Thoughts as I apprach 50

• It has only been 2 weeks since my world changed with the sending of an email to Gabby Roddy.  And in only 11 days I will be on stage singing and dancing.  
• I have learned many lessons over the past few weeks and my head is spinning, but I am still trying to enjoy this whirlwind experience.
• I have learned that it doesn't matter how good or bad you feel today you have no idea what you are going to feel like tomorrow.  The journey is ongoing.  And the dude abides... if that's not too cheesy.
• My favourite quote today was from Doug MacDonald.  I haven't seen him since I lost the weight and got in shape.  He said "You look fantastic.  What did you do?"  I said "I stopped drinking 2 years ago"  He said "Fuck that.  You don't look that good."  
• I don't know whether this is just me or human nature in general,  but I find that when I was younger I focused on the big events and milestones such as birthdays, parties, holidays, vacations and trips.  And those are all fantastic.  But after Andrew died I needed to learn to find the joy in small things.  Those small joys are deceivingly powerful.  Finding simple joys everywhere adds up to a joy-filled life.  This means that when the big milestones continue to come again, the overall joy can be significant and intense.  That might sound a little pie in the sky, but it is honest and accurate.  In many ways Winston saw this ahead of all of us with his profound reminder that "the bad was good and the good was grand."  He knew this ahead of all of us and that was one of his many gifts to the world.  

Another Liminal Point

 The last two weeks have been a blur.  I don't even know where to begin here, but I feel I should post something to try to get some of my feelings down now as I am in the apex of this current liminal point. 

I turn 50 in 2 weeks and I don't even have a minute to think about it as I am immersed in the theatre world again.  2 Weeks ago this was not even on my radar and I was wondering about slowing down and in 12 days I will be on stage singing solo and acting in front of a paying audience with Lorne Elliott.  Shocked and overwhelmed is an understatement.

My current feelings are pride and self-confidence.  I stepped way out of my comfort zone into an area I used to delve into when I was younger and it turns out I am still good at it.  I'm getting old, but I'm not old yet!  

Regardless of how this show goes, it is a huge boost to my self-confidence and reminds me that I have so much left to experience in this world.  I am hoping to post more on this as I turn 50 and what I hope to bring to my 50s, but generally, I am looking at slowing down my work pace and enjoying travelling, family and friends while everyone's health is still good.  Not that I am worried about anything, but I am zoning in on the fact that retirement  when I am young and active will be very different from retirement when/if options become limited.  

For now, I am loving life and enjoying using skills that I love that I didn't think I would ever use again. 

Side lesson that I am learning from Lorne is that it is ok to be Weird and different.  In fact, if you can be weird and different and SMART, there is a world of possibilities out there.  

More to come.  

Carpe Diem.

Creativity Abounds

 So, it has been a crazy chaotic few days so far, but Lorne Elliott's show is coming along.  It has been an amazing few days and my head is spinning with ideas.  Overall, though, it just good to feel creative and alive and passionate again about something other than my family.  

So many thoughts. 

• It is great to use my creative side again. Although it is a very different skill than government, I am so lucky that I can exist in both worlds.  This gives me such a unique position.
• I actually thought of an idea for a response play to Mom's Run Amok where Jimmy does get a government job and it becomes his story which is pretty much my story about trying to fit into two different worlds and in the end seeing that both worlds help to make him who he needs to be.  Even came up with an opening line and chords for a first song.  D (scale), d, g, a,d.  "Work downtown in an office job, 8 hours a day.  All I want to do is protect my family, and take home my pay."
• This was the next step in my journey of self-exploration.  I pretty much thought acting was over for me and it is so great to still be able to do it.
• This is a really unique opportunity to work with a Canadian legend, two amazing singers, showcase my talents, work on my voice and get the creative juices flowing again for writing.  Short stories, songs, maybe a play?
• Working with other actors, I forgot that I am actually pretty good at this.  
• I think all jobs should end in applause.  lol

Lots more thoughts to share. I am less terrified than a few days ago.  Still nervous, but so happy I took this leap.  Much more to come.

So, this happened

I still can't believe this happened even as I type this.  I want to get my thoughts down now while they are fresh as I don't know how long I will remember the clarity of the details of the past couple of days. 

On a lark, I submitted an outdated theatre resume with a wrong phone number for a possible last minute casting of a Lorne Elliott Play which involve singing as well as acting.  I sent a response, sent a follow-up youtube clip. I had fully expected to get rejected and the would be my impetus for slowing down or stopping acting having had a good run acting with Dan, doing various Shakespeare plays, Laramie Project, All new People, etc.  I would have tried and failed.  End story.  

