Denouement

Ahhh, the denouement.  My favourite part of things.  The part of the play or story where things get wrapped up and tied with a bow.  

I have only been off the stage for 1 hour and I am fortunate to have some time to myself to process this experience.  Overall, doing this play as I turned 50 was a fantastic experience which allowed me to see a lot of the experience, knowledge and wisdom that I have gained over the years and put it into practice.  I am not as young as I was, but what I lack in fearlessness, I make up for in experience, efficiency and strategy.  Overall, I think I am a more intuitive actor now that I am older and can play for deeper emotions rather than just the low-hanging fruit.

Back to the real world, Monday, but this experience has helped me to re-sharpen my focus on ME and to remember all of the amazing unique skills that make me who I am.  

Ethereal

As I sit in the hospital bed for my routine scope of my esophagus I thought I might start to process the chaotic beautiful experience that was "Mom's Run Amok".

• Good lesson to learn - it doesn't matter how good or bad you feel today you have no idea what you are going to feel like tomorrow.
•  don't know whether this is just me or human nature but when I was younger I focused on finding the joy in big items such as birthdays, parties, big milestone events while often overlooking  all the joy in the small things.
• The older I get the more I realize once you've been broken down enough that you can see the joy in all of the little things.  By filling your cup with the little joys when a big joy comes along it hits like an explosion.  There is a parallel here and it is on point with what Winston wrote to remember in his poem to Andrew years ago.  Someday down the road, remember to set down your heavy load and I hope you understand that the bad was good and the good with grand.

50 - Part 2

A lot of things are coming full circle as I get ready for the opening performance of mom runs amok. As I sit here waiting to go to the theatre I stopped for a few minutes to catch my breath and take a minute to absorb the full scope of the present moment.  Ironically, I pulled into the hospital parking lot as it was the closest place to sit and think.  Only 16 months ago I left this hospital not knowing what the rest of my life would look like.  16 months ago feels like a million years ago as I look backwards to the track that got me here.  

Full Circle Moments:

• 16 months ago I left the QEH barely hanging on.  Now I sit here in the same parking lot stronger than ever fully embracing the uncertainty of the road ahead, but with a newfound strength and resilience.  That's right, resilience.  Not stubbornness.  The drive to push on regardless of obstacles.
• In 1997 & 1998 I performed in Gabriel & Evangeline at the Carrefour Theatre.  Daniel was born during the run of that musical which I performed 5 nights a week for 2 summers.  25 years later, I am back on the same stage.  There is a strange comfort and familiarity about the theatre and the stage that brings me back to the time I spent here so long ago.

Show #1 is in the books and it went ok.  Small crowd, but we are hopefully building to our final performance on Saturday.

I could write for hours here on the subject, but to wrap up 50 in a nutshell so far, I am excited, optimistic and have a renewed self-confidence and sense of purpose going forward.

50 - Part I

So I thought about starting this post with a clever quote or line or nugget or wisdom, but it turns out that what works best for me, at least so far, is just being honest and vulnerable and speaking what is true from the heart.  So here are some rambling unscripted unedited thoughts as I turn 50.  I have officially been 50 now for 25 solid minutes, so I feel well-versed to speak knowledgeably on the subject :)

Meandering Thoughts

• We have zero concept of how the world really works.  Regardless of all of the books, theories, opinions and ideas humans are still throwing darts randomly trying to understand our role in the universe.
• Organized religion, even those with good intentions, have the effect of controlling the masses.  
• Any younger version of myself would be so blown away by how much I have accomplished and grown to this point. 
• Not everyone has the luxury of seeing the milestone of 50 years on this planet.  I realize how lucky  I am just to be here let alone thriving and succeeding.  I am proud and confident and optimistic about the future.
• I can't begin to wrap my head around the past few weeks of chaos as I re-enter the theatre world, but I know that it has a deeper meaning for me and continues to teach me lessons and remind me of all of the skills and experience and depth that I have and how many doors are open for me as I move forward.
• I wish I had started documenting key moments in my life earlier to be able to use them as reminders of all of the good in my life.  That is irrelevant now, but what is important to me is that I have been documenting things all of my life.  From the funny notes I used to leave mom and dad, to the letters I would send to Cheryl, to my diary from grade 12, to all of my poetry and short stories and thoughts from university ramblings, to writing songs and poetry including cheryl and andrew's songs, to keeping this blog going for the last years and even including all of my emails, texts, and work documents.  I have always been a writer at heart.  and now I have the opportunity to write in whatever format I want.  I used to get bogged down into the fact that a writer had to write a 300 page novel and it had to be good.  Writing now is random, sporatic and lawless.
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Deep Thoughts or Rambling Babble from a rusty thespian

As I approach my 6th decade, as Doug MacDonald would put it, I am struck by how little control we have over the life we lead.  We make decisions based on irrelevant criteria and then justify our actions accordingly depending on the outcome of our decisions.  In the end, we could save a lot of time and heartache by accepting that most things are going to occur or not occur regardless of our influence or interference.  Unfortunately, once you realize this is the case you are actively trying to influence the  subject and are still trying to control the situation.  This is human nature and exists in all kinds of disciplines.  The idea of being in the moment, but when you actually think about being in the moment, you step out of the moment.  Therefore you have to just exist in the moment without trying to control it.  

Let me know if you figure out how to do this on a regular basis.  I find the moments where I am best able to just relax are when I am best able to sit back and enjoy the moment while simultaneously being part of the moment.  Usually the deepest feelings here involve music, theatre, family, guitar, water, beaches, calming music.  I am then able to reflect deeper on the simple pleasures and the deep-rooted support and love that surrounds me.  

Sometimes I feel my role is that of writer or scribe now that I am both old enough to have experience, but young enough to still want to make a difference.  

I can't help but think that there is something deeper at play here with my involvement in Lorne Elliott's play.  It has reignited my creative side and reminded me how unique my skillset is in the world around me.  Perhaps I should play into that more.