Friendship

I had to let a friend go.  They did not die.  We did not just fizzle out.  The friendship had not just run its course.  I had to make a deliberate decision to actively not associate with that person again.  I have never had to do that before.  It felt kind of like a break-up.  Which is also something that I have not done before.  It was, and is still, very difficult.  

I have always tried to get along with everyone.  I generally try to bend my ideas into a way that accepts other people's narratives.  This is healthy.  Generally.  But it also needs to be tempered with a measure of limitation.  I can't bend to everyone.  At 50, this was the first time that I could not bend enough to adequately include a friend in my world.  At first this felt sad, but it is very freeing.  By bending towards only select people, I can dismiss some of the noise and chaos that does not resonate with the peaceful world I am trying to foster. 

Friendships at 50 for me are very different to previous friendships that I have fostered.  I have a depth and a confidence in me that forces me to question things.  I used to try to hide this using alcohol to dull the monotony and chaos around me.  Now that I don't do that, I need more depth from my friendships, not more friends.  I am open to meeting new people, but they will have to clear different hurdles than other friends.

On a side note, I am realizing that the parent-child relationship is not based on the strict morality of right and wrong as it is with most adult relationships.  Instead, it is predicated on a complex set of factors that is not apparent to either party.