Tim 2.0

 

Strap yourself in.  This is going to be a big one. 

I don't even know where to start, my head is spinning so fast.  Bear with me as I navigate this post as it could be the most important one yet.  I have finally come through the mental fog that has been hanging over me for the past few months.  I can see things so much more clearly now.  It is amazing how you don't know what you don't know and you can't see when your eyes start to go.  In the same vein, I did not notice my mental health slipping which probably has been ongoing for a long time as I tuned more into my bureaucratic worklife and away from the creative passions that have gotten me to this point in my life. 

I am back on track and needed a few kicks in the ass from the universe to realize there is a world of undiscovered beauty in front of me with endless possibility. 

I picture Cheryl and I now as if we were both 19 again, but instead of being scared and worried and unsure, broke, without a clear path.  We are now in a very similar position now, only this time we are armed through the roof.  We are now wiser, financially stable, connected on a level deeper than anything I could have imagined.  Some of this stems from all the negativity in the past, but through post traumatic growth and starting each day with a solid routine to get in the right headspace I have managed to push out of the fog and in a lot of ways I am clearer than I have been in a long time.  

I am working on a sort of  credo which is a written statement declaring publicly your intentions, motives or views. This is not etched in stone, but an ever changing frame of reference for me to refer to if things go off the rails again and a benchmark for me to compare my situation down the road.  Ideally, I would like to do this annually as a check in to see where the needle has moved from year to year.

Draft #1 - Tim's Credo for Maximizing Joy/Knowledge/Connection 

• Drinking clouded and numbed some of my judgements over the years.  I am now seeing clearer than I ever have in my life.
• I now realize that I don't need to be in survival mode any more.  Cheryl and I spent 25+ years in survival mode after we found out we were pregnant with Andrew.  We put our heads down and pushed through because it was the right thing to do.  We don't need to be in survival mode anymore.  We can take our foot off the gas and pause to reflect on our lives knowing there is so much more left to come.
• I was worried about my health after having so many health scares over the past couple of years, and had never had any previous major health issues,  but that has levelled out and  my specialist says I am on a good track and should probably live a normal regular life. I don't always need to be good, but health should always be a cornerstone for the rest of my life.
• We should never have to REALLY worry about money again and can focus on how to strategically use some of our finances to help the kids while enjoying the next chunk of life.
• I am re-connecting with a lot of my old values which I somehow managed to put on hold while sinking deeper into my bureaucratic work world.  As much as I had a good work/life balance, I think there is something deeper at play here.  A fundamental part of who I am has been neglected for years and needs to emerge.  Not sure what form that will take, but I am back in explorer mode and loving it.  I am rediscovering music, art, theatre, film, technology etc. 
• I somehow managed to stop growing thinking I had peaked.  So many things I thought I had topped out on when I still have a lot to do/say/share/help/be. 
• I am working on coping strategies to quickly be able to jump into and out of survivor mode as needed.  I am acutely aware of the impending mortality around me in the coming years and I want to reach out to anyone within my circle to connect and bring those connections and memories along for my ride.
• I confuse a lot of metaphors here as I can't seem to stick to one that matches how I feel, but I feel like I am vibrating with energy and potential (might need to flesh this out more).
• I am at a point now where I am aware that my energy will dwindle soon as this bright flame burns quickly.  I am trying to reconnect, make new connections and do as much good as I can in case I slip back into passive mode again.
• Things to do when you get in a funk include guitar, music in general, standup comedy, george carlin in particular, walking, biking, cleaning up the yard, going for a drive.
• I am alive and I want to stay that way and I have so much left to live and I am anxiously looking forward to the next chapter of my life. 
• I am re-connecting on a deeper level with Cheryl, Dan, Vicki and Carly and open to new experiences and adventures over the coming years.  That damn circle of life.  Blessing and a curse.  
• TIM - THIS IS YOU TALKING TO YOU RIGHT HERE.  COME BACK AND READ THIS IF YOU GET OFF TRACK.  THIS IS IMPORTANT AND SUPERSEDES ALL.   

It feels so good to get all that out.  Here's to more great things to come.  Some good tunes to set the tone for the state you were in when  you wrote this.  End of the innocence, Closer to fine, I need never grow Old, Like a rolling stone, the wall, galileo, pretty woman, can't cry hard enough, all of the beatles tunes following the release of get back, george carlin's new documentary.  + many more.

Peace & Simplicity

You were born into into a complicated and chaotic world.

You lived your life in a complicated and chaotic way.

You died under complicated and chaotic circumstances.

I hope you have found some peace and simplicity.

Shuffling off this mortal coil

 There has always been great discussion and debate over what happens when we die.  I imagine it is something humans have pondered since the begin of time.

The debate seems futile, really, as we will never truly know.  Therefore we create various stories, methods and theories about what we believe really happens.  But that is it, really, isn't it?   Belief.  Since, if a person truly believes something, it can be the source of what allows them to survive.  Particularly in the case of coping with death.

In the end, I really don't ponder what happens next as it seems like an exercise in futility.

Moreso, I hope that when we die, there is some form of explanation for what our role/goal/objective/meaning/purpose was here.  Obviously, we were put here for a reason, and I hope that at some point during or after death this reason because self-evident.

Something along the lines of "Ok, so this was the deal, here were the goals and here is how you performed". 

Lol.  Maybe I have been working in government too long as this sounds eerily like a performance evaluation.

Everything's Bearable

I'm going to start this post about Andrew, but I vow to forge ahead and start focusing on the present and planning for the future.  I have a lot of life to live and am looking forward to my next chapter with eyes open wide and in better health and more self-aware than I have ever been in my life.

We are coming up to the 3 year anniversary of Andrew's death on May 15th and as usual I am stopping to reflect on my life.  I have come to a sense of acceptance about Andrew and I move forward to focusing on adapting better coping strategies as I move forward.  I now feel better able to deal with major trauma, but I am now trying to become self aware enough to see it coming and start implementing health coping strategies such as exercise, fresh air, beach and music.

I have been reading mantras and life lessons over the past few years, that they all seem to blur into a black hole of optimism and variations on the theme of "everything happens for a reason", and lately my go-to simple line is "Everything's Bearable" from the season finale of Ozark.  Simplistic and honest it expresses the basic concept that you will get through this even though you doubt yourself you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

My  goals for this next chapter of my adventure include:

• Taking better care of myself both physically and mentally.  Only I can take care of me and I must do that in order to be there for myself and for those I love.  
• Actively checking in on Cheryl to ensure she is in an ok place.  She worries a lot and feels the need to be strong for all of us.  I know because I have been there.  These stresses will find a way to escape.  Guaranteed.
• Supporting both Dan & Vicki wherever I can and try to focus on the amazing things they have already accomplished and helping them to enjoy the journey instead of dwelling on my hopes for their success.  Even though this comes from a place of love, I am aware that they feel pressure to live up to high expectations and I want to do my best to minimize any expectations.  I just want them to be happy and healthy.  Bonus points for confident, helpful, honest and empathetic.
• Travel.  Nuff said.  Lots of it.  I need it both for the trip itself and the planning, excitement and stories that can be called upon if times are bad.
• Music.  Nuff said.  Lots of it.  Listening, learning,  playing, attending concerts.
• Always remember to ask "What do you recommend" in lots of situations.  Generally, people in roles have an expertise from doing something daily and can simply a process or advise what others typically do or what is popular.

Always remember that 17 year old Tim would be blown away by your success in all aspects of your life.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jon7092VB2s