Collection of unrelated thoughts

 

• To penetrate one's own motivations to the depths. Alan Watts.  This is a fascination of mine.  Fully Complete understanding of how I operate.
• When I look back over this chunk of my life I want to remember all of the little details and tweaks that I did to this house and to the people and myself and my total environment to reshape it into a better place a better healthier place for me and my family.  
• A great was to start a day that is not already pre-occupied is to go through the day tweaking routines and pattens and removing obstacles that are in my way which can make things run more efficiently. Learning to take the time to fix those issues sooner rather than later has been key to my improvement.  If I see something not working, I try to fix it as soon as possible as there are cumulative benefits that will be retained by starting early.  This doesn't have to be big.  It can be as simple as putting clothes, furniture etc where it is easiest to obtain which maximizes efficiency. By creating a frictionless environment to start the day, this sets the right tone for the day  and increases the chances of success however you define it. 
• One of my biggest skillsets and strengths is my ability to be aware of how good I can do things and how efficient I can become and do things that some people take longer to figure out.   I can work more efficiently and work smarter rather than harder and I've always been able to dfo that.   This is part of the reason it was so discomforting for me when I was sick as I was out of my element and out of control.
• Somehow along the way I stopped Focusing on being academic.  When I was in university I was very interested in how the world worked and somehow I got off track by the rat race and into cyclical patterns to pay the bills and I find I'm now rediscovering my love of academia, the way things work and why we think the way we do as well as how we interact.  
• Could I write a book of short stories?  Should I?

December 11 - A day to remember

 

Andrew would have been 30 yesterday.  December 11, 1992.  What a crazy trip it has been since then.  We were so young.  So naive.  So scared.  So innocent.  So pure.  So unprepared.  So determined to prove we were adults and could take on the world.  And we did.

I struggle with the realization that no one gets to live a great 85 year life without bumps and bruises along the way, even though this is what we all seem to strive for.  Give me a good a long life, a happy, healthy family and a feeling of peace and love at the end of the day.  Should be simple, right?  I mean, we all want this, so why can't we give it to each other?  What gets in the way?  In the end, we settle for whatever is handed to us and rationalize why this was best anyway.  So since we settle anyway, do we settle for the world as it is or do we work toward the world as it should be?  Home is where you don't need to prove anything to anyone.

We're all like puzzle pieces that have developed a defined puzzle shape around us.  Those defined edges fit naturally together and are difficult to put back one they have come apart.  They now have sharper edges and don't fit properly where they used to.   New boundaries and pieces need to be added and removed to develop a new fulsome puzzle which better represents the current reality of the world around us.  

A dangerous combination of smooth and reasonable

• One of my favorite things is when I am able to catch Cheryl off guard.  She thinks so much in her head and has pre-thought out ideas, so it is always nice when I can catch her off guard and help out in a way that she was not expecting.  It is a good realization that we all need to realize that others have unique perspectives outside of our norms that might help.  It is also good to keep people guessing and not be predictable. I think that this really helps keep things fresh as part of the reason we're still together though all the good and bad over the years.
• It is amazing how old habits stay with you.   I ran into an old boss at around 3 o'clock in the afternoon and he commented that I must be taking a late lunch.  This is a boss that I had 25 years ago who has long since retired, but I still felt the need to rationalize to him why I was there.  Meanwhile, he was simply making conversation. 
• It doesn't have to be top of the charts just fucking write some shit already.
• People and nature level up all of the time.  Examples of this in nature are grass cgrowing through cracks and finding a way when it seems impossible; birds finding ways to break nuts on the street;  fish adapting to polluted waters.  The world is constantly in flux but it is so slow to move and we are are a mere tiny little shell of an existence here able to see such a tiny little piece of the full picture that it sometimes seems like it's standing still but the world is  constantly ever-changing and ever-evolving regardless of our will.  As humans we should enjoy the limited time that we're here
• I can admit now that I was driven not just by Logic but by some reflexive wish for other people's approval too when I was a kid I quietly basked in the warmth that floated my way anytime ~Michelle Obama
• This may be the fundamental problem with the caring a lot about what others think is it can put you on the established path an keep you there for a long time maybe it stops you from swerving from ever considering the swerve because what you risk losing in terms of other people's high regard feels too costly
• Quote about Barack Obama ~ he was breezy in his manner but he was powerful in his mind; he was a deadly combination of smooth and reasonable. These are vibes that resonate with me.

