2023 ~So long and thanks for all the fish!

2023 will end in 22 hours.  What a ride.  I can't imagine the next 22 hours will shed much additional light on this extraordinary year, but stranger things have happened, so I guess we will see. 

Barring anything catastrophic, 2023 was undoubtedly best year of my life.  While other years had their large wins or large losses, 2023 was a consistent fantastic year from start to finish.  Things started to turn for me on September 14th, 2022 when Hurricane Fiona hit.  It was both literally and figuratively a wind of change to shake things up.  

From a literal perspective, the hedge between our house and the neighbours was virtually destroyed leaving our house visible from all sides and mounts of tree damage and debris everywhere.  Our power was out for over 10 days and it took Cheryl and I a while to realize the extent of the damage and the world around us.  Once the shock wore off, we got busy fixing things and making a plan.  

From a figurative perspective, all of the work that went into rebuilding and re-planning our home was a reminder to me of the man that I am and the things that have shaped me over the years.  I am strong, I have been through a lot, and I have a fantastic skillset that has been pushed to its limit over the years and has not broken.  As I rebuilt my home, I rebuilt myself. Self Respect.

As we rebuilt our home, we planned for our dream trip of a liftetime to Italy in April.  We absolutely did not know that our lives were already on a new trajectory.  

As an aside to this epic year, I also acted in Lorne Elliot's play, Mom's Run Amok, which consumed my time for most of January and February, but that is just a blip in this year which I have already covered in depth, but is nonetheless still impressive on top of everything else.

Before we got to Italy, UPEI faculty went on strike and it helped Cheryl to realize how far she had drifted from her original plans and goals.  As new allegations and realizations about the university, Cheryl's role and the toll it was taking on her became apparent. 

Ahh, Italy.  I cannot say enough about what a life-changing experience this was for us.  Slow living, minimalism, communication, contentment, happiness, self-actualization, evolving, leveling up.  These became the new terms or our language.  

With our new goals established, much like our re-connect or disconnect motto from a previous version of us, we emerged with a new sense of life and purpose.  

This was perfectly timed, with my pre-retirement course, which made it became apparent to us that with some minor tweaks and lifestyle adjustments, Cheryl did not have to continue with the extreme stress of her lab tech job and we could slow down and live more simply and more fully.

On July 1 we hosted our last Canada Day party after 25 successful events, and on July 8th Cheryl worked her last day as a lab tech at UPEI and has never looked back. 

By using a lot of built up vacation, I took a lot of time off this summer and Cheryl and I used our e-bikes a lot.  I put on over 500km including a 4 hour trek from home to brackley, dalvay, tracadie.  

We discovered and re-discovered the Mysa spa which is great to bring both Cheryl and I back into alignment with ourselves and with each other.

I am learning that my job has prepared me well for the real world and it has become easier now that I have been doing it for so long.  This takes the pressure off and allows me to work more effectively.  Also, working from home and in my own environment has been a game-changer for me. 

I have been very creative this year, but have become more aware of what I post online. One of the best things I have done is to remove facebook from my phone and to limit viewing of social media.  I can not speak to anyone else, but I was finding myself more and more absorbed into other people's lives than I ever wanted to be.  Maybe  it is a good forum for others, but for me it was just a constant barrage of irrelevant information thrown at me randomly. 

I am learning that I need to be more discriminate about the media I consume, especially as I see that others are becoming less discerning.  How is that for an arrogant sentence?  lol.  But seriously, youtube  is filled with compilations of randomly put together video clips with confusing inarticulate lists of items that may or may not be accurate and yet we consume them with gusto.  Gusto.  Now there is another arrogant term.

But I digress.  Back to the fantastic year that was 2023.  I am learning that everything settles.  The good, the bad, the ugly, the messy.   All of it.  It will pass.  I don't care how bad you think it is.  It will pass.  Whatever you are going through.  It will pass.  If it didn't, there would be no reason to go on and yet we all still do.  Unfortunately, so does the good.  But that is a story for another day.  You get the picture.  Plausible deniability and all.

I am learning to write again.  I forgot how good it is to write.  A brief history of my writing while I am in the zone: 

• Superlapin - grade 1 published French story about a superhero rabbit
• Pinnocchio - Played the policeman and discovered my love of comedy and theatre
• Writing comedy skits with Steve Nicol and recording them on cassette.  pranks, jokes, etc.
• Concour D'art oratoire - public speaking was my jam.  this was when I realized I had skills.  doing better than the smartest kids at something.  Going to provincials..
• Creative writing in junior high and high school.  Poetry, Drama.
• Writing a journal for most of my grade 12 year.  Fun to revisit this from time to time to remember where I came from.
• UPEI - All writing, all of the time.  I wish I could write like that now.  I miss having things to write about and people who want to read my stuff and people commenting and discussing writing.  Shakespeare, Chaucer, Canterbury Tales, Olde English, Deconstructionism, Tennessee Williams, Childrens Literature, creative writing.
• Developing resumes and cover letters for people professionally and teaching motivational courses through the Freshstart and Employment Enhancement programs.
• Government Briefing Notes.  Clarifying grammatical rules and learning to write effectively.
• Writing various songs.  Cheryl's song, Andrew's song, Vicki's song and various others over the years.  Currently working on one I am proud of called Time Bomb (Am, F, G)
• Writing in this blog since 2010. 