I got the role with Lorne Elliott's play.  I might be totally bonkers for doing this as I am totally over my head, but I am calm and relaxed about it and know that I will get there.  Today is day 1 of 24 until we open.  What a crazy day.  Only 3 days ago this was not even on my radar and now I am fully immersed back in the theatre world after a 5 year absence.  And at a higher level.  Regardless of what happens after this post, I am so thankful that I decided to go way out of my comfort zone, and I am so happy that I have Cheryl's support on this as it using muscles I am not used to. 

Sidenote:  It's ironic that I spent 20 years trying to cram my creative side into a bureaucratic role and never seemed to fit, only to emerge out the other side to re-examine my theatrical side only to be stifled by 20 years of bureaucracy. 

I could ramble on here all night, but it is great when you find like-minded people.  It reminds you that you are not alone on your journey and that regardless how much you feel like an outsider, your people are out there.  It is so refreshing to work with theatre people again, but it is also a reminder of how free they are with their ideas regardless how odd they might seem to others.  

Long day.  Late night.  Back at it tomorrow. 

Regardless of any complaints I might have along the way, I want to remember how much it lifted me up to be reminded of this skillset I have that I can dig into when I need to.  

I am happy.

PS - I need to remember that the next 4 weeks will be unlike anything I have ever done or probably will do again.  What a crazy world it is.  I did not see this one coming, universe.

Carpe Diem

It is easy to forget sometimes that life is supposed to be fun.  I mean, let's be realistic.  How many of us go through each day actively enthusiastic about the day ahead of us.  No, typically we wake up tired and sore and a bit cranky and then slowly "get through" the day only to end each day exhausted only to start the process over again each day.  Where is the fun in that?  Instead we set goals to be happy and have fun down the road without remembering the simple fact that the journey is the adventure.  There is no guarantee of anything else beyond this moment.  So have fun with it.

I find myself at another liminal point today.  Regardless of the outcome of this possibility, my life is now changed as it has changed my perspective on how I live.  

On a lark, I responded to a facebook ad looking for an actor to be a part of a 4-hander show written by and starring Lorne Elliot.  The show opens in 3 weeks so they are desperate.  I put myself out there and responded to the ad and they asked me for a video clip.  I sent the clip and am now awaiting a response.  

I was going to wait until I heard back before posting here, but I find it very cathartic to write during these liminal points of transition.  In these brief moments, my mind is open to bigger things than my usual 9-5 daily routine.  I see possibilities of bigger - and more importantly 'funner' - things.  They might not happen, but even thinking about them lends an air of optimism and positivity into this drab world. 

So, here I stand.  And here are the key things standing out for me right now.  

Pros:  I turn 50 in 3 weeks.    I am not feeling fulfilled in my job and am searching for something with more creativity using my artistic side.  This actor role just appeared out of nowhere.  I have been constantly telling the kids to go after what they want and not to settle for anything less.  This is in my wheelhouse.  I am a longtime fan of Lorne Elliot back to his just for laugh days and singing Gettin Granny Plastered to Nanny.  They agreed to work around my schedule.  It is a paid gig.  It is only for a few weeks and does not interfere with our trip to Italy.  It will definitely get me out of my usual routine.

Cons:  I am scared I might forget my lines as I sometimes search for my words lately.

On a sidenote, Mark Wells Brother Cory died last week at 50 which has intensified things in my little world.

So I sent in my video, and the ball is now in their court.  My expected outcomes:

1. I get the part.  I remember why I love acting, reconnect with my passions and life is wonderful :)
2. I get the part.  It is a lot of work, in the end I am exhausted, but it still allows me to see a life beyond work and use creative skills.
3. I get the part.  It sucks.  Lesson learned.  Maybe my acting days are over.  Still good to take the shot.
4. I don't get the part.  Oh well.  It was a long shot anyway.  This way I don't have to make a decisions.
5. I don't get the part.  It is a tough life lesson that even when things look like they are lining up, nothing in life is a guarantee.  This is a great lesson both for me as well as leading by example for my kids.

The commonality in all of these outcomes is that they all start with wanting to have more fun.  Even the exercise of submitting the audition piece was more fun than a lot of my daily tasks. 

I am now basking in the warmth of this liminal period where the walls are down and new options and possibilities abound.  I used to describe a 'spark of madness' needed to light a fire under me and this might have ignited something regardless of the outcome of the audition.

To be continued...