Cathartic....

I spent the last few weeks taking 30 minutes a day and cleaning up my gmail account.  In the end, I went from 11,000 emails to 1500.  It was both beautiful, exhausting, exhilarating and a great reminder of all that I have done over the past 12 years.  Start with my first email to myself in 2004 which consisted of my resume, to all of my most recent emails. 

It was a great reminder of all of the family trips, vacations, cottage rentals, parties, marathons, races, birthday parties, christmas', Halloween, school pictures, kids projects, guys weekends, Canada day parties, new years parties, concerts, and general parties that I have been fortunate to be involved with over the past 12 years. 

There were also some sad and upsetting reminders over the years.  Arguments that I had with Cheryl and the kids.  Reminders of some of the stupid things I did over the years, and the passing of Mom, Nanny and Winston in recent years. 

2016 has been a bit of a rough year for me.  I am not sure why, but I have been feeling a bit depressed and lost over the past year.  I thought I was getting past the deaths of Mom, Nanny & Winston, but they trickle into my mind from time to time, along with other self-doubts. 

I was glad to finish my recent email purge with 2016 where I was reminded of how much happened this year.  The roller coaster ride Winston took before passing away, the trip to Ottawa to be with his friends and family, the subsequent PEI ceremony where I was expecting 30 people or so, and there was over 200 that I had to speak in front of, the 25 year reunion where we read Winston's prophecy.  Being involved with All New People, and the Laramie Project as an actor, Our Canada Day Party, Dad & Joyce's wedding, Birthdays, 2 Guys weekends, one in March in River John and a second one in November to Moncton, Grant's 50th birthday, Andrew's adventure and issues and subsequent new job at Screenscape and moving out. 

All in all, it has been a very crazy year.... and that's not even touching on the world at large where Brexit happened, and Trump is now president. 

I think John Oliver's video captures it well.  Although there were some bright spots to 2016, I will be glad when it is over.  Fuck you 2016!  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_M2NKE0fyI

The whole thing ropes around hope. HO - PE.

Well, we finished our run of "The Laramie Project" and it was extremely well received.  It was a powerful production that evoked a range of emotions as it spoke to the difference between tolerance and acceptance.  I found the production emotionally draining and after each rehearsal and show I just felt exhausted.  At the same time, it felt good to be a part of this production.  It was an ensemble show where every actor had some great moments to shine. 

It is nice to have my weekends back now that the production is over.  Looking forward to some down time and a quiet Christmas this year.

As part of a clean-up effort, I am going through my gmail account and deleting a lot of  unnecessary old emails.  I set up the account in 2004 and I have now sifted through 2004-2010.  It is an amazing journey to look back over the years to see kids emails and pictures, key trips and adventures that we took over the years.  It is very cathartic and humbling to realize all of the things we have accomplished over the years.  It has been great re-living conversations and emails with mom, and Winston as they are no longer here. 

I am hoping to set up a few new years resolutions this year as January is just around the corner.  I am hoping to play guitar more regularly, as well as curbing the alcohol for January.  I also want to try to build up to running again.  Something simple.  Even just a 5k would be a great start.

Ich Liebe Dich!

Well, we are having a beautiful fall on PEI so far.  The weather has been great.  Andrew has moved into an apartment downtown and seems to be doing well.  He stops in for family dinners from time to time and he and I go to lunch now and again.  Daniel is having a busy semester at UPEI, but he leaves for New York on Wednesday to attend Comic-Con.  Vicki is doing really well in school in her last year of high school.  Our goal is to help keep her focused this year so that her marks allow her to go to university or college. 

I am involved in another play.  The Laramie project is a heavy documentary about the killing of a gay man in the late 1990's.  It is a very powerful play and allows me to play a variety of characters which will help broaden my range.  Really looking forward to it. 

This is just a short update as 3 things happened consecutively over the past week that reminded me that life is short, and I thought I would capture it here.

September 28 would have been Winston's 43rd birthday.  I thought about him a lot that day realizing that he won't have the opportunity to celebrate anything ever again.  It made me think of a couple of lines from the poem they read on Remembrance Day, 'For the Fallen',

                      They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
                      Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.

Winston will forever be 42. 

On September 29, Billy Pineau turned 43.  I have such amazing memories of his "birthday week" in Mexico, and know that he is currently in the middle east, I thought I would put together a compilation video of his various birthday surprises.  It went over pretty well.  Good times. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UbBTTZPdhg0

Such a juxtaposition between Winston & Billy in all sorts of ways, but mostly in that one is here and one is not.  It made me think of the old saying "Tell someone you love them today, because life is short.  But SHOUT it at them in German, because life is also terrifying:  ICH LIEBE DICH!"
I've always loved that saying, because it is true.  Life is terrifying.  What determines that Billy will get more birthdays, but Winston does not. 