Efficiency Abounds

I finally got frustrated with my fat fingers and uncooperative keyboard on my phone and downloaded a text-to-voice app so I can dictate my thoughts and send them to myself.  Re-examine them and then post some of the better ones here to remember down the road.  Here are a few of my thoughts over the past week or so.  

• I had to deal with all of the obstacles in my way before I could move forward in my growth
• I spent a lot of time in my youth trying to prove that I was as good as everyone else.  Now that I'm older I realize it's better to check in with everybody else both to see what they're doing ok.  I am on par if not better than most of my peers and in the end it doesn't matter anyway as I am on my own journey. 
• I should make sure to check in to ensure others are doing ok as well as sharing information that I have learned on my journey.  
• Interesting idea that we follow patterns and once we start fresh all over again and we,  without realizing how or why, we end up making the same choices,  same decisions and ending up in the same place.  This could be transformed into a story idea or song,  could be partly my own life experience now through after my health scare I feel like.  It is also a universal experience that others can related to. 
• When I was young, I spent a lot of time figure out who I was.  I knew I was different and I liked thinking outside of the box.  It made me feel special.  I remember writing down a lot of lists and notes and thoughts and I am glad I did because now I can look back over some of these old memories.  Then I got out of the habit of doing that I got out of the habit of self-discovery as I locked into raising a family and didn't really think about me very much.
• So now I'm really in self-discovery mode and have been for the last couple years real refreshing to be back on track to remember who I was and excitement about where I will go now that I have rediscovered my journey.
• In the process of letting go of everything that was not helpful to me, Catholicism was one of the first things to go.
• Human Nature - Man's desire for permanence is a cause to a lot of human suffering and misery.  We are only here for a short time and it is arrogant of humanity to think we understand what's going on in the tiny blip that we've been here.
• Michelle Obama's book - Becoming - "Failure is a feeling long before it becomes an actual result.  It is vulnerability that breeds with self doubt and then is escalated, often deliberately, by fear."
• Any good feelings or good work that I do is compounded when it starts early in the morning as it gives it more of a chance to percolate all day long and it spirals into better and better and more exponential value so it is best to start the day as good as you can because that maximizes the potential for the rest of the day
• It isteresting to Look Backwards on our decisions particularly those decisions that didn't go the way we expected them to understand if it was obvious it would not turn out well or whether there was something we could have done differently.  
• In life you have to control what you can
• Over the years I think I skipped some kinds of coping mechanisms and coping strategies so when bad things happened I wasn't fully able to process them.  Now I've been filling in those gaps and I appear to be in a place where regardless of what's going to happen I have strategies in place to deal with them;
• Worry is better against yourself and I want to "Bet On Yourself" - BOY.  Also believe in yourself, be yourself, betting on yourself bedding against yourself.  I am really trying to lock in on the idea that when I worry (particularly at night) I re-focus on knowing that I can handle whatever situation comes my way so there is no need to worry about it.  I will handle it when the time comes.  I am betting on myself. 
• TV quote - "After my injury I learned that I needed to make stress my friend and understand it better."
• You never learn what you're capable of love if you avoid all risk 
• Who cares what the process is as long as the result is what you want it to be. In other words in other words don't question how you got there just appreciate that you did get there.
• I need to start putting some of these words into action rather than just writing them down take the top few and really build on them.
• A Friend once told me that the bad was good and the good was Grand.   how he knew I'll never know and I'll never completely understand? Poem response
• I have followed the rules of the game until the rules changed, and then there were no more rules, then there was no game there was only you
• If you sit back and passively go through life, you will not end up where you want to go. You have to actively make decisions about your interactions with this world, your relationships, your working environment and how we live on this Earth.
• Great line about life. I look back at all the times I wasted having good times. 

Comforting Original Thought

 I struggle sometimes with the idea of original thought.  How much of what I think and do is of my own doing vs. things I have learned and adapted from others.  Sometimes I come up with ideas for songs and stories only to find out variations of the theme already exist.  

I had a comforting thought today in that I always found that I was behind the curve of where I was expected to be both growing up and throughout my worklife.  While I could do all of the "stuff" I always felt like there was something I was missing.  

Although things are still intangible for me at this point, I don't feel behind the curve or behind my peers.  In fact, I feel ahead of the game.  I feel like I have come to some understandings and realizations that others have not and may never realize.  This feels like a truly authentic and genuine experience which has not always been the case for me.

This is such a unique experience as I feel I spent most of my life playing catch-up and trying to fully understand the world around me.  Somehow, I seem to have found a new lens that is sharper and clearer and is a much healthier and gentle way to live.  