I remember mom writing in her journal over the years and I see now that was probably a way to get thoughts and ideas out of her head in a method of clarification.  I am just guessing.  Mom never really shared like that, but I see parts of her in me, so I am surmising that she was trying to figure herself out.  I guess I am trying to do the same thing, but with better writing skills and technology and a bit more patience, and tolerance.  I also have Cheryl by my side which is something Mom did not have.

I finally sat down with Cheryl to watch all of the Hobbit and Lord of the Rings Movies and a small insignificant quote stood out for me.  "I fear neither death, nor pain!" We joked about it being a good response to the old "How are you doing?" line.  It was funny this evening, not sure if it will age well in the future.

Here is to a solid 2024.  It looks pretty freaking fantastic, too, but I will save that for another post.  

Carpe Diem!

Building a melody

 I am really enjoying using Vicki's keyboard with my electric guitar.  The drum beats and styles help keep me on beat and I am learning more about tempos and styles as well as developing my own. What I am enjoying right now is just building a groove.  Starting with a beat or a guitar pattern and building and building to see where it goes.  Sometimes it sounds pretty nice.  

Jung Tim

I have been writing a lot lately.  Not just here, but everywhere.  Notes, scrapes of paper, songs, poems, essays, short stories, thoughts, blurbs, ideas for novels, philosophical ideas, sociological and psychological ideas.  I have been re-discovering Carl Jung who I remember connecting with so vividly in University.  I remember taking the psychology of growth with Vicki Johnston and just loving the class.  It seemed effortless and intuitive and I was able to see several steps ahead of the process.  I aced the class and used much of that as my basis of knowledge over the past 30 years.  It has held up surprisingly well as something to hold my hat on as I moved away from religious and political rhetoric and focus on my own reality and knowledge quest.  It is great to re-connect with Jung's ideas as they seemed to flow nicely through to Allan Watts ideas on acceptance.  

Here are a few random thoughts percolating at this moment:

• If you're happy and you don't know it there's something wrong.  Why don't you know it?  What can't you see?  What are you hoping for beyond the present?
• There's nothing more reprehensible than the ambition to become a saint.  If you have to look for it, you're doing it wrong.
• As I start to slow down and accept me for who I am, it is comforting to see others around me at this stage of life starting to figure it out.  As usual, Cheryl and I are ahead of the curve. 
• We must be willing to throw away the life we've planned to make room for the life we get.  We don't want to do this, but our desires have nothing to do with the reality of the situation.
• Real deep humor is laughing TO oneself ABOUT oneself.
• Great Seth Myers story about his mom who was a big drinker and used to carry around little drink umbrellas with her to randomly put in people's drinks she found to be too wussy.
• We need a hard road not a smooth one to prepare us for life. Like how going to the gym prepares you to do hard work.  Traveling down a hard Road gives you the strength and resilience when you need it which is inevitable in the world in which we live.
• It is good to remember that patterns and cycles are important but sometimes patterns looking backwards do not always carry forward in the same direction or the same frequency
• Acknowledging the artificiality of a moment helps us to see the real moments.  This is why I don't like playing into the fakery of insincere moments as it cheapens the real moments when they occur.
• Theatre teaches us not to be afraid of people. There is an intensity and fleeting element to theatre relationships
• We are often told to use our main skills on our path through life, but there is so much to each of us that we often never used the plethora of tools in our skill arsenal.  If you are a painter you paint, an actor acts, a singer sings.  But what about everything else within that person?  Does that all sit there stagnant and unused?  This is where I see the potential of AI.  Maybe by tapping into all of these unused skills and making them accessible to all, we might be able to add our own flavours to the mix and level our entire species up a notch.  That sounds big and crazy, but that is how change happens.  Through crazy ideas.  
• Years of watching stand up and sketch comedy have made me cynical and hilarious and dark.  Which makes the hosts of the strike force five podcast (Stephen Colbert, Seth Myers, John Oliver, Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon) all kind of like versions of me. I can relate to all of them in some way.