The final thing that happened, was on September 28, Tim Lynch's father, also named Tim Lynch passed away at the age of 82.  We went to his wake on October 2.  He lived a great life and was a man with a great spirit and a zest for life, although he was quite ill and confused over the past couple of years.  My favourite story involved Tim Sr. was when we attended Catherine Lynch's wedding.  In a kitchen full of women and myself, Tim went around the room taking drink orders.... he looked at each woman and said "Tea?', "Tea?", "Tea", and then he looked at me and said, in no uncertain terms "Whiskey!"  It was not a question, but a statement.  He then poured me a full tumbler of whiskey.  Tim Junior then walked in and looked at me and said "You let Dad pour you a drink?  What were you thinking?"   Great memory.

I was trying to find a way to pull these three events into some kind of tangible lesson to remind myself of both the good and the bad that life has to offer.  As cheesy as it sounds, the main message that I keep coming back to is from Ferris Bueller:  "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around for awhile, you could miss it!"

Addendum to last post....

There was so much information to unload in that last post I forgot 2 significant things that happened this summer. 

First, Cheryl and I spent her birthday together with a beautiful drive to Greenwich, a great bike ride through the trails, a couple of hours on the dunes reading, followed by a great lunch/supper at Point Prim Chowder House.  A great day, overall.

Secondly, I emceed Winston's memorial which was both difficult and empowering.  it was great to see so many people come out to support him.  Andrew read the poem "To the Child" that Winston wrote for him and it was very powerful.... especially the last 2 lines which, to me, sum up life.  The bad is good and the good is grant.  Doesn't get much simpler than that.

To the Child

Welcome to the world my child;

Where idiots sing and laugh and run.
Where wise men hide and lovers fear
And good men taste the salty tear.

I’ll help you down the twisting lane,

I’ll point you to your path and then,
I’ll watch you walk the dusty trail –
With love should you succeed or fail.

And though, my child, your life is new,
There’s one thing I must wish for you –
That somewhere down the winding road,
You’ll set aside your heavy load,
And close your eyes and understand,
That the bad was good,
               And the good was grand.

And I read a quote from Neurologist Oliver Sacks who wrote this piece while he was aware of his impending death.  To me, it sounds like the same pragmatic, literary writing that Winston would have written himself:

“My Own Life’

...Each death I have felt as an abruption; a tearing away of part of myself. There will be nobody like us when we are gone, but then there is nobody like anybody...ever. When people die, they cannot be replaced. They leave holes that cannot be filled. It is the fate; the genetic and neural fate of every

human being to be a unique individual; to find his own path, to live his own life, to die his own death. Even so, I am shocked and saddened at the sentence of death and I cannot pretend that I am without fear. But my predominant feeling is one of gratitude. I have loved and been loved. I have been given much and I have given something in return. I have read and travelled and thought and written. I have had an intercourse with the world; the special intercourse of writers and readers. Above all I have been a sentient being a thinking animal on this beautiful planet and this in itself has been an enormous privilege and adventure. So, that’s it.” - Neurologist Oliver Sacks, who died on Aug 30, 2015.

Summer of Independence

Well, it has been a couple of months since I posted here, so I probably should sum up the summer so far.  Our Canada Day party was a huge success with Bobby and Wade taking the green jackets this year.  Dan turned 19 this summer and is spending most of the summer at Ashley's place since it is more convenient for him to get to and from work.  I took 2 weeks off and ripped up carpet and laid laminate flooring in Vicki's room and the spare bedroom.  What a mess that was.  The amount of dust and doghair was unbelievable.  The rooms both look much better.  We had a great bbq at Steve and Debbies and it was great to see that side of the family.  I hope they continue the annual bbq as I can see us losing touch with mom's side of the family now that she is gone.  I spent some time with Chris while he was down this summer and it was great to get to know him a little better.   Cheryl and I did a fair bit of biking this summer going from St. Peter's to Morell and back, and Robinson's Island a couple of times.  We also saw a few plays including a show in Georgetown while we stayed at the Brudenell Resort, we saw several shows at the Island Fringe Festival, and we saw Ron White at the Casino in Moncton. 

And, Dad and Joyce got married on Aug 6.  This was a mixed bag of emotions for me.  I am happy that Dad is not alone, but I found the process and grandiose wedding they had was a bit overdone.  I am pleased that it is now over with so that they can settle into their normal life.  Dad also sold the house this summer which was kind of disappointing.  I understand that he needs to move on, but it was tougher than I thought seeing my childhood home disappear.

So, I am calling this the summer of independence for a number of reasons. 

Tim & Cheryl

• Dad is now remarried and will no doubt be focusing more on Joyce's family.
• Now that the kids are all working we have more time to spend with each other including travelling, eating out, and exploring.

