
• I am back at work and doing well.  
• I have taken vacation for 2 weeks, and the weather has been perfect for the entire duration.  
• Cheryl and I went to Moncton for a night to visit with Sean & Kat Nason and Greg Pineo and Sabrina.  Great night of music, telling old stories and remembering where I came from. 
• Cheryl and I biked to Hunter River for ice cream and back.  32KM.  Cheryl's longest bike ride yet. 
• Cheryl and I have been walking most mornings and hitting the beach quite regularly as we adjust into our slower-paced life. 
• I have biked into work 12 times so far this summer (8KM each way) which has been good for my energy levels as well as saving on parking and getting stuck in traffic.
• I have been at the gym regularly doing a consistent workout that is geared more towards maintaining my health, not necessarily trying to become stronger.

Overall, I am in a great place with great momentum right now.  And there is still a few weeks of summer left. 

Beach Vibes

 

As usual, the summer is speeding by.  Cheryl and I have gone walking both at home and at the beach, and I have been biking into work most nice days.  When I don't bike, I try to get to the gym.  Overall, I am feeling much better lately and looking forward to two weeks off starting next week.  

Dan & Vicki seem to be doing well with Dan & Carly getting engaged and Dan being promoted to Manager of security at the airport.  Vicki is thriving in her new job at Red Shores and recently returned from a trip to Montreal.  Nice to see both of them doing well.  

Bellissima Pizza

 

It was a great weekend.  The weather was fantastic and it was sunny and mid to high 20s for the last few days.  Cheryl and I went for a drive to Point Prim and ate at Bel Vera pizzeria, a great throwback to our Italian trip a couple of years ago.  Last week we also bought a pizza from the new Stonehouse bakery (formerly Glasgow Glen) and ate it on the beach while watching the waves.  

I have been biking into work on any day that it is nice enough which so far has been 10 trips to the office by bike this summer.  I have also been walking a lot at lunch and hitting the gym on days when it is rainy.  Overall, it has been a healthy summer so far.  I am off for a couple of weeks at the end of July and I am looking forward to hanging with Greg and Sean in Moncton for a night.   

Canada Day 2025

 It was a different experience for us this Canada Day as Cheryl hosted a bonfire for her Island Studies colleagues.  It was a nice group of people from all around the world and it was interesting to see all of the different backgrounds explaining their cultural differences.  It made me glad to be a Canadian and re-enforced my desire to travel and see more of the world.  PEI is amazing, but it is such a small part of the big picture. 

We also attended Steve & Janice's Canada Party in the afternoon which  was nice.  Great to see the old crew together again as we don't do much as a group anymore.  You can tell we are all getting older as many of the topics of conversation revolved around health issues, job complaints, the state of the world right now and kids growing up.  The gathering ended around 6PM or so, a far cry from our old partying days of all-nighters.  

It was also different not having the kids around.  Dan worked on Canada Day and Vicki was in Montreal on a trip.  Cheryl and I just had a quiet night as I had to work the next day.

Healthy Summer

I had an appointment with Dr. Newson yesterday and I am feeling much better.  My anxiety levels have decreased and I am sleeping much better.  I still have frustrations with my job but they seem more manageable now. I remembered that I need things to look forward to that are fun for me, and there have not been a lot of fun things lately.  Our trip to Cuba was cancelled and we had nothing on the horizon which kind of sent me spiralling.  Now that Summer is here and the weather has warmed up, I am feeling much better.  I bike to work whenever it is nice and have been going for walks at lunch when I can't get to the gym.  Cheryl and I have been eating better and I have been drinking more water.  All of which has put me in a better frame of mind both mentally and physically. 

As a bonus, Dr. Newson told me that my ultrasound looks good with no further deterioration or lesions in my liver.  My appointment with Dr. Kahn is not until October, so it was good to get this information early rather than waiting all summer. 

Here's to a relaxing summer!

The many stages of Tim

 
I have been thinking a lot lately about the various stages of my life and how I have re-invented myself at various points in my life.  As a child I was small for my age and generally adhered to the rules as they were explained to me.  I did not rebel that much as a child.  