I hope this feeling lasts.  

Speech to Text - Stream of Consciousness

 Ok, so this is an experiment in stream of consciousness.  I find my mind works faster than my typing fingers, so I am testing out speech to text software on my phone so I can hopefully post random thoughts and ideas here without getting bogged down in language and punctuation.  Here is attempt #1 talking about how my views have been subtly and not-so-subtly re-shaped over the past 30 years.  Here it is unedited:

It's really interesting to look back over my life and think about how times have changed and how the goals that I had when I was a teenager and in my early twenties started veering off just slightly right to the right to the right to the right the more that you make these right turns the more you end up coming full circle not even aware of how you got there but coming full circle back to the place that you started I guess my advice here to anyone particularly my kids would be to follow your passions as I look back now as I turn almost 50 I'm not passionate about my work I can do it very well and I'm good at it and I've learned it well over the years see the passion in some people's jobs where there are eyes light up they become very animated what as they talk about picture of the work in the work that they're doing and I envy that I'm hoping that in my retirement I can capitalize on that better than I have over the last 20 years not that I regret anything I did what I had to do and I paid the bills and I was a decent father and husband and I think I was pretty gentle on myself and the people around me overall I'm really looking forward to getting back to who that person was when I was in my early late teens early twenties discovering with knowledge and wisdom and a self-confidence that I never had back in those days what's my capacity what can I do with this 

Liminal Spaces

 

Also known as the threshold, liminal spaces are transitional points between stages and are seen everywhere in life.  I have been thinking about this for the past couple of months but I had never heard the term before.  

I had been thinking a lot about transitions lately as the world changes.  There are points in history that we look back upon as major milestones.   Off the top of my head I think of World Wars, Vietnam, The fall of the Berlin Wall, 911 as examples of turning points in our society where such a deliberate change was made that a return to normal is not an option and a new direction must be charted. I believe we are in this period right now post-covid where we see liminal points globally where a multitude of changes are happening globally and simultaneously as the human race readjusts its course. 

That sounds grandiose, but it is occurring on many levels.  On a personal note, I am currently in a major liminal period in my life as I transition to a newer, better, re-aligned version of myself.  I am literally and metaphorically throwing out things in my life that I no longer need and am replacing them with things that suit my new direction.  I am certain that is where "mid-life" crisis comes from as most adults transition as they realize the inevitability of death and try to re-adjust lifestyles for the second half of their life, but also seeing friends and family die makes them realize that the second half of life is much more tenuous than the first as the body and mind start to wane, the soul becomes ever more important.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9u3JZPCW9Dw&feature=share&fbclid=IwAR1jFblQR2YEb8rCAlzv9uTVSiy8GBqTw4TORp1Q3pzwAHm1IV48okUuBvA

Rock me like a Hurricane!

When I read my last post it feels like I wrote that a million years ago, although in reality it was less than a month ago. Since that post, Hurricane Fiona decimated PEI.  Considered the worst storm in recorded Atlantic Canadian History, damages could climb over a billion dollars.  

We had many trees down and some minor damage to our deck.  Our mast came down under the weight of a large tree and the giant spruce tree in our front yard fell toward the house coming within 2 feet of the front window.  Though not affected as much as some, our power was out for 15 days which led to us throwing out all of our freezer and fridge food which really made the house stink.  

I was amazed to see the mental toll it took on everyone as people were in a state of shock with the size of the devastation.  It took Cheryl and I a few days to get our act together to start with cleanup.  Initially we made a few calls and got on some lists, but it was just not enough.  We had to get our mast down, tree cut, wire free, mast back up, internet back up, power back on along with 80,000 other people.  Everyone was surviving by whatever means necessary.  People were really good at sharing generators, food, ladders, chainsaws, gas etc., but after a few weeks it started taking a toll on most people.  

The term micro-aggressions was bantered around as people started getting tired of being tired.  People started getting crankier and less friendly which is only enhanced by living on a small island without power or internet.  

In the end, we are still coming through the process with many trees still to come down including the hedge between our house and the neighbors, but we are moving forward a little more guarded and preparing for the next one as the next "unprecedented" event hits us.  

I was impressed by how well Cheryl and I were able to work together on this as we are not used to having no one else around to help with jobs.  We had to work together to get all the work done and in the end this re-shaping of our yard should allow us to re-build the yard we want going forward.  

On a larger scale, I really believe PEI is in a transition period where we have to find new and better ways to exist in this new world. 