Politicians, Preachers and Prosecutors

• I am rebuilding some of the building blocks of who I am and putting them back together in a different order with a few pieces gone and a few new pieces added.
• We are constantly recreating our narrative adapting as new data becomes available and adjusting accordingly.
• It is simple to think about now when I look back but as we create our own future we are constantly battling with our own mental self doubt and we will get to the level that we believe we should be at.
• Midlife malaise.  I heard this term the other day and liked it.  It sounds gentler than midlife crisis.  Because it really isn't a crisis.  It is just an awareness that you do not need to prove yourself any more and that you know enough to not be worried if others do not feel the same. 
• At 50, I am only now beginning to start to understand the way MY brain works.  I have listened to all of the "generic" theories, but have realized that I think differently.  Instead of navigating to the generic solution, I like to tailor mine to my needs and abilities.
• Chat GPT idea drawing. Two boxes. One how I used to view life as if going through a maze and two life as if going through solid block concrete some people go in alone some people in groups all heading into a blank unknown. 
• An interesting probably unpopular take on software like ChatGPT.  If a person can paint well and no one else can, their ability can now be shared with the world to build on enhance.  Rather than one person hoarding the ability, the entire world can share and use it.  If we all put our skills into the same pot and we can all draw from them as needed, would that not enhance the overall skillset of everyone in the world and level the playing field so that we can collaborate and communicate easier.
• A deepening of the harmonic bond - Greg Keelor talking about singing with someone for many years.
• My life right now seems to have taken on a different landscape. Almost dimensionally different. It feels like I have finally found myself.  at 50.
• Accidental and incidental things become part of the fabric of our journey
• Me and Jason. At the heart of it we're just two (too) young adolescents. I hope we never forget that.
• The older I get, the more I realize I need to be older still to understand better.
• When stuck ask yourself, do you want to be comfortable or do you want to grow?  Generally people want to grow.
• For most of our lives we are either politicians preachers or prosecutors when we talk to people.  Preaching about what they need to do right, prosecuting for what they did wrong, and politicians who are trying to garner favor.
• As we get older nuances in friendships and relationships become more important as does humility. 

Macro/Micro, Zen Logic & Stretching

Macro/Micro

I am zoning in the micro level of many things.  Micro-wins, micro-losses.  Every little win or loss needs to be counted.  While I used to ONLY focus on macro level things like parties, events, concerts, trips etc., I NOW focus on micro level things like feeling good leaving the gym, walking on a beach, biking in the fresh air, hearing good news.  The macro events still happen and are counted, but by focusing on the micro level, it takes the pressure of the macro level stuff to be perfect.   Enough micro wins can legitimately affect a state of mind, or conversely micros losses can make you feel depressed. 

Zen Logic

My two sides meet like yin and yang.  The relaxed state of a philosopher who knows that knowing is all well and good, but strives for meaning and and answers.  My practicality can be militaristic and severe which often makes me question what the point of being practical is if it means I save myself the stress of living by smoothing the path.

Stretching

When I stretch my mind beyond where it is used to, it becomes spring-like.  The big thoughts that I had before do not seem so big now.  Just like stretching my body, it is good to stretch my brain.  Stretching the boundaries slightly in all directions, ensures that the mind does not close in on itself and become like a stale balloon.  Instead it remains full of air and life and meaning.

Ramble

Sometimes writing is like hedging my bets I don't think I have anything particularly noteworthy or brilliant to say but I try and write down a lot of the smarter things that I do say just in case I need to revisit this or if there are future people might be interested in how I thought along my journey

I have been thinking a lot lately in computer terms and metaphors one in particular right now is the changing of primary to secondary importance and priority from my work life to my personal life

As I walk through Home Depot a cashier me through the self checkout. I could easily have gone through myself which was the purpose of the machine but instead she rang me through which makes me wonder about and the satisfaction they get from them. Is this what she wants to be doing every day when a machine next to her can do the same thing.  That must be very dehumanizing.

I also purchased my prescriptions from Murphy's Pharmacy and waited in line behind a woman who had to pay several bills with several different account numbers in cash and it was a really slow process this is stuff that I take for granted and just takes me 2 seconds while this woman a 15 minutes.

If I can learn to accept the uncomfortable it makes the comfortable all that much better

"We need to narrow the gap between our rhetoric and our reality." ~ Michael Ignatieff 

Sam Adams that says something along the lines of nothing changes a man's ability to negotiate more than knowing he's being hanged in the morning.

Hope versus optimism.  We need to look to the Past to when they thought things were insurmountable and they had hope up today hope even though it seems implausible even though things don't make sense

 

Wakes and Cancer and Death, Oh my

 This one is gonna be a a long rambling piece as I do not have the energy to edit or streamline my thoughts coherently.  This will be an exercise in free writing on a theme.  The theme is a weekend full of death and death-adjacent stuff.

We spent Friday night driving to Morell to go to Wade Czank's mom's wake.  It was cold and dark and wet, but Cheryl felt we should go.  When we walked into the small funeral home, a group of people were mid-rosary in a cult-like chanting zone.  Just a little bit triggering for me.  Cheryl motions for me to sit down which I do and listen to the incessant drone of fruit among women drilling into the recesses of my mind and stirring up ancient memories of previous incantations.  Not knowing how far into the droning we were, I found my happiness and luckily the droning was short-lived.  We then waited at the front of the funeral parlour where Melody loudly explained to us about the 91st anniversary of their store which seemed particularly loud and unnecessary in a small venue. 