Andrew

• He has accepted his first salaried position at Screenscape and seems to be in a good place right now. 
• He moved home for the summer to save money and build up a nest egg but is planning to move out in September.
• There seems to be a sense of maturity in him that I hadn't previously seen.  He actively helped around the house and was aware of people around him in a way I hadn't seen before.   Hopefully this is the start of something good for him.

Daniel

• Daniel spent most of the summer at Ashley's which was good for him.  He learned a lot about how another family operates and saw the pros and cons of living at home.  
• He turned 19 and is now legal to drink. 
• He is trying to balance a job, a girlfriend, school, fun etc.  and seems to be doing pretty well for a 19 year old.  I hope this continues into the school year.

Victoria

• Vicki started using the bus regularly this summer and learned that she can't always expect mom and dad to pick her up.  This was good for her self-confidence as well as developing a sense of independence.
• She worked a lot this summer, and is learning lessons about budgeting.
• She passed her beginner's test and is now able to drive with an adult.  We are hoping to set up Drivers Ed with Anne Arvidson in the winter.

RIP Winston

Well, it has been a whirlwind week.  Winston Evans passed away on June 2nd.  He had brain surgery in January to remove a tumour and when Jason and I went to see him in March, he seemed to recovering well.  It turns out that the cancer had spread to his spine and was inoperable.  I am going to quote my facebook post below on the matter as it seems to succinctly sum up my thoughts on my journey to Ottawa to say goodbye:

"One last hurrah with the man, the legend, Winston Evans. It has been a whirlwind couple of days with lots of highs and lows. The highs were meeting Winston's Ottawa friends and co-workers, who confirmed that Winston remained as generous and brilliant as always. One of my favourite quotes about him was something to the effect of "after 2 days we realized he was the smartest guy in the room, and after about a month I realized he might be the smartest person I have ever met."... I am so glad we made it to Ottawa and reconnected with old friends, met lots of new friends, and were able to share our memories of Winston. He was an enigma and we all had little pieces of the puzzle to share with each other. When all is said and done, the message I am taking out of this comes from Winston himself from the poem he wrote for Andrew when he was born. The poem talk about life's journey being full of ups and downs and the last two lines are "Close your eyes and understand, that the bad was good, and the good was grand." You were a classy, generous, brilliant man, my friend. And you left us way too soon. Rest in peace, my friend. You will not be forgotten."

As tough as this was, some additional good came out of this journey for me.  The usual realization that life is short and that we should be living it to the best of our ability and being present in the moment.  Also, all 3 kids stepped up while Cheryl and I were away for 5 days.  This was the first time we left them alone for that length of time and things went smoothly.  Andrew stepped up on his own and mowed the whole lawn and organized the spreading of our cedar mulch.  All 3 kids pitched in and kept the house running.  I am hoping this is the start of a new stage where Cheryl and I can travel regularly knowing that the kids are mature enough to get along. 

Looking forward to a relaxing summer.  Gonna miss this guy a lot.

Finding your Authentic Self

Wow... what a whirlwind few weeks.  Whereas most of my posts here are meant to give Cheryl and the kids a sense of who I was and what was important to me over the years in case anything should happen to me, this post is really a reflection for me and a reminder to myself to always remember your authentic self. 

So, the play was fantastic.  We didn't get the numbers that we wanted, but those who saw the show loved it.   It was great that I had lots of friends and family who attended the show and everyone enjoyed it.  It was so great to be a part of something so well-done without any weak links.  Here is a link to Sean McQuaid's review of the show and the quote that, to me, best sums up my feelings about the play as well:

"There’s an appealing comic chemistry in the easy interplay of the four leads, all of whom get to play plenty of serious dramatic moments as well as loads of broad comedy. In fact, all four give the strongest all-around performances I’ve ever seen from any of them in any show—these are talented actors in peak form, and actor-turned-director Malone can be justly proud of his ensemble’s achievement."Source: BUZZon.com
http://buzzon.com/index.php/news-articles/columnists/108-mcquaid-sean/25202-reviewer-discretion

I jokingly said to friends this weekend, that I think this played triggered my mid-life crisis, and I don't think I was far off with that.  As much fun as it was to be a part of this play,  I am realizing that I am getting older.  I was the old man of the cast and really noticed it as we went out for drinks and hung out as a cast. 

I am completely happy in my life and realize that when framed properly I am much better off than almost anyone I know.  I have a great happy, healthy family.  I have a spectacular wife with whom I can communicate on some amazing levels thanks to our 22 years together and some great adventures along the way.  I have a great job that pays me well, and have a great house that is the envy of family and friends.  And I have a great set of friends who have been a part of our journey for a  long time.  Normally, my confidence is very high and pretty much unshakeable, however, over the past few weeks as part of coming down from the high of the play and some realizations about aging, I have been feeling very vulnerable and unsteady.  This is new for me, and very disconcerting.  I am hoping that I am almost through this phase, as it feels wrong considering how lucky I am. 

