Re-centering vs re-calibration

As we wandered around Rome today, the online maps were not always reliable as we darted through the old worn cobblestone streets.

Often the rigid electronics could not keep up with the beauty and chaos around us and the device was forced to re-center the map to get a clearer picture.  When things became really confusing and overwhelming, however, the device was forced to re-calibrate.

Such is life.  I am constantly re-centering to the world around me to feel fulfilled.  Sometimes,  however, I need a deeper dive and need to fully re-calibrate my goals and purpose to ensure I am still on a path of my own choosing and still having fun. 

Another 48 Hours

 

It is hard to believe that in 48 hours we will be on a flight to Rome.  After a year of planning, the time is here.  I don't think I have ever been this relaxed and prepared when travelling.  We are at a perfect age, financial position, health status, relationship status and headspace to fully enjoy this trip.

I really see this trip as a dividing line between who we were, who we are currently in transition, and who we have the potential to be down the road.  I am excited to share this adventure and to plan for our future with Cheryl along this journey.

I am really settling in to the idea that we can be/do whatever we want.  I don't know if I fully processed this along the way, but it is exciting to be living now in a manner that "I want to" and not that "I have to".  

I am  very lucky to be in the place that I am right now where my kids want to come home and see us and I need to remember that so many people I know don't have their kids in their lives and my kids are such a great support to me and knowing that they want to come home and are happy to be here and sharing I don't think I fully grasp how unique and how good this is at this particular moment in my life I really need this right now

One of the incorrect things that I learned from Mom is that showing vulnerability will make you seem weak, when the reverse is true.  Showing vulnerability allows people to connect to you and allows for great depth.  

Finding my groove at 50

This is another liminal point post.  As I sit here typing, we are 6 days away from our dream trip to Italy.  I am in a real sweet spot right now.  I know that my world is about to expand and I can't wait.  I am beyond excited.  

Reading back over some of the posts, this has been an amazing journey so far.  The good, the bad, the ugly.  I am just happy to be here in good health mentally and physically and in a great place with Cheryl so that we can fully embrace this part of our journey.  

I am very lucky to be in the  place that I am right now where my kids want to come home and see me and they are both now hitting their stride again after a long few years.  They are both growing on their own journeys but still take the time to check in and reach out.  

So many people that I know don't have their kids in their lives and my kids are such a great support to me and knowing that they want to come home and are happy to be here and sharing I don't think I fully grasp how unique and how good this is at this particular moment in my life.  Something I didn't know how much I needed.   

One of the incorrect things that I learned from Mom is that showing vulnerability is a sign of weakness and is a tactical error, whereas the opposite is true.  Showing vulnerability makes a person relatable and allows for stronger connections to be made.  I am not sure if Mom knew that or not, but I am not following that path.   

My relationship with Cheryl has grown exponentially over the past few years as I was forced to become vulnerable.  If I'm being honest, my own pre-conceived ideas about relationships probably caused some of the bottleneck in our relationship along the way.  But, again, if I am being honest, now that we have come through so much I don't think I know anyone with a better relationship than ours.

Everything Settles Eventually

This is a variation on an existing theme, but as I walked around the yard after Hurricane Fiona's devastation in the fall, followed by the constant weight of snow and rain, it is evident that the chaos and mess of September has settled into the past and new growth is coming up all around us.

Such is all life.  The immediacy and urgency of the moment fades way to the review mirror and is replaced with something new.  The grass settles, the sun rises, and life is anew all be it strange and mysterious.  Wounds either heal or become infected and die, love either triumphs or it does not, in the end our physical world is agnostic to our petulant vitriol.  Everything settles eventually and something else becomes new.