Saturday we went to visit Barb Tait at Dad's and I failed to remember that my visits with Dale and Barb have been separate from Dad's for a long time now and how I interacted with Dale and Barb is not how dad and Joyce do.  It was great to see Barb and we have made plans to visit her again in Moncton before Christmas.

Sunday we went to visit Kilby at her request.  Her Ovarian Cancer has returned a 3rd time and this time it is inoperable and aggressive.  We opened up a dialog, but it has been so long since we connected I am unsure how to proceed here.  She seems to have a good support system in place, so I think my best course of action is just to see what she reaches out with.  

A couple of other death-related topics this weekend.  Richard Michaud's parents died within 48 hours of each other.  Sherri Quinn's father died at his 75th birthday party just after the party was over.  This seems like a good way to go.  Surrounded by family and everyone happy and together.  Also of note, I listened to the story of Jane Little, an orchestral conductor who died conducting her final orchestra doing what she loved.

Lots of data there - What is the output?  Live, Love, laugh, be happy, don't be a dick, life is short, it never goes the way you plan, do what you gotta do, let your freak flag fly, carpe diem, yolo, if it isn't working drop it, don't waste time you don''t have, but at the same time slow down and enjoy the things that are important to you.  Don't race to jump onto other people's journeys.  Your own will arrive.  When you allow yourself to see it.  Don't get bogged down in work, but work hard and dilligently when you do.  Measure twice, cut once.  Better yet, measure 10 times, cut once.  No one says the second measurement is a guarantee.  Take risks, but take calculated risks.  Know your rough chances before you take the leap, but sometimes take the leap anyway regardless of the chances.

Steering dangerously close to the sunscreen song now, so that's my cue to stop typing.

Tim - When you re-read this later in life.  Don't forget that music is the key.  Whenever you are feeling down.  Music:  Play it, listen to it, groove to it, dance to it, feel it.  Deep down, the beat of the music speaks directly into my soul and has brought me back from so many dark places.  Start with a little Stevie Wonder - Superstition and feel the groove from there.

Sober Second Thought

It has been a while since I posted here.  I have been writing a lot lately, but focusing more on journaling, and shorter pieces rather than posting here.

It has been a busy couple of weeks as I had to delve deeper into work than I normally do which mean I was a bit more work-focused and thus less creative and relaxed.  It was only temporary and I am back today.  

Cheryl and I have developed a really good groove where we try to maintain as much consistency and balance between the two of us, which allows us more ability to focus on how best to handle the outside world.  It is a learning curve, as has been everything in our lives, as we are moving against the grain from our typical learned behaviour developed over 30 years.  Overall, it has been fantastic.  I find we very rarely argue, even though we invariably come at things from very different perspectives.  And, of late, the only things that get either of us riled up involves the outside world.  

On a more esoteric level, I feel better connected at work as I spent a lot of time over the last couple of weeks attending economic events and networking.  I feel plugged in and in-tune with the world around me which tracks for me cyclically.  November is typically my time at work to set the groundwork for all of the documents that will be required for the coming year.  That happens here after the summer break and once new economic outlooks are set up.  I now recognize the cyclical patterns in my work environment and can plan farther ahead to keep my stress level low.  

I am also working on taking an extra beat before everything.  Before replying.  Before hitting send.  Before cutting someone off.  This sober second thought takes very little time, offers unlimited "ass-saving" potential and has already helped me out significantly.  If you listen carefully people tell you exactly what they need even if THEY don't know it.  Listening to a person's word choice, vibe, demeanor and allowing THEM extra time to either clarify, think further, or dig further in.  Either way, it is more intel available for me.  And more often than not, this information, as it has been purged from the depths is often VERY revealing.  This can allow you to help, or at the very least understand the point that they were TRYING to get to as it is THAT particular place they chose to stop. Much like a balloon that runs out of air, that is the moment to take a beat and think carefully about the words and direction to choose next.  

Most people do not do this.  This is a competitive edge.  This is one of the things that separates how I think from many of the people around me.  I think like this, and I have the ability to articulate my thoughts into rational, logical explanations.

Friendship

I had to let a friend go.  They did not die.  We did not just fizzle out.  The friendship had not just run its course.  I had to make a deliberate decision to actively not associate with that person again.  I have never had to do that before.  It felt kind of like a break-up.  Which is also something that I have not done before.  It was, and is still, very difficult.  

