Growing up fast

I printed this for my office, but thought it was important enough to share.  Cheryl and I do not fully comprehend how far ahead of the curve we were from 1992-1995 given the complexity of the changes in our life.  I love you and our life so much in ways I probably do not even comprehend myself.  I just know that I need you and have never felt so complete and seen in my life.

This is from an article I read this week online:

People who had to grow up too fast often display these 9 distinctive behaviors as adults

Growing up — it’s something we all go through, but for some, it happens far too quickly. Being thrust into adult situations and responsibilities at a young age can have a profound impact on one’s development and behavior. I know this firsthand, and if you’re here, you likely do too. People who’ve had to grow up too fast often carry certain distinctive patterns and behavior into adulthood.  But how can you identify these behaviors? Well, that’s what we’re going to explore in this article. We’re going to delve into the unique behaviors often displayed by adults who had no choice but to grow up too fast. There’s a lot to unpack here, so let’s start unraveling.

 

1) You’re no stranger to responsibility

Let’s talk about responsibilities. For those who’ve had to grow up prematurely, responsibilities came early and didn’t let go. These individuals often find themselves naturally taking charge in adult life, simply because they’ve been doing it for as long as they can remember. This isn’t about being a control freak or power hungry. It’s about an ingrained sense of duty and a deep understanding of the consequences of actions. They’re often the ones who keep their calm when things go south. They’ve faced adversity and have developed the resilience to deal with it. They’re the ones who’ll step up to the plate when no one else will, and they won’t shy away from difficult tasks or decisions.

2) You have an old soul

An old soul refers to someone who seems wise beyond their years, someone with a depth of understanding or an unusual sense of maturity. Now, here’s the thing…

Those who had to grow up too fast often fit this description. They’ve seen more, done more, and experienced more than their peers. They’re often the ones who are comfortable in their own company, preferring deep conversations over small talk. They have a sense of calm and wisdom about them that sets them apart. Their early experiences forced them to see the world through a more mature lens, which often translates into them being perceived as an ‘old soul’.

3) Yet, you sometimes feel like an imposter

While those who grew up too fast often display an uncanny maturity, there’s an interesting paradox that emerges. Imposter Syndrome. Even though they might be highly competent and often outperform their peers, these individuals can sometimes grapple with feelings of inadequacy o not being “good enough. They may doubt their accomplishments and have a persistent, internalized fear of being exposed as a fraud. Why does this happen? Well, when children are thrust into adult roles prematurely, they might develop the belief that they must always exceed expectations to be worthy. This can lead to a constant pressure to perform and an inability to internalize success. So, despite outward appearances of competence and confidence, internally, they might feel like they’re just pretending to be an adult. 

4) Do you often feel emotionally exhausted?

Emotional exhaustion is more than just feeling tired. It’s a state of feeling emotionally worn-out and drained as a result of accumulated stress from your personal or work lives. People who were forced to grow up too fast often carry a higher emotional load than others. They might have been the ones managing family crises, taking care of siblings, or dealing with complex situations way beyond their years. As adults, they might still be the “go-to” person in their family or friend circle for any crisis, adding to their emotional burden. This constant state of being on high alert can lead to emotional exhaustion over time.

5) Your independence is non-negotiable

Here are a few signs that your independence is a direct result of having to grow up too quickly:

• You prefer doing things on your own, even if help is available; You feel uncomfortable relying on others; You value your autonomy and guard it fiercely; You’re highly self-reliant and self-motivated.
• These traits are not just about being independent. They’re about survival, resilience, and self-preservation. They’re the marks of someone who’s had to fend for themselves from an early age.

6) We struggle to let go

Let’s face it.  Letting go can be a real struggle. I know it was for me. Whether it’s a relationship, a job, or a personal belief that no longer serves us, we tend to hold on tighter than most. Why? Well, when you’ve had to shoulder adult responsibilities early on, you learn to value stability and predictability. Change can be unsettling, even if it’s for the better. We might fear that letting go will lead to chaos or loss – feelings we’re all too familiar with from our younger years. So if you find it hard to let go, even when your logical mind tells you it’s the right thing to do, you’re not alone. 

