Tough pill to swallow

It has been almost 10 years since mom died.  I miss her more now and for different reasons than I ever thought I would.

As the world becomes more chaotic, I long for mom's practical, no-nonsense often unnecessarily crass and sometimes narrow-minded viewpoint that she would unabashedly share at no one's request.  

I used to be embarassed by some.of that banter, but, but looking back, I see that a lot of it was honest, truthful and coming from a place of love and respect.  She just didn't know how to tone down the aggressive blunt meter.

What I wouldn't give to have her ask me "how can you be so stupid?"  One more time.  I didn't know it then, but this type of clarity and honesty was a gift to me.    Not many people in this world tell you what you need to hear.

Do not question the process, appreciate the results

Do not question the process, appreciate the results.

I am not sure where this mantra originated.  Whether it was my own concoction or some variation on a theme by Alan Watts, it seems to be resonating both within myself as well as in the responses of others when I explain my current headspace.  

There can be a lot to unpack in a few short words, but what it means to me is that everyone has walked a journey of highs and lows to get to this particular moment in time.  The very fact that you are here right now in this moment is enough.  Pause.  Reflect.  Think about the strange and confusing process that got you to this point in your life.  Then let it go.  Accept that through some good decisions, bad decisions and factors that you had no control over, you are here in this immediate.  What happens from this instant is open to possibilities.  Nothing is etched in stone.

• Most of the time people are so absorbed in their own worlds they don't pay attention to anyone but themselves and even if they do pay attention most people are not as deeply invested in your problems as they have their own internal issues to deal with.
• I imagine that if someone would ask Alan Watts about his life he would be pretty pleased with the outcome it might not have adhered to typical standards but I bet you it met or exceeded his own personal expectations based on his own internal standards.
• I have spent a lot of time focusing on others over the last 30 years and for this next chunk of my life I need to focus on me.  Not necessarily things that I am good at, but things that make me happy and cause minimal stress.  
• Having a person you can trust implicitly when the world seems confusing and deceitful is a luxury that not all people have. 

From personal experience, the less that I focus on the specifics of where I want to get to, but instead just float generally in a direction that feels right, the more things naturally work in my favour.  Following instinct, and the natural ebb and flow of both my mental and physical health allows me to groove with the vibe that is needed.  When things happen organically there is a more natural feel and flow as opposed to someone trying to force an idea into acceptance.  

Humanity Enabler & Irreducible Rascality

• As I watch debt consultants on TV discuss financial planning and increasing interest rates, I remember being comforted by this in my youth thinking that at least everyone was in the same boat as me in debt and being backed into a corner.  Now that I am older, I remain comforted by these advertisements as I know that now I will no longer need to worry about these issues and it reminds me of the work we have done to get this far.  Not just the work itself, but the volume of work.  30 years worth of doing anything gets you better at it than someone who has only been doing it a short time.  It is comforting to remember that Cheryl and I not only have chemistry, relative financial independence, we have 30 years of experience together.  The cumulative and in-depth experience we have shared together occurs rarely in today's modern fast-paced world.  Put another way - 30 years of doing anything gets you good at it.  Multiply that by working collaboratively with a partner that you trust implicitly and the possibilities are endless.  
• Some of the biggest realizations and a-ha moments of my life started out with an immediate, total, and resounding denial of the reality of the situation.  While it takes me a long time to work through the process.  Sometimes years or a lifetime,  It is always a surprise when I end up flipping an internal switch that I believed would always be on to off.  Turning a No to a Yes.  Moving from a viewpoint that seemed immovable and yet finding a way to navigate through to the other side.  I have spoken of this before here, but this concept fascinates me.  I would like to become more aware of these moments so that I can play into them and understand them better.  What is the rationale for an immediate and assertive/aggressive reaction.  That should be a trigger warning for me.  Why am I so definite?  This is probably an indication of something more than it appears.
• Simplistically, I define myself as a rule-bender.  I try not to break them, but sometimes they make no sense, sometimes there is a better option, sometimes rules were made to be broken.  I always like the line from Great Big Sea, Consequence Free that says "a little bit of anarchy, but not the hurtin' kind".  I often feel that way about myself.  More recently, I read an Alan Watts description of "the element of irreducible rascality which is part of us and a part of the universe."  I really like how he describes seeing a glint of this in people's eyes when he sees them on the street.  I call them "my people".  I see them out and about on trips, in the stores, on the beach, in traffic.  They are everywhere.  People with a little glint in their eye.  A wink and a nod to the world around them and our place in it.  My people.  
• In essence, for a long time, while I considered myself a rule-bender, I now see myself as humanity-enabler.  Not only more accurate, this label has more positive connotations.