Once I was in Junior High I discovered theatre and acting and I realized that I could be any number of characters depending on the situation.  This is something that I carried into my real life as well.  It has served me well in a variety of situations, but is not always authentic. 

In high school I started coming into my own realizing that I was academically minded and did very well in school.  I was just peaking in my grade 12 year when I was at ease with my classmates and had the lead in the high school musical where I thrived and met a lot of other free-spirits.  

When I hit UPEI, the independence that I felt being away from home was invigorating.  I learned a lot in school, but in reality I learned a lot more outside of classes.  Things like budgeting, making friends, and I was starting to get a sense for who I was.  I was in that in between stage between adolescence and adulthood and I was loving the freedom.

When Cheryl and I got pregnant with Andrew in first year university, much of my freedom disappeared and reality settled in.  I now had responsibilities. We both stepped up and began raising a family while both finishing our degree in 4 years.  

While Cheryl continued on with her Masters degree, I began working to support our family.  We purchased our first small house and struggled to make ends meet.  

Along came Daniel and Vicki and we pushed through, still struggling financially, but learning and adjusting as needed.  I went back to school for IT and Cheryl worked to support us.  Then it was Cheryl's turn to go back to school for her PhD and I began working with provincial government to support our family. 

I maintained my creative side through various plays and writing music and playing guitar, but the bureaucracy of government was already beginning to creep into my brain.  I was told to write just the facts and not use fancy language, which is what I was good at having obtained an English degree. 

Moving from Provincial to Federal government meant a bump up in pay and it allowed us to purchase a bigger home and to be more financially stable.  

As the kids aged, we dealt with larger issues and Cheryl and I had to learn on the fly as we were the first of our crew to have kids and did not have many mentors or people to look to in a similar situation.  We struggled but got through some very rough times. 

As the kids started to age out and move out of the house, Cheryl and I became empty nesters and we love it.  The peace and quite and the slower pace of life after 30+ years of chaos and living paycheck to paycheck was finally starting to subside.  We began focusing more on each other and our larger plans post retirement.  We started travelling more and living a healthier lifestyle involving biking, hiking, walking and eating smaller portions of healthier food. 

I had a couple of health scares with my liver and stomach and it really changed my outlook and personality.  I am no longer the same person I used to be.  While I used to be extroverted and loved crowds, I am now quite introverted and much prefer quiet company and smaller groups of people.  It has been difficult to convey this message to people who have known me for 30 years as the party guy.  

I am now at another stage in my life where my work is winding down.  Hopefully in the next 5 years.  I thought that I would be able to coast these years as I know my job very well and have been respected for the past 25 years.  But due to changes in policies and new regulations, the work that I started out doing is no longer the work that is expected of me.  I used to have autonomy, but now government is changing and I sometimes find it difficult to adapt to the new procedures.  I started out in my career as the youngest member of the team and now I am the oldest.  I am seeing friends and colleagues retiring or moving away from government which is an indication to me that I am aging out of government.

Who knows what the next stage of my life will be, but I am hoping that it involves travel and being active.  

Another liminal point

May was a hell of a month.  I have become increasingly frustrated and anxious with my job and the new direction we are taking.  Whereas I had autonomy for roughly the last 20 years, I am now required to be in a specific place at a specific time which has felt counterproductive as I am a one-person shop.  Regardless, I have accepted that I need to abide by these rules as the government environment that I started in is no longer the same.  I have spoken with colleagues and people from other departments and this seems to be the trend across the board.  I have taken some time off on stress leave and I am hoping to go back to work in June with an open mind as I only have a few years left before I can retire. 

On the plus side, Chris came down for a few days and we had some great discussions.  Although we work in different fields, there is a lot of commonalities between our current work situations. 

I am hopeful that June will be better than May.  Fingers crossed.