Perspective & Rebuilding

 As I wake up in my hotel room in Halifax, I feel a sense of peace wash over me.  This has been another step in my journey to recovery.  Travelling to Halifax alone for work on a whirlwind trip has been very cathartic for me.  It reminds me of back in my earlier career days when I loved travelling as I got to see new places, old friends, have new experiences and all under my work umbrella.

That has changed over the years, both because I would much rather stay home than travel unnecessarily for work and the development of videoconferencing options has made it much easier to meet from home.

That said, I used to travel for work alone and I loved it.  I haven't love it over the last few years, but this trip was a throwback to my old days and reminded me of how freeing it is to be on your own schedule in a new place.  It is also nice being in Halifax and not drinking as so many of my visits over the years were glossed here were glossed over with alcohol.

I have read a lot of adages, mottos, tropes, inspirational quotes over the past few years, and they are all good and have nuggets of truth or wisdom buried in them, but, inherently, these adages never full capture a person's complex thought and emotional process. 

That said, here is my latest take.  I feel like I have been in a the process of re-building.  Totally stripping down who I was, who I have become, and who I want to be.  This is a fascinating journey as I continue to "level up".  After Andrew died, I tried unsuccessfully to recover, but when my own body finally caved, I was forced  realized some hard truths and had to start re-building from scratch if I wanted to be around.  I have been questioning all of my decisions and everything that led me to where I am today and so far the process has proved successful as I am removing / repairing negative aspects of myself, keeping and strengthening the positive ones, and developing new more nuanced aspects that I did not know I was even capable of.  In truth, I believe that I am strong and better now than I have ever been in my life and I hope to continue on this journey.

One thing I have discovered and am working on is that I strive for perfection which seems like a noble concept, but can be problematic.  If you aim for perfection and you obtain it, you have just met the bare minimum threshold of your plan.  Anything else feels like failure.  By focusing on just being better rather than being allows for more opportunities for success and does not leave me feeling that the concept failed.  I know this is vague and I need to flesh it out more, but the essence is just try to be better, not perfect.  

Another analogy that seems to fit lately is the game Jenga, but in reverse.  You take an existing structure that is shaky at best and slowly rebuilding the pieces to make it stronger and more supportive.  By adding these supports to strengthen and fill in the gaps, replacing outdated pieces, and adding new pieces to create a solid foundation going forward, I hope to become a better human being and continue living meaningfully.  More than ever my old philosophy of the meaning of life is coming back into focus:  Be good to people; Try not hurt anyone; and hope to fall in love (check!)

2 Years Sober

September 15th, 2022 marks two years of no alcohol for this guy.  I have never felt better in my life.  I am at a health 170lbs, I am walking most days and I am biking regularly.  I am only on one medication now, Nadalol, to control the verisies  in my esophagus from returning.  Getting off the other meds has meant that I have more energy, my appetite is back and my hair is returning to its normal curly state.  

I could expound on here for pages about all of the benefits from not drinking, but I am just happy that I discovered myself without alcohol before it was too late.  Looking back, I realize that I used alcohol to deal with frustrations in my life and a lack of control over my own direction.  The alcohol numbed me in a way that I needed to get through my lack of control and lack of direction.  Now that I have a better sense of who I am and what I stand for, I am unapologetic and proud of the man I have become and I don't need alcohol to gloss over anything.  I am who I am. To thine own self be true.  

Onward and Upward!  

Summer of Connectivity

It has been a whirlwind journey over the past year, but I have made it through relatively unscathed. 

I don't want to re-hash the past few months as I have been on an awakening / spiritual / healing / levelling up / evolving / transitioning period over the past few months and it has been extremely transformative for me as a human being. 

I am not sure I have the words to accurately convey the journey that I took over the past few months.  Most of all, I am just thankful that I am still here and I feel great.  So many people do not get this opportunities I have had, let alone the opportunity to have a wake up call to remind me what is important in life and all of the good still left undiscovered.

In an effort to try to explore the past few months so that I can reflect on this time in later years, I really feel more alive and part of the world around me.  By actively participating in the world around me, I become better in-tune and able to see nuance within every day situations.  By reaching out, it translates into learning more about others, understanding their needs, realizing that everyone has different needs and objectives as well as fostering a deeper sense of connectivity.

This summer was a master-class for Cheryl and I on how to communicate effectively, developing new relationship goals and tools, using our existing 30 years of relationship skills to avoid a lot of pitfalls and in general just trying to be the best couple that we can.  Fortunately, we have the luxury of a lot of great skillsets between the two of us.

