December 11....

Well, the date I have been dreading is upon us.  Wednesday, December 11 would have been Andrew's 27th birthday.  I plan to post some of this on facebook, so I figure I would hash out my own feelings and emotions here to determine how much I will share with the world.  It has been almost 7 months since Andrew left us and I am not nearly as past this as I had hoped to be.  My only previous experiences with death are Winston, Mom, Nanny and others and I thought that the wisdom that I had learned from them would prepare me somewhat for this.  It did not. 

I struggle with whether it is better or worse that he was not speaking with us for the last couple of  years.  On one hand, I would give anything to have that time back and see if things could have been different.  On the other hand, it is really awkward as we prepare for Christmas without him, but also realizing that we had Christmas without him last year and he was alive and living 5 minutes away from us.

My best Andrew memories involve our annual bike trip from Charlottetown to Wellington (90km) with the obligatory stop at Frosty Treat.  It was a great time to chat and open up without the interruption of daily life.  That is how I will always remember you. 

We are planning a meal with just the 4 of us to celebrate Andrew's birthday with tacos and walking nachos (his favourites) and I am hoping that in future years we can combine a toast to Andrew with our annual Christmas vacation / tree decoration event.

Adding to my anxiousness are external factors such as Uncle Steve being diagnosed with liver cancer after just coming through prostate cancer, other relevant deaths of people I worked with and various incidents of crimes of a sexual nature of people I know.  All of this to say, I am not in a good place, 2019 sucked and I hope 2020 is better.

On the plus side, Cheryl and I are hoping to head to the Barbados to stay with Bruce & Gloria for a week in Feb/March. 

Fuck you 2019!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Split

During hurricane Dorian a few weeks ago, one of our 3 giant poplars split.  It did not fall, but it was cracked and ready to come down at any moment.  We had the tree removed and this is what is left.  It takes a lot to take down a tree when the roots are strong, but, as you can see, this one was cracked pretty deep.

It was only weeks later that I thought of the significance of this.  We had 3 giant poplar trees in a row and I worry about them every time there is a storm as they are so tall and so fragile.  We lost one.  Not unlike my children who I also worry about all of the time.  We lost one.

More dreams, but hopefully some clarification

Ok, bear with me...this could get a bit heavy and a bit trippy.  But I believe it has a light at the end of the tunnel....

So, I have been having a recurring dream over the past few months.  I believe it stems from an actual incident when Andrew as around 12ish.  He was flying a kite in our backyard and had it all the way to the end and could barely control it.  When I say this kite was high up, I could barely see it.  it was just a blip on the horizon over many power lines and streets.  I began pulling and pulling on the kite string and slowly the kite came back into view.  I was so nervous that it would land on power lines or on another street, but eventually we were able to reign it in.

I have never been scared of heights having done paragliding and wanting to skydive at some point in my life, but for some reason, this kite incident freaked me out.

Fast forward to 20-some years later and I started having dreams of Andrew in some sort of hot air balloon contraption and I am trying frantically to reign the balloon in.  But I can't.  It floats away and I wake up.

Other versions of this dream include Dan and Vicki in the balloon, and a kiteboarding version where the kids get so much air that they float away. 

I used to wake up from these dreams as nightmares, but the other night I had an inspirational dream.  I am no psychologist, but this makes sense to me.  In the most recent dream there were dozens of "balloon-type" contraptions in the air all attached to the land with ropes and chains and many of these ropes and chains were also attached to each other adding to the security of the balloons.  Once again, Andrew's balloon floated away, and Dan's started to float away but only went a few feet higher and then stabilized. ( I am sure this represents the fact that he is now moving out on his own).

I am not normally very lucid when I dream, but as I looked around, I could see the inter-connections between things and the rationalizations for how everything was related.  I took several messages out of this dream and now see it as a coping mechanism that my brain is trying to process a lot going on my life.  I realized:

• I have to let Andrew go.  His balloon has sailed and pulling all of the ropes as hard as I can can't stop that.
• As relationships change and kids get older, they need to branch out.  It doesn't mean they will float away.  (This is related to something that I have always said about parenting in that it is a long process of letting go.  When your child is born they need 24/7 care, but slowly, over time, you have to give some slack to the rope.)
• We are all inter-connected.  The ropes and the chains tying the balloons to the ground and the added strength of the connection to other balloons are they to staying sane.  To mix metaphors, it is the stability of the roots that gives a tree it's strength.
• Also, life can be scary.  You never know when someone's rope (or your own) is going to let go, so enjoy the ride.

I will no longer be scared of this dream.

Strange summer and vivid dreams

Well, summer is almost over and we just survived hurricane Dorian.  We fared ok losing power for about a day.  One of our tall poplar trees split and we had to have someone come take it down, but overall, not much damage at our place.

It was an unusual summer all around as the entire family struggled to find our new normal.  At first I did not think that we did much as we had little to no energy for most of the summer, but, upon reflection, I began thinking of everything we did this summer to take our mind off of heavier things.

