As I wake up in my hotel room in Halifax, I feel a sense of peace wash over me. This has been another step in my journey to recovery. Travelling to Halifax alone for work on a whirlwind trip has been very cathartic for me. It reminds me of back in my earlier career days when I loved travelling as I got to see new places, old friends, have new experiences and all under my work umbrella.
That has changed over the years, both because I would much rather stay home than travel unnecessarily for work and the development of videoconferencing options has made it much easier to meet from home.
That said, I used to travel for work alone and I loved it. I haven't love it over the last few years, but this trip was a throwback to my old days and reminded me of how freeing it is to be on your own schedule in a new place. It is also nice being in Halifax and not drinking as so many of my visits over the years were glossed here were glossed over with alcohol.
I have read a lot of adages, mottos, tropes, inspirational quotes over the past few years, and they are all good and have nuggets of truth or wisdom buried in them, but, inherently, these adages never full capture a person's complex thought and emotional process.
That said, here is my latest take. I feel like I have been in a the process of re-building. Totally stripping down who I was, who I have become, and who I want to be. This is a fascinating journey as I continue to "level up". After Andrew died, I tried unsuccessfully to recover, but when my own body finally caved, I was forced realized some hard truths and had to start re-building from scratch if I wanted to be around. I have been questioning all of my decisions and everything that led me to where I am today and so far the process has proved successful as I am removing / repairing negative aspects of myself, keeping and strengthening the positive ones, and developing new more nuanced aspects that I did not know I was even capable of. In truth, I believe that I am strong and better now than I have ever been in my life and I hope to continue on this journey.
One thing I have discovered and am working on is that I strive for perfection which seems like a noble concept, but can be problematic. If you aim for perfection and you obtain it, you have just met the bare minimum threshold of your plan. Anything else feels like failure. By focusing on just being better rather than being allows for more opportunities for success and does not leave me feeling that the concept failed. I know this is vague and I need to flesh it out more, but the essence is just try to be better, not perfect.
Another analogy that seems to fit lately is the game Jenga, but in reverse. You take an existing structure that is shaky at best and slowly rebuilding the pieces to make it stronger and more supportive. By adding these supports to strengthen and fill in the gaps, replacing outdated pieces, and adding new pieces to create a solid foundation going forward, I hope to become a better human being and continue living meaningfully. More than ever my old philosophy of the meaning of life is coming back into focus: Be good to people; Try not hurt anyone; and hope to fall in love (check!)