I have always tried to get along with everyone.  I generally try to bend my ideas into a way that accepts other people's narratives.  This is healthy.  Generally.  But it also needs to be tempered with a measure of limitation.  I can't bend to everyone.  At 50, this was the first time that I could not bend enough to adequately include a friend in my world.  At first this felt sad, but it is very freeing.  By bending towards only select people, I can dismiss some of the noise and chaos that does not resonate with the peaceful world I am trying to foster. 

Friendships at 50 for me are very different to previous friendships that I have fostered.  I have a depth and a confidence in me that forces me to question things.  I used to try to hide this using alcohol to dull the monotony and chaos around me.  Now that I don't do that, I need more depth from my friendships, not more friends.  I am open to meeting new people, but they will have to clear different hurdles than other friends.

On a side note, I am realizing that the parent-child relationship is not based on the strict morality of right and wrong as it is with most adult relationships.  Instead, it is predicated on a complex set of factors that is not apparent to either party. 

Forget Me Not

Part of the beauty, frustration and cruelty of life is that we repeatedly forget.  

Our lives are short, but our memories are shorter.  And we forget. 

We remember briefly and swear we will not forget.

Then we forget. 

Where was I going with this, you ask?  I forget.

I just hope I remember again.  And for longer.

The Second Task

Watching the TV show taskmaster, one of my favourite moments is when contestants work very hard to accomplish a task only to be handed the dreaded second task.  This implies that all of the work they did in the first portion of the task will affect how they will be required to attack the second portion.  

Such has been my life and, I believe, the lives of most people.  We spend our lives in the direction of a goal/purpose/motivation and when we finally think we are making good solid progress on that track, it turns out that there is more to it than expected. 

At first, this seems unfair.  A bargain etched in bad faith.  But the truth is much simpler.  This second task, and who really knows how many tasks you will get handed, offers you a glimpse at the elusive second chance.  That rare opportunity to re-visit and check on your progress.  To modify and adapt and be smarter, wiser, cleaner, simpler.  Quite simply; Better.  

I am enjoying my second task and am learning that is enough.  

You evoke light out of the universe

 "You evoke light out of the universe."  ~Alan Watts

Without eyes the sun would not be bright, without ears is like strumming a stringless guitar.  

Whatever meaning and reason we pull from the universe; it is only through the filter of our own construct that it has any resonance.

Real Time Flow

Trying a new tactic here.  I have 20 minutes before my work call, so I am writing my thoughts in real time as they occur.  I keep remembering how important writing and language is to me.  Sometimes I don't fully understand the thoughts in my head until I flush them out verbally or by hand.  Sometimes my thoughts change mid-sentence as new information occurs to me that needs to be factored into my process.  Generally this process is like an off-gassing or a de-pressurization.  Or like a hose that is wild and unwieldy when you first turn it on until it settles into a proper flow. 

By allowing these thoughts and words to escape, I can process them in the tangible world where, if they stand the filter test, they might just end up part of my narrative.

Be Awesome

I have been feeling a little bit off lately.  Not sure why. I have no earthly reason to be off.  My life is going very well.  In the end, I think it just boils down to settling into new routines with Cheryl and I as we enter the next chapter of our life and re-discover both who we are and who we want to be. 

That aside, what I learned over the past few days is that I have neglecting the first rule of being awesome.  Which is, in fact, to be awesome.  I hold myself to a high standard and I know that I can handle whatever is thrown at me.  I have proven that time and time again, under unimaginable duress.  

I have also neglected to re-read my various writings and music which were specifically designed to help me when I am feeling low.  

Re-reading the writings is like remembering who I am and what I stand for.  My compass.  

Always remember to not feel guilty for feeling guilty.  You are on a journey and it will have highs and lows which is what reminds us of the ebb and flow of life and it is all ok.

Dissertation on Dissipation

Sometimes I just need to write.  Write.  Write.  Write like it is the only thing I know how to do.  As if it is the only means that I have to communicate.  Without my words I have nothing.  Sometimes it doesn’t matter how they come out.  From a full-blown comprehensive analytical essay, to a particularly clever word choice which has limited resonance outside of my own narrow thought patterns.

Either way, the writing is essential.  It is like an off-gassing.  A pressure-release.  That moment when you remove the cover from a pot of boiling water and the steam is allowed to escape giving the water permission to boil freely.

As I write, I can feel the pressure releasing from my body starting in my lungs and chest and into my stomach slowly allowing me to breathe deeper into my core and allowing the oxygen to sink deeper into my soul.  I start to notice how tight my jawline is and the slight feeling of pressure in my head starts to dissipate just a bit.  I can focus on my surroundings again.  The sun singing my skin, the thrum of crickets the pleasant shade of rust-color on the leaves of maple tree as it perches precariously.