I listened to Chef Michael Smith talking about his PEI experience and, although he was speaking about PEI culture, something he said struck a chord with me.  He spoke about finding your authentic self.  I love that expression.  I think part of me got caught up in the play that I was in and being un-authentic? for lack of a better word.  That along with a few other experiences over the past few weeks have caused me to be a temporarily unauthentic version of myself. 

Enough of the negativity... I have started running again and it feels great.  Looking forward to a great summer!

I am reminded of the Blue Rodeo song "Till I am Myself Again" and the lines:

I want to know where my confidence went
one day it all disappeared
and I'm lying in a hotel room  miles away
voices next door in my ear

Daytime's a drag nighttime's worse
hope that I can get home soon
but the half-finished bottles of inspiration
lie like ghosts in my room

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKcZsBLS17U

All new People....

So that last few weeks have gone by in a blur.  I am so happy to be a part of this show.  It is definitely the largest role I have ever had with lots of comedic moments as well as some great dramatic opportunities.  We open in 8 days.  It has been so much fun working in a more adult-oriented environment.  The play is 18+ with lots of drug use and sexual overtones.  It has been fun to get to know and work with this cast, but sometimes I feel my age.  The cast is 23, 27, 32 and me at 43.  It's been fun to hang out with younger people, but also makes me appreciate the experience that I have. 

It's interesting to watch Cameron at 23.  He is fearless and reminds both Keir and I of ourselves at that age.  We were fearless and passionate.  What I have lost over the years in fearlessness I have gained in patience and experience.  I think I am a better actor overall as I am more adept at finding the subtleties and nuances of a character and dialogue than I used to be. 

Either way, I am just happy to be back doing creative work in the theatre.  The creativity and energy from this type of project spills over into both my work and my home life.  I enjoy my job, but it doesn't offer much in the way of creativity.  Acting fills this void and allows me to be silly and goofy and at the same time passionate and dramatic. 

Can't wait until opening night! 

One large step for Tim....

I did it.  After regretting not jumping at Rick's café the last time we were there, I made the plunge (literally) and jumped this year.  The jump is roughly 35 feet high.  It felt great.

As usual, we had a great trip to Jamaica with Mark & Cathy.  Highlights of the trip included the One Love pub crawl through Negril on Valentine's day, as well as an excursion to Rick's café for me, and to Time Square for Cheryl & Cathy to do some shopping.  The weather was great while we were away.  We had a couple of cloudy days and a bit of rain, but overall it was great.  We stayed at the Riu Negril this time, which was fine, but I still prefer the Bahia Principe and the Grand Paladium Lady Hamilton.  This resort was nice, but just wasn't up to the same level as the other 2.  The jerk chicken on the beach was amazing, as was the steakhouse.  Overall food quality was good.  We stayed in building 2 which was close to everything and was just a few steps to the beach and to the beach bar where we spent much of the trip. Overall, it was a pretty tame trip with everyone enjoying themselves and no one getting too crazy. 

Now that we are back to PEI, it is back to routine.  I got a main role in the play "All New People" being directed by Keir Malone.  I'm looking forward to the play as it is a step away from the typical plays that PEI produces.  It is 18+ with various drug and sex references.  I am having a great time with it, but I am also a little nervous as it is probably my biggest role with lots of lines to memorize before April 7. 

Game on, 2016.....

Where to begin.... It was a great Christmas season with everyone home and everyone getting along for the most part.  We spent a relaxing Christmas eve playing board games and had a very quiet Christmas day and a beautiful Christmas dinner.

That said, it has been a challenging time with Andrew as he failed out of Holland College.  This caught us by surprise as all indications from him were that he was doing very well.  We then had a blowup at the end of the holiday and he has moved back to his apartment in search of a job until he can figure out what he wants to do.  It is such a tough call as a parent knowing when to help your kids and when to let them fail and figure things out on their own.  I think this was the last straw with us for Andrew for awhile as he does not seem to have any direction or motivation. I am hoping that some time on his own will do him some good to figure his shit out.  In some ways he has matured a lot over the past couple of years, but he still has not realized that he needs to pick a direction and have a goal in mind for what he wants to do. 

Both Dan & Vicki did really well in their first semester of school and received great marks. 

Our new year's eve party was a success with roughly 20-25 people attending.  It was probably one of my favourite parties ever as we laughed and laughed all night. 

2016 is off to a good start as I am trying to remain booze-free for January in an effort to lose weight before our trip to Jamaica.   I am also trying to cut out energy drinks.  So far so good on both fronts.  I started the year at 215, I am not down to 210 and hoping to get to 200 before we leave on Feb 12. 

Vicki is now working more at CARI and less focused on competitive swimming which I think is a natural progression for her.  Dan is focused on his second semester of Engineering after a great first semester.