7) You’re always prepared for the worst

Imagine this: You’re planning a road trip with friends. While they’re excited about the fun and adventure, you’re the one checking vehicle safety, planning alternate routes, and even packing a first-aid kit. Sound familiar? People who had to grow up too fast often develop a knack for anticipating problems. They’re always prepared for the worst-case scenario. Why?Well, life’s taught them that things can go wrong unexpectedly. As children, they might not have had the luxury to be carefree and unprepared. Now, as adults, they carry this sense of vigilance with them. It’s not that they’re pessimistic; they’re just realistic.

8) Your boundaries are often blurred

I remember when I was a kid, I often found myself playing the role of a parent or counselor to my friends. I was always there to lend an ear, offer advice, or even handle their problems. At the time, it felt like I was just being a good friend. But as an adult, I realized that this habit had led to blurred boundaries in my relationships. You see, when you’re forced into adult roles prematurely, you might end up overextending yourself for others.. You might struggle to say no, even at the cost of your own well-being. This lack of boundary awareness isn’t about being selfless or generous. It’s a coping strategy from childhood that can carry over into adulthood.

9) The most important one: You’re resilient

Life threw you into the deep end at an early age, and you learned to swim rather than sink. You faced challenges that many your age didn’t have to, and you came out stronger.

This resilience is not just about survival. It’s about thriving in the face of adversity thriving in the face of adversity.  It is about turning your trials into triumphs. Let me be clear: this doesn’t make the struggles you had to go through any less challenging or unfair. But it does speak volumes about your strength and tenacity.

 

Are these traits holding you back or propelling you forward?

As we’ve explored, growing up too fast can lead to some distinctive behaviors in adulthood. Some of these behaviors might serve you well, while others might hold you back.

• are your coping mechanisms helping or hindering you?
• Is your resilience turning into stubbornness?
• Are your boundaries healthy or too rigid?
• Growing up too fast is not a choice many of us had. But as adults, we do have a choice in how we let these early experiences shape us.
• The key is to recognize these behaviors, understand their roots, and then make conscious decisions about how we want to live our lives moving forwar
• Remember, it’s not about erasing our past, but about learning from it and using it to become the best versions of ourselves.
• May your journey be one of resilience, growth, and self-discovery.
• In a world brimming with choices and distractions, many of us grapple with the vital question: “What truly matters to me in life?”
• Navigating life’s complexities often leaves little room for self-reflection, making it challenging to identify and embrace our core values.

Fantastic Five

[Insert pic here of the fantastic 5] 

At 50 years old, when my dad is 75 and my kids are roughly 25ish, it seems like an interesting teeter-totter moment.  There are thousands of people who have made a difference in my life. Most are still here, but for those that are not, here are the people that are resonating most strongly with me at this point in my life.  

• Mom - "How Can you be so Stupid".  The assertive non-apologetic voice of my Mom.  I would love to hear echoes of her right now as I navigate dealing with my dad and my daughter, two generations I do not understand.
• Winston - As you knew at 20, the bad was good and the good was grand.  At 50, I am still learning lessons from you, my friend.  How am I still here at 51 when you are not?
• Dale - Your large frame, bright red hair, and strange southern drawl intrigued me for as long as I can remember.  It did not hurt that you sent us great presents as kids.  Wrapped in comics and sealed with a bright silver dollar.  Your approval was so important to me as I explained to you each year what my "plans" were.  Never realizing that plans most often go out the window.
• Nanny - My Flower.  My wink and a nod.  I was your favourite in at time when you were still allowed to have favourites.  You were a voice of reason and a pillar of strength.  I loved so much visiting you in your own home and remembering the great times there.
• Andrew - "Actually..."  I was going to finish the sentence, but I realized all I needed was to hear Andrew's voice saying "Actually".  He said it so much - The product of two academics striving and proving daily.  

4 Mismatched Bowls

A seemingly innocuous picture of 4 bowls, but it is what the bowls represent that is important in this picture.  When Cheryl and I got married in 1994 we received among our many wedding gifts, numerous pyrex bowl sets.  You know the ones, the set of 3 small, medium and large bowls.  I think at one count we had 8 sets of them.  Audrey and Vernon graciously kept several sets in their attic, but slowly released them to us over the years.  On February 19th, it will be 30 years that we have been married and these are the last remaining bowls from all of the received sets.  