More Thoughts

• We have two lives and the second one begins when you realize we have only one.
• I find it slightly off-putting when people use the term "I will do this until the day I die".  It seems an excessive and harsh way to make a point.
• Some music brings me right back to my bedroom in the basement on Osborne Street with my old waterbed, listening to my ghetto blaster and reading Stephen King books.  There was at time when I was 15ish that I read Christine, Carrie, Cujo, Firestarter, Dead Zone all in the span of a couple of weeks while listening to Roxette's Joyride and a few other casettes including "In your Eyes".  Somehow this odd combination of things has solidified in my brain as almost a short movie.
• It is difficult to understand change while you are in the midst of it.  It takes time and distance from a situation to look back and see how it fits into a larger world.  Sometimes we are just focusing on a small piece of a large puzzle which only becomes clear to us as we age.  Everything levels out in the end.   

Night Thoughts

• Grief eventually turns to love
• If love is everything, then love is pain
• Don't aim for happiness in the workplace aim for happier-ness
• Music often succeeds where everything else fails to relax and calm me and is able to permeate my soul
• If by 50 years old you haven't found the right lane yet, perhaps it is time to make your own lane.

These are the thoughts that I have compiled recently.  I am pushing myself to post here as it is late and I am tired. It is so important for my mental health to empty thoughts out of my head by posting them here.  I see it as a pattern now as Mom used to do this as well.  I find it such a calming way to destress and remove the pressure.  Almost like deflating a balloon a bit that was overfilled. 

Just writing whatever comes into my head without editing to keep the flow going.  I have been thinking a lot about the McArdle side of my family lately and how Nancy is my main link to that side of the family.  so much of the McArdle world is still shrouded in mystery to me.  I am looking forward to seeing Nancy in a couple of weeks when I go to Moncton to talk a bit about it.  We always glossed over our ancestry.  I wish I had asked more questions of Nanny.  There were rumours of us being distantly related to Ann Bolyn and another tale of a long forgotten castle from a distant relative.  This might have also been Nanny's side of the family, the Seymour's.  

It was always alluded to that the McArdle clan were stubborn which is evidenced by all of the siblings - Bev, Brenda, John, Rob, Steve, Nancy (Not sure if that is the correct order) and their feuds over the years.  Losing my grandfather Jack McArdle must have been hard on them all as he died in the late 70s (77  maybe?).  Nanny never re-maried nor dated anyone else as far as I knew even thought she lived until 2015 a full 38 years longer.  That seems strange to me, but maybe that was the norm in the 70s.  

I still often wonder how Mom and Dad ever got together as they seem to come from drastically different worlds.  I know they were in a bowling league, but the stories I hear of mom from that time are wilder and crazier like riding a motorcycle through Moncton and hanging with Dale Tait and friends.  While Dad's stories are different and focus on a couple of key friends that he doesn't talk much about.  His buddy Carl Fowler was a close friend that he reconnected with later in life, but I don't know much about his childhood.  I get the sense that Dad deliberately didn't talk about his childhood for a long time and still doesn't like talking about parts of it.  

Information Dump

Here are some random thoughts I have collected over the past couple of weeks:

• In the end, for me it not about following all of the rules, but more importantly learning who I am and being happy and aware of the choices I have made in my life.  Nobody is perfect and U need to treat myself with the same respect that I give everyone else.  Just continue to try to be a better person.
• I tend to overthink these days but in this age most men are taught to overthink to look over there lives to be sure that all of the decisions they made in the past adhered to the new enlightened rules of the present. Guys are very nervous that any of the previous actions, even thought they were decent guys, might come back to haunt them in an age where the rules now change so quickly.  As a result, I have been trained to think before I speak which then give the appearance that I am overthinking every detail.  I am hopeful for a time when we are able to move past this.
• One of the biggest problems in the world is that people think that they're the only one going through something and most of the time they're not but we are so reluctant to share our experiences because It embarrasses us so that we hold on to them
• Some of the best things that I've done in my life have been inadvertent
• "At 69 I was 17" - Jackson Browne
• "If love is everything, then love is pain" - East Pointers, Wintergreen
• Calling movies, TV, media, and news CONTENT  can have the effect of diminishing the value of information on its own.  It is now part of an endless streaming circuit as opposed to a specific show/movie/news with a particular message.  Starting to sound like Marshall MacLuhan here, but the medium is the message.  People don't just watch a show.  They turn on content.
• Try whenever talking to use "I' instead of "you" to really understand the message being conveyed.  It is not only less antagonistic, but it gives the speaker a truer sense of how the message is being received.
• Great title for a book/article - The art of the pivot. Changing your life to feed your soul.
• I might be a walking stereotype now but it is much better than many of the previous stereotypes i have been.
• As our society gets older and people start dying with corporate family knowledge those with a fulsome picture of the puzzle become an essential link to the past.  
• I am able to work nimbly as I understand how to move from thing to thing without getting caught in the rabbit holes 
• Song lyric - Its like you're turned off baby and I can't seem to turn you on.
• A life of leisure is considered a luxury, but I submit that most of us deep down strive for it.  It comes down to when you feel the need to step back and see it. 
• We have created a generation with all of the benefits that we did not have as kids and expect them to be as grateful as we would have been had someone done this for us.  The circle keeps going round in that they don't understand how hard we worked to get to this point.  And on the flip side, the next generation beyond this one, will probably be quite pragmatic as they will have been raised by a very entitled generation.  
• We have much more longer and deeper meaningful conversations with our kids than I ever did with my parents.   