Consequence Free

Irreducible Rascality

Summer Update

 Well, the year of 2023 continues to kick years 2019-2022 in the ass.  As if this year has not already been transitional, life-changing and relationship-affirming.  We are nearing the end of the Summer of Cheryl, and what a summer it has been.  Here are a few highlights so far. 

• Our last Canada Day party was a success.  We had a great turnout of friends and family and a washer toss tournament that saw Jack & Taylor defeat Erin & Sam in the finals.  Lots of good memories and great friends.  It was like a chapter closing in our life.  It was great to host when the kids were young and helped cultivate our group of friends, but the time for us to be at the helm is done. We will see what happens in the future, but it is great to have Canada Day open to travel or make plans without hosting.
• We made it to Parlee Beach.  Years of nostalgia came flooding back to me here.  Years of staying at Barb Goguen's cottage growing up, to Dale & Barb's cottage, Bub & Gerry's cottage, all of the family gatherings we had there when I was a kid.  And finally, to our own family excursion there with Mark & Cathy and their family.  Sean & Kat Nason had a place right on the water and we walked to the beach, played some guitar, had some fantastic food and basically remembered where we came from.  
• I could spend a long time delving into hanging with Sean Nason & Greg Pineo again, but I will keep it short.  As always, these two gentlemen have been with us at our highs and lows over the years with both of them stepping in when Andrew was born, and stepping in once again when he died.  Hanging with these guys reminds me of where I came from and how lucky I am.  Sociable, gents!
• Chris & Aislinn spent a week with us here.  I was never worried, but I know that our lifestyles are very different, so I didn't know how we would all mesh.  It worked out great.  Chris and I had great discussions on the deck in the morning and we balanced our time together and apart very well.  As I watch Wayne, and Dad and Pommie get older, I am hopeful that Chris, Jackie and I will continue to foster  a relationship like this.
• Dad's 75 birthday was a success.  Joyce planned the event at their house and family and a few friends stopped by.  The Wartman Clan headed to Panmure Island and CLamdiggers the next day for a family celebration as well.
• Chris & Aislinn treated Cheryl & I to see "The play that goes wrong" at Confederation Centre.  The play was great and it was great to spend time with Chris & Aislinn, but for me the real thing of note here was Graham Putnam on stage at Confederation Centre.  Local Boy does good.  It is so good to see "one of us" local theatre guys catch a break on the big stage.  And he nailed it.  
• We snagged last minute tickets to see Jerry Seinfeld in Summerside and Bill Burr in Halifax.  Both shows were great.  
• I had Refractive Lens Exchange (RLE) Surgery in Halifax at Halifax Vision Surgical Centre.  Surgery was yesterday and so far the results are fantastic. Unlike my laser eye surgery (PRK) which fixed my distance and was very dramatic, this surgery replaced the entire lens.  While the surgery will fix all  of my vision including never having cataracts, the main difference for me is reading and using computers and cellphones which I am doing as I type this much easier and with less strain.  I had been noticing this slipping and as I rely more and more on technology and reading, this surgery will hopefully put me ahead of the curve while I am still young enough to enjoy my full range of vision.  That is my hope anyway.  This is day 2, so we will see.  
• Cheryl is still retired and loving it :) - I have tried to play gatekeeper this summer so that Cheryl can focus on Cheryl without having to defer to others needs/wants which is her natural tendency.  I hope this gives her the space she needs to figure out what she wants to do JUST for her.  But most importantly, to have fun.