• We went to see Martin Sexton at Harmony House where Vicki bought me his album and I heard his song "over my head" which struck a chord with me.  He also sang a song about his estranged son who he hoped he could reconcile with someday which also hit a nerve.
• We hosted our annual Canada Party as we figured we wanted to keep the tradition going and skipping a year would just put off the inevitable.  Lorri and Leonard won the washers tournament this year and Bob and Wade did not make it over this year.
• Both Cheryl and I took lots of time off this summer, but we did not travel much.  We did a lot of walks on beaches and took Molly to Argyle shore quite a bit.
• We made it to Greenwich beach and walked the floating bridge
• We ate at Point Prim Chowder House
• We hosted Cynthia & Ross
• Erin & Seb made it down
• Re-connected with Greg Pineo & Sean Nason, albeit under tough circumstances.
• We ate at Glasgow Glen pizza and sat on the beach drinking wine and eating pizza
• We spent several evenings on Lorri & Leonard's boat hanging with friends
• Cheryl and Vicki and Audrey went to see Patrick Ledwell's show

I have also been having very vivid dreams over the summer and I have been trying to figure them out.  I am no dream analyst, but I have a theory.  Three of my most vivid dreams so far are:

1. Dreaming that I wrote a short story that was very chaotic and involved a security guard monitoring a series of screens and he ends up getting lost trying to find a room on a screen he does not recognize.
2. Walking with the family and our suitcases through a large building trying to find our car.  We go down various hallways and rooms and seem to walk forever.
3. Performing in a play where I can't remember my lines and can't find my props just minutes before going on stage.

I see these dreams as my subconscious trying to reconcile all of the chaos in my current world.  I feel helpless and confused while trying to protect my family and wandering around in an endless loop without finding closure or any solutions.

Ok... enough over-analyzing.  Hoping the fall will bring a bit more control and some peace.

Yesterday is heavy. Put it down.

Out of all of the quotes, mantras, uplifting notes and suggestions regarding the grieving process, this one is the simplest and seems to resonate with me.  It encompasses many of the other mantras (you can't change the past, it is what it is, you have to move on.... etc) but does it very succinctly and simply.

I don't know if I will ever get over the loss of Andrew, but we are doing our best to continue to live our lives.  I have a feeling that his death has changed me in a way that I don't fully understand yet.  I get the feeling that I am not the same person I was before May 15.  I was never patient at the best of times, but I find myself frustrated by people around me and I can get easily agitated over simple things.  I am trying to curb this.  I also feel lost.  I will pace around the house doing minor housework but mainly just killing time as I don't know what to do with myself.  Cheryl seems to be able to wrap herself in books, audiobooks, knitting, bonfires etc., but I don't seem to be able to focus on one thing for very long.  I am hoping this is temporary.

To the Child....

Well, this is the hardest thing I have ever had to write.  On May 15, 2019, Andrew passed away after an accidental overdose.  There are no words that I can write here that will accurately describe the pain and the emotions I have been feeling over the past month.  We had not been close for the past couple of years, but I always thought there would be a moment when he would reach out to us, but wanted to give him space until he was ready. 

I have spent the last few weeks talking to friends, family, strangers, counsellors and it does not change any facts.  He is gone and I will never have closure on our relationship. 

So instead, in the only way I know how, I am going to list some of my favourite memories with him so they are not lost with him.

• Our regular bike rides from Charlottetown to Wellington where he actually seemed comfortable and would open up to me in the tranquility of the woods.
• Our camping trip to Cavendish where I took each of the kids for their own separate individual night away.
• Our trips -  Quebec City, Ottawa, Toronto, Montreal, Disneyland, Universal Studios
• Our annual family camping trips with the Wells' (Halls Harbour, Shediac, Pictou and others)
• His love of puzzles, board games, comic books, video games and useless trivia

I know there are many more, but I must move on.  Both physically and mentally.

I know you had been struggling to find yourself over the past couple of years and I only hope that you have found some peace. 

Rest in peace, my beautiful boy.

Serenity Now

What a great relaxing week in the Dominican.  We spent our 25th anniversary at Puerto Plata Village, the same place we spent our 10th anniversary.  It was just how I remembered it.  Yes, it is a little run down and could use some work, but the food, beach, pool bar and rum were just spectacular.

It was so nice travelling with just the two of us.  We met lots of great people and just spent the week relaxing on the beach and the swim up bar.  Here is my agenda for a perfect day at the resort.

8:00 - get up, shower and go to breakfast
9:00 - go to beach and relax
10:00 - beach bar opens
12:00 - Amazing pizza at the snack bar
1:00 - Swim-up bar
5:00 - Siesta
6:00 - Dinner
7:00 - Evening drinks

Repeat :)

We had a great relaxing week with amazing weather.  It was so great to fly out of Charlottetown and return to have the kids pick us up.  The 5 minute drive was so much nicer than our typical 3 hour drive back from Halifax.

Back to real world now.  It was -29 the day we went back to work and the van wouldn't start.  Needed a new battery.  Oh well, it was fun while it lasted :)

Happy New Year

It is now 2019 and we rung in the new year with our usual crew of friends.  It was a pretty tame event by our previous standards, but it was great to see a lot of our friends as we don't all get together as much anymore.

I committed to "dry January" with no booze for the month and so far it has been great.  I have dropped a few pounds and I am feeling better.  I have also gone to the gym for the last 5 days straight.  Hoping that will continue.

Cheryl and I booked a trip to Puerto Plata Village for our 25th anniversary.  The reviews are not great, but it is a nostalgic place for us as it was our first trip south and the moment of our "reconnect/disconnect" come to Jesus moment in our relationship where we realized we had to be more than just "mom and dad".  It was probably one of our biggest fights, but when we came through it we were stronger and more committed than ever.  It is very easy to get complacent in a relationship.  This is especially true lately as we see lots of our friends struggling with their relationships. 

Here's hoping the reviews of our resort are exaggerated.  I distinctly remember the swim-up bar, the piano bar, and the pizza shack as being highlights from 15 years ago.  Here's hoping they still hold up.