So that is a lot of new information for me to process about myself overt the past 12 hours or so. I have spent a lot of time over the years trying to wrap my head around who I am having always felt a little uncomfortable with myself. When I am around other introverts, I feel extroverted and gain confidence and at some point feel and become extroverted. And not just a little extraverted, but, "get on a stage with professional musicians and sing and dance and act with 3 weeks notice after a 5 year hiatus and a total reshaping of my world" kind of extroverted. At which point I start hanging out with true extroverts and I begin to feel very introverted around true extraverts and get very anxious. Then, once the extraverted activity is complete, I immediately turtle and burrow and "nest" into my fortress of solitude to contemplate the journey I just took. Once I have processed this and can come back to a homeostasis or grounded place I try to maintain an equilibrium until the next bout of extraversion occurs.
I have spent so much of my life trying to maintain a consistency that was never in my nature. I struggled to try to be consistent while the very nature of the omnivert is to be in flux and flexible and adaptable. I always thought it was "human nature" that people were constantly trying to figure out whether they were introverted or extraverted. It bothered me that I could never get an accurate read on mbti tests constantly fluctuating between an E and an I. My worst thoughts on this involved me thinking that I might be a fraud to myself since I couldn't even accurately answer a simple personality test consistently. I sometimes wondered if I self-sabotaged my tests in an effort to give the proper answer rather than how I truly felt. The simple awareness of the Omnivert personality has provided me such a clear lens with which to view myself. It is like I was trying to make other lenses fit, but finally found the right lens. It is a feeling the reminds me of when I had laser eye surgery. Such a life-changing moment.
I really feel that this will help me to be easier on myself going forward. I know I have been hard on myself, but part of that stems from the fact that I never really felt part of something. So many aspects of my life are emblematic of this E/I pendulum I am on. The pendulum has always been a symbol in my life:
- Billy Joel - I go to Extremes song. Always resonated with me. Great tune for all, but always felt familiar.
- Government/Theatre worlds - Such drastically different skillsets. The ability to thrive in such unique and different worlds is not a skill many people have.
- The ability to be chameleon-like and blend in lots of situations.
- Surprising people when they don't expect it. Jess mentioned to Cheryl she didn't see me as an actor. Not surprising since we only met a few years ago and I was mainly in (I) mode since Andrew died. my (E) side had not come out much over the past few years.
- I have always resonated with the word duality when it comes to my personality and often felt like 2 different people. The guy doing research and writing government-level documents and at the same time wanting to be in the spotlight and wild and crazy and silly. Clark Kent during the day, Superman at night. Great concept, but very difficult to pull off.
- One quote that hit close to the bone said that omniverts are able to derive satisfaction from things outside of their work environment so they are able to work in jobs that may not be fulfilling as they can adapt their personalities to find fulfillment in any number of places. (For me this is music, guitar, biking, going to the gym, walking on the beach, family and friend time)
Looking forward to exploring the concept of the Omnivert to try to better figure myself out and to be a better person for myself and those around me.
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