It has been a while since I have posted here. I am finding it harder to reach into the liminal place that I have spent so long. I am really hoping that I can hang on longer, but I can feel the real world slipping back in.
I hope to get back to this moment some day. I realize that all lows must have highs and all highs must have lows. I hit my absolute lowest moment when Andrew died, and I have now stretched my highest high to this particular moment in my life. I have hit such a high in my self awareness, my relationship with Cheryl, my own internal value and my value to those around me. I see the beauty of watching my kids learn lessons that I failed to grasp at their age and the simplicity and inevitability of the journey both behind and ahead of me.
Along with the beauty of the highest high is the realization and awareness that it can't last. I am trying to enjoy and squeeze the truth out of the moment knowing that my high will slip into mediocre and possibly low and this could happen at any moment and could be either gradual or instantaneous.
The beauty of the high is the ephemeral knowledge that it is fleeting. Like the first flap of bird's wing or the first step of a child, it happens but once. Anything else is a faded shaded copy. The high can't last. And that is not only ok, but good, because that means the lows also can't last. The darkest image, the hurtful resentment, the words forever scarred, but with time they recede and lead us back to mediocre and maybe. hopefully. another high.
In the end, it is this high/low process that unifies us all, the constant striving to find our place and to feel peace and connected to the world around us.
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