 

Artist in Residence

I am more artist than buraucrat, but art does not pay the bills.

Soul, Body, Mind. In that Order

I have always heard the adage about the connection between mind, body and soul, and it makes sense.  I had just never had the opportunity to see it in action.

Over the past couple of years, while I was dealing with Andrew's death,  my own increased drinking, battling depression, feeling unfulfilled at work, having difficulty figuring out how best to be there for the kids, while still attempting to figure my own life out, I had to deal with all 3 components.  Mind.  Body.  Soul

My soul was the easiest to tackle as I believe I have a truly empathetic soul with a genuine desire to help people and to "level up".   It did not take long to get my soul back into alignment as this involved mainly a bit of a reminder of where I come from, what my values are and where I want to be.  This, in essence, is the crux of being fucking fantastic.  Having a strong core and self-confidence in collaboration with years of experience and wisdom.  This was just a basic re-alignment.

My Body took longer, but over the past couple of years, and with a good kick in the ass from my liver and stomach, my body is now working quite well all things considered.  I really believe this is due, in part, to my overall energy level and sticking with running over the years, even as other aspects of my life went askew.  I am now at my healthiest weight yet, my liver numbers have stabilized, I start each day with a smoothie and try to eat healthy and haven't had a drink since September 15, 2020.  I think I am on the right path here.  I won't always be perfect, but even with a few vices here and there, I think I will be ok.

My mind.  This one has been trickier than I expected.  Having never been really sick before, I was unprepared for the mindfuck that accompanied the body issues.  While my body healed very quickly, my mind is taking longer to recover.  Often, it seems like I am revisiting aspects of my life to ensure that I am still remembering things accurately, while other times it seems like I have leveled up to a more comprehensive way of thinking.  It is a blessing and a curse to be an intelligent person going through "mind" issues.  I have always relied on my mind, and it is very disconcerting to second-guess myself.  I am hopeful that this is part of the healing process and will be temporary.  

It is hugely important for me to feel in control of my mind.  

Perennial

Perennial -  Lasting or existing for a long or apparently infinite time; enduring or continually recurring. Perennial typically describes things that are permanent, constant, or repeated.

I am so happy that I live in a place where I am constantly reminded of the seasons and the small changes that capture the big changes happening all the time.

My life has been made up of these small changes, sometimes seemingly imperceptible until viewed through a magnifying glass.

But the perennial nature of my life keeps me in check with constant reminders of the fragility and beauty of life.  Some of the moments that stand out for me are:

• September and the smell of fresh air as it replaces the stickiness of summer.  Renewed commitment to the work ahead as the old dies off in preparation for new growth.  Shared memories with the kids of favorite fleeting moments of the summer and plans to do more.
• Halloween and a treat to remind us of the sweet summer behind us and the joy of being silly.
• Thanksgiving and an appreciation for that which we do have and the beauty and support that surrounds us.
• Christmas & New Years.  A celebration of the year that was and a new sense of optimism of a coming year with accompanying beauty, challenge and resolve.
• February.  Another spin around the sun and another year of strengthening and growing with growing potential for a healthy year.
• March-April.  As the snow thaws, our spirits return.  A sense of adventure and hope and a shaking off of the winter cobwebs.
• June - Full of potential.  All roads are clear.  
• July-August - LIVE LIFE and remember why you want to be here. 
• Rinse / Repeat

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V9VoLCO-d6U

Peace

What an adventure the last year has been.  On August 1, 2021, I came pretty close to dying, or at the very least being forced to drastically change my outlook on life and my lifestyle.  There has been a lot of ups and downs over the past year and I have learned a lot about myself, the environment around me and how I interact with the world.

Rather than dwell on each and every item that has changed me over the past year, I will, instead, try to jot down a few key ideas that I hope to carry forward with me on my journey.

*   Everyone has endured a unique set of criteria to get to the current point in their life.  Of this journey, we know very little, and, as such, we should reserve judgement lest someone judge us under similar circumstances.

*    This summer, in particular, has been an awakening for me of what is truly important in my life and realizing how truly fortunate I am.

As this summer draws to a close and we plan to hunker down over the next few months to prepare for our Italian Adventure, I am amazed at how much progress I have made in such a short period of time.  My cup is currently full as we plan the next stage of our journey. 

Unpopular Opinion

I have been actively trying not to write this post, but it has been niggling in my mind so regularly that I needed to write it down.  This is written with the awareness that this post might be triggering and disheartening to some of my family, but still needs to be said.