Winter/Spring

Not much new to add here.  It is technically spring, although the weather has been up and down with snow one day and nice weather the next.  It is currently snowing with about 10cm expected.  Hopefully this will be the last of the snow as the forecast looks mild over the coming week.  We got our e-bikes tuned up and are just waiting for nice weather to get out on them.  Also looking forward to hiking again and walking on the beach.  It was a particularly long winter, due in part to the fact that we didn't get away on our trip to Cuba.  I forgot how much that breaks up the winter for me, and we are now seeing everyone's trip pictures on facebook.  Hopefully, skipping this trip means that we will be able to afford a better trip in the coming year.  

Back at the office

Well, after a couple of weeks off to deal with some health issues, I am back at work.  This spring seems to be lasting forever, probably partly due to the fact that we missed out on our trip to Cuba.  I forgot how much I look forward to getting away.  I am learning that I need to have something on the horizon to look forward to.  This year, I was feeling down in December as the Christmas season is not what it used to be, so on a whim we booked Cuba for February.  This kept me motivated and moving forward for January and February, but after all of the turmoil and hassle with Sunwing and the eventual cancellation of our trip, I ended up feeling even worse than I did in December.  I seem to have worked through it now, but I am still looking for items to look forward to on the horizon.  Right now, as spring seems to go on forever with more snow expected today, I am looking forward to summer and getting outside again.  Fingers crossed.

No beach for me this winter

Due to a series of delays and ultimately a cancellation of our flight to Cuba by Sunwing Airlines, our trip to Cuba did not happen this year.  We spent 3 days in an airport hotel as the airline delayed and delayed our flight.  Now we get to see everyone else's vacation pictures on facebook which is a bit of a stinger. 

On the plus side, with our money from the trip back in the account, we are looking at a bigger trip possibly as early as Spring 2026.  

Up and Down

For the past few years I have not slept well.  For a couple of years I slept in 30-60 minute chunks for most of the night, never really getting much deep sleep which left me groggy and not as clear-headed as I would have liked.  I would lie in bed and overthink and re-think random things in a strange thought loop that would often prevent me from drifting off to sleep.  I discovered that magnesium before bed had the effect of helping me to sleep for up to 5 hours at a time which was amazing.  CBD gummies also seem to knock me out for a few hours.  Sometimes, however, my thought-loop continues as I spiral through random things that I cannot control or potential things that may or may not happen.  Over the past couple of months I have developed an internal mantra that I tell myself at night when I catch myself going over details or events repeatedly.  I picture it like a mountain as I repeat to myself internally.  "Shut the fuck up, and calm the fuck down".  I repeat this in my head as many times as necessary and it acts as kind of like a meditation to calm me down.  Shut the fuck up meaning there is no sense going over this as I can't do anything about it from my bed.  Calm the fuck down is my equivalent to "it is what it is".  Whatever is going to happen, or has already happened, I certainly can't control it from my bed, so let it go and go to sleep.  This doesn't always work, but I am getting better at using the technique to break the thought-loop cycle and reframe my headspace into sleep-mode.

Rough start to the year

Welcome 2025.  So far it has been a rough one.  I have been sick on and off over the past few weeks and I'm not sure whether is is the flu, norovirus, walking pneumonia or my liver starting to decompensate.  Or some combination of all of the above.  I have been extremely tired, but it slowly seems to be improving.

On the plus side, we leave for Cuba in 18 days, the result of a great deal that we found over the holidays.  It will be nice to get away for a bit and I am hoping that will help my state of mind.  

I have an ultrasound scheduled for when we get back and I have an appointment with Dr. Kahn in March.  I have a sinking feeling that my liver has deteriorated quite a bit, but I am waiting to hear what he has to say.  Fingers crossed.  I am hopeful that if it has, I might need to go back on more meds.  As of now I am only on one, down from 3 when I started healing.  

It is great to see Cheryl thriving in her world.  Taking and teaching courses, actively involved in the fibre festival and making new connections with Islanders from across the world.  As great as it is, though, it is a constant reminder that I don't have a passion like that.  In fact, I don't have a lot of fun in my life right now.  I am really hopeful that Cuba will help me to straighten out a lot of the thoughts in my head.