The White Rocks of Brackley

 

For as long as I can remember, I have picked up a rock while walking on a beach.  Not just any rock, but the prettiest, shiniest, smoothest rock that I could find.  Often, I would throw one away in favour of another better rock.  I used to save these rocks and throw them in a dish when I got home, but I have since given that up. 

I do however, continue to pick up a white rock and carry it with me while I walk the beach.  The thought struck me yesterday as Cheryl and I walked Brackley beach for the first time since we scattered Andrew's ashes.  I used to do it absently, but now if felt somehow important.  

In the same way that the air we breathe contains minute traces of those who passed before us, so does the sand.  The sand ebbs and flows with the tide and Andrew's ashes are now a part of that beach.  As I picked up the obligatory rock yesterday, it struck me that this rock has possibly touched or been in the vicinity of Andrew in some tiny miniscule way.  I carried the rock with me as we walked the length of the beach and then gently let it go as we walked up the beach stairs to return home. 

Certain Spirits are too bright to contain

If Love is everything, love is pain

Certain spirits are too bright to contain ~  The East Pointers, Wintergreen

We scattered Andrew's ashes last night and it was beautiful, heartbreaking and at the same time cathartic.  We drove to Brackley and the weather was perfect.  A little chilly, but no rain and no one else on the beach.  Vicki stood back and observed in the same way that I do.  Dan took off his shoes and walked in the water in the same way Cheryl did.  The beach was empty and the sky was clear.  It felt like as much closure as I will ever get.  We picked up Chinese food and laughed and moved forward in our own confusing lives.  

As the kids left, I experienced my first-ever migraine which lasted for a couple of hours.  When I finally came around, the Northern Lights were shining above PEI.  The picture above was posted on facebook from Brackley Beach where only a mere 5 hours earlier we scattered Andrew's ashes.  My love was painful and his spirit was too bright to contain.  

I found out later that last night was the strongest Aurora Borealis since 1932, covering most of Canada.  Certain spirits are too bright to be contained, indeed.

I keep saying the universe looks out for me.  Thanks U!

Rest Easy, My Son

As the water licks the sand
I relax
As the salt air fills my lungs
I feel calm
As my feet plunge deep in the sand
I am home

You are now at home, too
Endless water, limitless sky, forever sand
Your memory will remain
where we walk and smile
And dance and sing

5 Strange years later

 

A lot of emotions today.  On May 15^th it will be 5 years since Andrew died.  It has been a strange 5 years unlike anything in my life to this point.  In an effort to move forward, Cheryl and I and the kids are scattering Andrew’s ashes at Brackely Beach.  I have such great memories when the kids were young of leaving work and calling the kids to tell them to pack for the beach.  I would be off work at 4:00, Cheryl and I would swing home and pick up the kids who had already packed everything we needed.  We would swing through the Wendy’s drive through and pick up burgers and fries and a large pop to share.  Money was tight in those days and every penny counted.  We would arrive on the beach just as most people were leaving.  We would enjoy a couple of hours of beach time knowing that we could come back any time we wanted.  Such is the privilege of living on an Island 15 minutes from a beach.  At our peak, we probably did that about 20 times a summer.  It was probably the happiest we all were together.  Once the kids got older, there were always complications and other priorities.  It seems only fitting to leave Andrew where we were at our happiest as a family. 

The past 5 years have been full of highs and lows, but so drastically different from the 46 previous years of my life.  The lack of control over my own body let alone my kids has been an eye-opener.  Such is the blessing and curse of raising independent kids.  You teach them not to need you, and then they don’t.  But what I have gained in return, is a renewed sense of who I am as a person.  Not Dad, but Tim.  I am now free to explore my own interests at my own pace which, of late, is much slower, and I am ok with that.

May Flowers

 

April has been a busy month

• I stacked 1.5 cords of wood
• We planted 20 new cedar trees, 2 spruce trees, a cherry tree, a weeping willow and lots of flowers.
• We started purging some of the stuff from the basement that we no longer need to save including selling our old wicker blinds and my old speed bike.  Much of the stuff that we were saving for the kids are things they don't really want or need.
• Cheryl and I attended the ECMA songwriting circle which was absolutely fantastic.  It inspired me to dig deeper into my writing.  It is so great to hear the backstories of songs from the artists themselves and to hear about the songwriting process.  
• The hot tub is set up and working great.  I forgot how relaxing and calming it can be when I get stressed.  
• Cheryl and I biked to Robinson's Island and I have been biking whenever I can.  The weather has been wet and cool, but I have managed to bike to work 3 times already this season.  
• I had a great visit Dad as he came down to visit.  We played guitar and went for a great walk along the rails to trails.  
• Chris is coming from May 16-21 and is staying at our place.  It will be great to catch up.  We are hoping to get out on Andre's boat for a day of lobster fishing, weather pending.
• I have been trying to play guitar at least an hour a day and I can feel myself improving.  My pacing and timing is improving and my voice is more consistent when I sing regularly.

Looking forward to a good summer as we plan to go to Fundy to hike in preparation for our Gros Morne trip in August.  I am hoping to bike and hike and walk beaches this summer.