I try not to engage in religious discussions with people as I know it hits to to the core of a person's beliefs, but it is ironic that while I am dismissive of religion, I have to tread lightly in the real world, while those that believe in a specific faith are free to share their opinions even in the face of outlandish and shameful incidents throughout history.  Yet this is still allowed and encouraged.

I spent the last year working hard to become stronger after my stomach surgery, and when I posted about how hard I worked, some of the comments that came back were "praise God".  I worked my ass off over the last year, and the credit goes to God.  I find this an example of how humanity now seems to distance themselves from owning their choices.  By blaming God, you take away the responsibility and ownership of actions.  It's God's will.  Things happen for a reason.  Well, this logic stuns those people that don't believe in God, or at least that version of God.  Should I not be held responsible for my mistakes and actions, and by proxy get to own my victories?   I know when I make a mistake, I don't think "God let me down", so why would I think to say "Praise God" when I succeed. 

Thoughts and prayers seem to be the go to for mass shootings in the US, while the pope makes his way across Canada on his tour of apologies across Canada for the death of thousands of children under the protection of the Catholic church.  And to add insult to injury, my family now works for, and their lives revolve around this entity that has caused so much hurt and suffering in the name of doing good.  Yet, to speak out vocally on this topic is frowned upon.  Another layer of offending the easily offended and the easily led.

I  believe in almost all of the pillars of most major religions, but I have learned to pull the best out of the ones I like and to throw the rest back.  No one said it was a requirement to choose from a list.  And if religions were truly altruistic and genuine, would they not want people to just generally be better, rather than adhering to their particular brand of religion?  Particularly ones with disturbingly dark histories.

Symmetry

Ok -- bear with me.  This is a post heavy on numbers which may not be relevant to anyone else but me.  Life is complex and wieldy, but here are a few stats that I have manipulated to suit my needs.

Symmetry ~ Similarity or exact correspondence between different things

On July 8, 2022 Daniel Michael Wartman Turned 25

On February 6, 2023 Timothy John Wartman will turn 50

On August 8, 2023 Cheryl Ann Wartman will turn 50

On July 29, 2023 John David Wartman will turn 75

Lesson:  The number 25 is a number of rapid and positive changes. It also signifies the need for freedom, adventure, and independence.  All 4 of us have just experienced major life changes and are discovering new aspects of ourselves.  We all turn this multiple of 25 within almost a calendar year.  Embrace the change.  

In June, 1991 Timothy John Wartman graduated from high school

In June, 1991 Cheryl Ann Yoston graduated from high school

in June, 2011 Andrew John Wartman graduated from high school

In May 1995 Timothy John Wartman Graduated from UPEI

In May 1995 Cheryl Ann Wartman Graduated from UPEI 

On June 20, 2015 Andrew John Wartman graduated from UPEI

Lesson: Number 20 symbolizes hardships but is deemed auspicious.  This is a reminder that, while life maybe temporary, the beauty and symmetry will always be there.

On August 28, 1999 (at 5:40PM!!!!!) Victoria Ann Wartman was born

and.... as usual.... she is blazing her own path.  I am still figuring out how all the connections line up, but I know that they run deep.

A free spirit is one who is independent and uninhibited. They march to the beat of their own drum and don't always play by the rules. You often see children who are free-spirited — able to embrace life fully and be themselves without shame or embarrassment.

It's later than you think

It's later than you think.

I have always loved this phrase both for its simplicity and the complexity of the phrase.  Initially, the superficial meaning of this is that we are always running behind playing catch-up to some unknown unseen driving force, while a deeper interpretation speaks to our fragility and ephemeral nature on this planet.  We spend our youth feeling invincible, our middle age trying to accomplish things, and spend the last chunk trying to live strategically while trying to slap bandaids on the sins of the past.  

It is also a rebel yell, a call to arms and a reminder not to get distracted by superficial ideas, people, pettiness and drama.   We have all let distractions creep into our lives, but there comes a point to rise above them with a sense of clarity wrapped in urgency and resiliency to be the best iteration of yourself.

It's later than you think.

Realizations

I entered the largest fucking mental maze of my life over the past 3 years and I am coming out the other side different, stronger, resilient and more resolute, but the same time more caring, empathetic and open.  

Tim 2.0

 

Strap yourself in.  This is going to be a big one. 