Another Thought Dump

• So many of our days are identical. Same patterns. Same familiarity.  Same events and these are good because we've honed them to be good  and we have gotten rid of the events that don't make us happy.  
• In the end, the things that make us unique and magical should be honed  rather than focusing on those skills which blend us into everybody else.
• In some ways it feels like my life ended and a new better life began after my stomach surgery.  Interesting story idea.
• I've been trying to figure out why I've been off all day today and I just realized I didn't have my smoothie today I didn't go to the gym today I didn't play guitar today whole routine was off and I've been eating bunch of junk food.  Pretty simple solution here.  
• This is it, fuck it, it is what it is. It is important you have all three components learned and in your heart.  It's not enough to say them one at a time.  it's not enough to say this is it; it's not enough to say fuck it; it's not enough to say it is what it is; Individually they are fine:  this is it. The ultimate Sublime message to tell your brain to be present. Fuck it the ultimate Sublime message to tell your brain to let go of expectations. And it is what it is the ultimate Sublime message to tell yourself that there's no troubling in the past as to how you got here. Together the triumvirate. This is it, fuck it, it is what it is Will Propel you through any situation; the worst problem, the most magical moment.
• If I had to pick a moment that summed up my adolescent life, it would be the Parlee Beach Meatloaf, Def Leppard Concert.
• I am fascinated sometimes by the things that I'm not good at and think I can get better at.  Bbeing an Omniverse makes me realize that I am okay or quite good at most things so I'm fascinated by things that I'm good at but think I can get better such as guitar and acting
• Who controls the algorithm on things like music?  Now that I use spotify, I notice how odd Youtube's algorithm is where it seems to direct me down the same path each time.  Even deeper though is the idea that we don't choose for ourselves.
• It is important for me to feel productive.
• It's fascinating to me that we are born into something we have no control over perhaps our intention is to be a great musician and born into a life in a world in which music has no relevance.  Something along the lines of judging a fish by its ability to climb a tree.  If a person is born in the wrong time, space or location it will drastically affect their outcome.  Is this predetermined? 

I hope you don't think we're normal :)

I should have known we were unique back in 1994 when I took a philosophy course on ethics.  The discussion focused on the division of household chores and the roles and responsibilities of raising a child.  I explained that in my house we did everything together and shared everything, if not equally, then whoever had the capacity to give more would do so with the understanding that it would be reciprocated as needed.  The professor all but snickered as he said to me aloud in front of the class, "Well, I hope you don't think you're normal".  I shrugged it off as the ideas of an antiquated academic, but, in truth, we were not normal.  

This has proven itself time and time again over the past 29 years.  Our unique set of relationship skills has been developed at a young age and stems from a place of love, purity and openness.  A lot of traits that are sorely lacking in today's colder harsher isolating world.  

By starting together, and building together and fighting together towards the common goal of a shared life together that supersedes us both, we are tighter and closer now than I could have ever imagined 29 years ago. Through highs I couldn't have imagined to gut-wrenching soul-emptying lows, we are still here.  I could use so many metaphors to describe our strength.  But I won't.  I don't have to.  We are enough.

So, yeah.... I guess we are not normal, we are fucking fantastic! 

Random Thoughts - by Tim

 

Ok, here is another collection of random thoughts that I have scribbled down over the past few weeks.

• I am so enjoying reading the book Einstein's Dreams by Alan Lightman.  Cheryl introduced me to it and it so reflects the style of writing that I try to obtain.  It is clear, articulate.  Word choice is simple and deliberate.  I am hoping to write something in a similar style at somepoint.  
• The ignorant will not get me but the wise will understand. 
• A barber pole gives the illusion that stripes are going up or down when in reality stripes are going nowhere they're just same place such is our lives we don't our past and our future are irrelevant to this current moment that we seem like we're in flux 
• Characters in books and people in general seem to look at the world with two options that they have an option A or option B, while the real world and the audience looking in realizes there's a multitude of options, but it is much less interesting to write a story that way.
• I have a theory that omniverts tend to lean towards imposter syndrome.  As I navigate between two polar opposites of my personality, there are lots of times in my life where I feel like an imposter.  (A literate theatre geek on stage with professionals.  A literate well spoken hard worker in a room full of die-hard bureaucrats.).  This is not a flaw, but a natural response to having spent less time on a craft or project than their peers.  The beauty, however, is that they can navigate from project to craft to adventure seamlessly living in multiple worlds.
• We are not always ready to see when opportunities present themselves in front of us.  The important thing is we are right where we need to be now.

HomeWork

 This short post might not mean anything to anyone else but me, but, although it has been fantastic working from home and I love every aspect of my home office, in particular the control I have over my own environment, mental health and itinerary, there is something refreshing and nostalgic about driving down to the office.  The patterned driving path almost that could be driven by rote, the same people doing the same chores at the same time every day, the comforting familiarity of the downtown Charlottetown core as it wakes up to a new day, fog lifting, arms stretching.  The kathumped pattern of footsteps confident in their placement en route to get shit done.  

The reminder that for 20+ years this is was my world.  I knew it.  I breathed it.  I felt it.  And it is strangely like returning to a nest and a place of comfort as I attack the day from this familiar comfortable vantage point.