Not one bowl matches, there are 3 large bowls, one medium bowl, no remaining small bowls and I have no earthly idea where the remaining 20 bowls went over the years.  Such is life, my friends.  we are handed a lot of tools over our lifetime.  Over the years, they dwindle, disappear, lose their luster and sometimes even their relevance, so we must support them with other tools.  

Sometimes the things we hold on to are important, and other times they are just old outdated mismatched bowls.

Tim Talk Prequel

I have been thinking about adding video and music to my blog in an effort to better capture my emotions, vibe and feelings.  Also to stop being so performative and perfectionistic in front of the camera.  My inner actor/perfectionist comes out once the camera starts rolling.  This is a first attempt. 

Tim Talk Prequel

Blindsided on a Tuesday (Friday) by Andi The Ultimate

 

Tonight I took a stab at re-vamping my Youtube channel to try to start recording short video clips to include here.  What I found was that I had only a few subscribers including "Andi the Ultimate".  

Cheryl and I joke all the time about the things that "blindside you on a Tuesday", the idea being you plan for things you expect to go wrong or right, but it always seems to be things that you don't plan for that are either the best of the best or the worst of the worst.  This one hit me like that. 

• I never knew Andrew followed my Youtube Channel
• I love that, even today, over 4 years after his death, these videos represent some of the last things he was focusing on.  Specifically:  Healthy Brain, The circle of Mental health, and sick brain.  
• I know that he specifically attended this event and filmed the it so that others could watch it.  He was very involved with this group and mental health.  He even bought water bottles with his own money and packed them in a cooler with ice to bring to the event so people would have drinks. 
• I love the profile picture  he has shows the words "May the bridges I burn light the way".  A message I hope means he was working on his issues and was heading in a positive direction. 
• On a personal note, I know that Andrew felt the need to redefine himself as Andi which I respect, but the fact that he did not stray too far from where we started is a comfort.

Aquarius

February has always been a great month for me.  And so far it has need been soured by any of the negative dates and months that hang over my head at this point in my life. 

Growing up having a birthday in February was a blessing and a curse.  It was always cold and weather-dependent, but at the same time you were still in school and everyone treated you special on that day.  So from a young age, I have always loved that month.  Then it rolls into Valentine's day, which, although not a big holiday for us, is still a romantic excuse to do fun stuff.  Add to that that we got married in February because it was our reading week during university.  

That makes February the trifecta for me: Birthday, Valentine's Day, Anniversary.  With the advent of Facebook, this month became a constant barrage of well-wishers reminding me that they were happy I was still alive at such an advanced age, that Cheryl and I could still be romantic, and that Cheryl had still stuck with me through another year.  I used to enjoy this attention in my younger years as validation of the path we were on, but now I find most of it rings empty and false and I have limited my interaction with social media and anyone who reaches out to me through that venue.  But I digress.

February continued to be a strong month for me once Cheryl planned our first trip south in 2003.  Bitten by the travel bug, February was a natural fit for a travel month and we could pool our resources and commit my birthday budget with our valentines day and anniversary budget which would cover some of the cost of the extravagance.  This turned out to be an investment into us which is still paying dividends today.  

So many of our memories from 30-45 took place in February.  So many trips down to Mexico, Dominican, Cuba, Jamaica, Barbados. Building memories and doing crazy things with our friends in a foreign country where we were anonymous.  Re-connecting to who Cheryl and I are as a couple.  Understanding the diversity of cultures and nationalities and developing an appreciation for how good Canada and PEI really is.  Reminding ourselves that we love our kids and we are always Mom and Dad, but we also need to forget our own authentic selves and where we come from and what brought us together. No one understands our full journey, but Cheryl and I.  But I digress.

Over the last few years a lot of seasons, dates, and even months have been soured by the reality of the world around me.  For whatever reason, February has remained intact.  I have no illusions it will always be this way, but in these dying moments, as February first slides gently into the second, I want to enjoy this month.  

I am looking forward to celebrating my 51st birthday on Tuesday with my family, and Cheryl and I will continue our tradition of bypassing the commercial valentines day holiday in favour of our own traditions and will head to Jamaica for our 30th anniversary.  I have no idea what February will mean to me in the future, but for now it remains a nice safe stretch in a world that sometimes seems a bit like a monopoly board where you have to roll carefully to avoid all of the pitfalls.