I don't even know where to start, my head is spinning so fast.  Bear with me as I navigate this post as it could be the most important one yet.  I have finally come through the mental fog that has been hanging over me for the past few months.  I can see things so much more clearly now.  It is amazing how you don't know what you don't know and you can't see when your eyes start to go.  In the same vein, I did not notice my mental health slipping which probably has been ongoing for a long time as I tuned more into my bureaucratic worklife and away from the creative passions that have gotten me to this point in my life. 

I am back on track and needed a few kicks in the ass from the universe to realize there is a world of undiscovered beauty in front of me with endless possibility. 

I picture Cheryl and I now as if we were both 19 again, but instead of being scared and worried and unsure, broke, without a clear path.  We are now in a very similar position now, only this time we are armed through the roof.  We are now wiser, financially stable, connected on a level deeper than anything I could have imagined.  Some of this stems from all the negativity in the past, but through post traumatic growth and starting each day with a solid routine to get in the right headspace I have managed to push out of the fog and in a lot of ways I am clearer than I have been in a long time.  

I am working on a sort of  credo which is a written statement declaring publicly your intentions, motives or views. This is not etched in stone, but an ever changing frame of reference for me to refer to if things go off the rails again and a benchmark for me to compare my situation down the road.  Ideally, I would like to do this annually as a check in to see where the needle has moved from year to year.

Draft #1 - Tim's Credo for Maximizing Joy/Knowledge/Connection 

• Drinking clouded and numbed some of my judgements over the years.  I am now seeing clearer than I ever have in my life.
• I now realize that I don't need to be in survival mode any more.  Cheryl and I spent 25+ years in survival mode after we found out we were pregnant with Andrew.  We put our heads down and pushed through because it was the right thing to do.  We don't need to be in survival mode anymore.  We can take our foot off the gas and pause to reflect on our lives knowing there is so much more left to come.
• I was worried about my health after having so many health scares over the past couple of years, and had never had any previous major health issues,  but that has levelled out and  my specialist says I am on a good track and should probably live a normal regular life. I don't always need to be good, but health should always be a cornerstone for the rest of my life.
• We should never have to REALLY worry about money again and can focus on how to strategically use some of our finances to help the kids while enjoying the next chunk of life.
• I am re-connecting with a lot of my old values which I somehow managed to put on hold while sinking deeper into my bureaucratic work world.  As much as I had a good work/life balance, I think there is something deeper at play here.  A fundamental part of who I am has been neglected for years and needs to emerge.  Not sure what form that will take, but I am back in explorer mode and loving it.  I am rediscovering music, art, theatre, film, technology etc. 
• I somehow managed to stop growing thinking I had peaked.  So many things I thought I had topped out on when I still have a lot to do/say/share/help/be. 
• I am working on coping strategies to quickly be able to jump into and out of survivor mode as needed.  I am acutely aware of the impending mortality around me in the coming years and I want to reach out to anyone within my circle to connect and bring those connections and memories along for my ride.
• I confuse a lot of metaphors here as I can't seem to stick to one that matches how I feel, but I feel like I am vibrating with energy and potential (might need to flesh this out more).
• I am at a point now where I am aware that my energy will dwindle soon as this bright flame burns quickly.  I am trying to reconnect, make new connections and do as much good as I can in case I slip back into passive mode again.
• Things to do when you get in a funk include guitar, music in general, standup comedy, george carlin in particular, walking, biking, cleaning up the yard, going for a drive.
• I am alive and I want to stay that way and I have so much left to live and I am anxiously looking forward to the next chapter of my life. 
• I am re-connecting on a deeper level with Cheryl, Dan, Vicki and Carly and open to new experiences and adventures over the coming years.  That damn circle of life.  Blessing and a curse.  
• TIM - THIS IS YOU TALKING TO YOU RIGHT HERE.  COME BACK AND READ THIS IF YOU GET OFF TRACK.  THIS IS IMPORTANT AND SUPERSEDES ALL.   

It feels so good to get all that out.  Here's to more great things to come.  Some good tunes to set the tone for the state you were in when  you wrote this.  End of the innocence, Closer to fine, I need never grow Old, Like a rolling stone, the wall, galileo, pretty woman, can't cry hard enough, all of the beatles tunes following the release of get back, george carlin's new documentary.  + many more.

Peace & Simplicity

You were born into into a complicated and chaotic world.

You lived your life in a complicated and chaotic way.

You died under complicated and chaotic circumstances.

I hope you have found some peace and simplicity.

Shuffling off this mortal coil

 There has always been great discussion and debate over what happens when we die.  I imagine it is something humans have pondered since the begin of time.