ReplyForward

ReplyForward

That Kind of September

I am fascinated by charts, graphs, comparisons, statistics and numbers in general.  I always have been.  When I used to run, I would break down my times by km, splits, and PR.  As I look at the stats to the right of the page, I see the spike in posts over the last couple of years and I can feel my inspiration dwindling. on documenting things here. I hope that all of these posts will serve as some guide for myself down the road as to what is important to me.  

I knew this time would come.  My liminal point is ending and I am entering the next phase of my journey.  I am milking it and trying to write and be creative and figure out as much as I can about my journey and the journey of those around me before I sink back into my next patterns.  

This last chunk of my life has been both the most gut-wrenching but at the same time life-changing and beautiful. I have stretched myself in ways I never knew that I could, I have readjusted my lifestyle to better suit my personality and my needs going forward, I have connected with Cheryl in more deep and meaningful ways than I ever dreamed were possible, 

It took a long time, but I am settling into the man I want to be, in the relationship I want to have, living the life we built together.

Tough pill to swallow

It has been almost 10 years since mom died.  I miss her more now and for different reasons than I ever thought I would.

As the world becomes more chaotic, I long for mom's practical, no-nonsense often unnecessarily crass and sometimes narrow-minded viewpoint that she would unabashedly share at no one's request.  

I used to be embarassed by some.of that banter, but, but looking back, I see that a lot of it was honest, truthful and coming from a place of love and respect.  She just didn't know how to tone down the aggressive blunt meter.

What I wouldn't give to have her ask me "how can you be so stupid?"  One more time.  I didn't know it then, but this type of clarity and honesty was a gift to me.    Not many people in this world tell you what you need to hear.

Do not question the process, appreciate the results

Do not question the process, appreciate the results.

I am not sure where this mantra originated.  Whether it was my own concoction or some variation on a theme by Alan Watts, it seems to be resonating both within myself as well as in the responses of others when I explain my current headspace.  

There can be a lot to unpack in a few short words, but what it means to me is that everyone has walked a journey of highs and lows to get to this particular moment in time.  The very fact that you are here right now in this moment is enough.  Pause.  Reflect.  Think about the strange and confusing process that got you to this point in your life.  Then let it go.  Accept that through some good decisions, bad decisions and factors that you had no control over, you are here in this immediate.  What happens from this instant is open to possibilities.  Nothing is etched in stone.

• Most of the time people are so absorbed in their own worlds they don't pay attention to anyone but themselves and even if they do pay attention most people are not as deeply invested in your problems as they have their own internal issues to deal with.
• I imagine that if someone would ask Alan Watts about his life he would be pretty pleased with the outcome it might not have adhered to typical standards but I bet you it met or exceeded his own personal expectations based on his own internal standards.
• I have spent a lot of time focusing on others over the last 30 years and for this next chunk of my life I need to focus on me.  Not necessarily things that I am good at, but things that make me happy and cause minimal stress.  
• Having a person you can trust implicitly when the world seems confusing and deceitful is a luxury that not all people have. 

From personal experience, the less that I focus on the specifics of where I want to get to, but instead just float generally in a direction that feels right, the more things naturally work in my favour.  Following instinct, and the natural ebb and flow of both my mental and physical health allows me to groove with the vibe that is needed.  When things happen organically there is a more natural feel and flow as opposed to someone trying to force an idea into acceptance.  