The debate seems futile, really, as we will never truly know.  Therefore we create various stories, methods and theories about what we believe really happens.  But that is it, really, isn't it?   Belief.  Since, if a person truly believes something, it can be the source of what allows them to survive.  Particularly in the case of coping with death.

In the end, I really don't ponder what happens next as it seems like an exercise in futility.

Moreso, I hope that when we die, there is some form of explanation for what our role/goal/objective/meaning/purpose was here.  Obviously, we were put here for a reason, and I hope that at some point during or after death this reason because self-evident.

Something along the lines of "Ok, so this was the deal, here were the goals and here is how you performed". 

Lol.  Maybe I have been working in government too long as this sounds eerily like a performance evaluation.

Everything's Bearable

I'm going to start this post about Andrew, but I vow to forge ahead and start focusing on the present and planning for the future.  I have a lot of life to live and am looking forward to my next chapter with eyes open wide and in better health and more self-aware than I have ever been in my life.

We are coming up to the 3 year anniversary of Andrew's death on May 15th and as usual I am stopping to reflect on my life.  I have come to a sense of acceptance about Andrew and I move forward to focusing on adapting better coping strategies as I move forward.  I now feel better able to deal with major trauma, but I am now trying to become self aware enough to see it coming and start implementing health coping strategies such as exercise, fresh air, beach and music.

I have been reading mantras and life lessons over the past few years, that they all seem to blur into a black hole of optimism and variations on the theme of "everything happens for a reason", and lately my go-to simple line is "Everything's Bearable" from the season finale of Ozark.  Simplistic and honest it expresses the basic concept that you will get through this even though you doubt yourself you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

My  goals for this next chapter of my adventure include:

• Taking better care of myself both physically and mentally.  Only I can take care of me and I must do that in order to be there for myself and for those I love.  
• Actively checking in on Cheryl to ensure she is in an ok place.  She worries a lot and feels the need to be strong for all of us.  I know because I have been there.  These stresses will find a way to escape.  Guaranteed.
• Supporting both Dan & Vicki wherever I can and try to focus on the amazing things they have already accomplished and helping them to enjoy the journey instead of dwelling on my hopes for their success.  Even though this comes from a place of love, I am aware that they feel pressure to live up to high expectations and I want to do my best to minimize any expectations.  I just want them to be happy and healthy.  Bonus points for confident, helpful, honest and empathetic.
• Travel.  Nuff said.  Lots of it.  I need it both for the trip itself and the planning, excitement and stories that can be called upon if times are bad.
• Music.  Nuff said.  Lots of it.  Listening, learning,  playing, attending concerts.
• Always remember to ask "What do you recommend" in lots of situations.  Generally, people in roles have an expertise from doing something daily and can simply a process or advise what others typically do or what is popular.

Always remember that 17 year old Tim would be blown away by your success in all aspects of your life.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jon7092VB2s

Bring on 2022

Bring on 2022.  The last 3 years have been very difficult both for me personally and the world at large.  I don't think we fully understand the ramifications of Covid19 on every facet of the world we live in.  I imagine there will be books and studies and statistics on this period of history for generations to come.  We learn of key events throughout history and for my generation, having been born after the great wars and depression and living in an age of enlightenment with unprecedented technology, the global pandemic is undoubtedly changing the global landscape.  Shipping routes, tourism, restaurants, health care, education and travel are just a few of the sectors affected.  It is as if someone pressed a reset button and we cleared away a lot of the garbage that was clogging up the system.  I am hopeful that this is the catalyst that is needed to start bringing us back to centre and become gounded again.  We live in a time where we can filter out that which does not agree with our perceptions and listen only to the voices that agree with us.  This could end up drawing lines in sand.  In the past we used to say "agree to disagree", but that does not seem adequate anymore.  Protests and disagreements have escalated tremendously over the past few years due, in part, to Covid19 limiting our abilities and movements.

That was a bit of a heavy note to start 2022, but I think the pandemic, different opinions and a multitude of varying rules from province to province and country to country are taking its toll on all of us.

On a positive note, the holiday season was quiet and uneventful with both kids taking the time to spend time home for Christmas.  It was a different year due to covid restrictions on the size of gatherings which meant limited visiting with friends and family over the holidays.   That said, it was nice not to have to go anywhere, but just relax and decompress from a stressful couple of years.

My goal for 2022 is to try to be more positive and appreciate how good my life is.  After the events of the past few years, it is easy to become disheartened and depressed but, truthfully, things are going pretty well right now with everyone healthy and both kids on a positive track forward.

So, bring on 2022!