Humanity Enabler & Irreducible Rascality

• As I watch debt consultants on TV discuss financial planning and increasing interest rates, I remember being comforted by this in my youth thinking that at least everyone was in the same boat as me in debt and being backed into a corner.  Now that I am older, I remain comforted by these advertisements as I know that now I will no longer need to worry about these issues and it reminds me of the work we have done to get this far.  Not just the work itself, but the volume of work.  30 years worth of doing anything gets you better at it than someone who has only been doing it a short time.  It is comforting to remember that Cheryl and I not only have chemistry, relative financial independence, we have 30 years of experience together.  The cumulative and in-depth experience we have shared together occurs rarely in today's modern fast-paced world.  Put another way - 30 years of doing anything gets you good at it.  Multiply that by working collaboratively with a partner that you trust implicitly and the possibilities are endless.  
• Some of the biggest realizations and a-ha moments of my life started out with an immediate, total, and resounding denial of the reality of the situation.  While it takes me a long time to work through the process.  Sometimes years or a lifetime,  It is always a surprise when I end up flipping an internal switch that I believed would always be on to off.  Turning a No to a Yes.  Moving from a viewpoint that seemed immovable and yet finding a way to navigate through to the other side.  I have spoken of this before here, but this concept fascinates me.  I would like to become more aware of these moments so that I can play into them and understand them better.  What is the rationale for an immediate and assertive/aggressive reaction.  That should be a trigger warning for me.  Why am I so definite?  This is probably an indication of something more than it appears.
• Simplistically, I define myself as a rule-bender.  I try not to break them, but sometimes they make no sense, sometimes there is a better option, sometimes rules were made to be broken.  I always like the line from Great Big Sea, Consequence Free that says "a little bit of anarchy, but not the hurtin' kind".  I often feel that way about myself.  More recently, I read an Alan Watts description of "the element of irreducible rascality which is part of us and a part of the universe."  I really like how he describes seeing a glint of this in people's eyes when he sees them on the street.  I call them "my people".  I see them out and about on trips, in the stores, on the beach, in traffic.  They are everywhere.  People with a little glint in their eye.  A wink and a nod to the world around them and our place in it.  My people.  
• In essence, for a long time, while I considered myself a rule-bender, I now see myself as humanity-enabler.  Not only more accurate, this label has more positive connotations.

Consequence Free

Irreducible Rascality

Summer Update

 Well, the year of 2023 continues to kick years 2019-2022 in the ass.  As if this year has not already been transitional, life-changing and relationship-affirming.  We are nearing the end of the Summer of Cheryl, and what a summer it has been.  Here are a few highlights so far. 

• Our last Canada Day party was a success.  We had a great turnout of friends and family and a washer toss tournament that saw Jack & Taylor defeat Erin & Sam in the finals.  Lots of good memories and great friends.  It was like a chapter closing in our life.  It was great to host when the kids were young and helped cultivate our group of friends, but the time for us to be at the helm is done. We will see what happens in the future, but it is great to have Canada Day open to travel or make plans without hosting.
• We made it to Parlee Beach.  Years of nostalgia came flooding back to me here.  Years of staying at Barb Goguen's cottage growing up, to Dale & Barb's cottage, Bub & Gerry's cottage, all of the family gatherings we had there when I was a kid.  And finally, to our own family excursion there with Mark & Cathy and their family.  Sean & Kat Nason had a place right on the water and we walked to the beach, played some guitar, had some fantastic food and basically remembered where we came from.  
• I could spend a long time delving into hanging with Sean Nason & Greg Pineo again, but I will keep it short.  As always, these two gentlemen have been with us at our highs and lows over the years with both of them stepping in when Andrew was born, and stepping in once again when he died.  Hanging with these guys reminds me of where I came from and how lucky I am.  Sociable, gents!
• Chris & Aislinn spent a week with us here.  I was never worried, but I know that our lifestyles are very different, so I didn't know how we would all mesh.  It worked out great.  Chris and I had great discussions on the deck in the morning and we balanced our time together and apart very well.  As I watch Wayne, and Dad and Pommie get older, I am hopeful that Chris, Jackie and I will continue to foster  a relationship like this.
• Dad's 75 birthday was a success.  Joyce planned the event at their house and family and a few friends stopped by.  The Wartman Clan headed to Panmure Island and CLamdiggers the next day for a family celebration as well.
• Chris & Aislinn treated Cheryl & I to see "The play that goes wrong" at Confederation Centre.  The play was great and it was great to spend time with Chris & Aislinn, but for me the real thing of note here was Graham Putnam on stage at Confederation Centre.  Local Boy does good.  It is so good to see "one of us" local theatre guys catch a break on the big stage.  And he nailed it.  
• We snagged last minute tickets to see Jerry Seinfeld in Summerside and Bill Burr in Halifax.  Both shows were great.  
• I had Refractive Lens Exchange (RLE) Surgery in Halifax at Halifax Vision Surgical Centre.  Surgery was yesterday and so far the results are fantastic. Unlike my laser eye surgery (PRK) which fixed my distance and was very dramatic, this surgery replaced the entire lens.  While the surgery will fix all  of my vision including never having cataracts, the main difference for me is reading and using computers and cellphones which I am doing as I type this much easier and with less strain.  I had been noticing this slipping and as I rely more and more on technology and reading, this surgery will hopefully put me ahead of the curve while I am still young enough to enjoy my full range of vision.  That is my hope anyway.  This is day 2, so we will see.  
• Cheryl is still retired and loving it :) - I have tried to play gatekeeper this summer so that Cheryl can focus on Cheryl without having to defer to others needs/wants which is her natural tendency.  I hope this gives her the space she needs to figure out what she wants to do JUST for her.  But most importantly, to have fun.

Random Thoughts

Ok,  This one has been a long time coming.  Gonna be a long one as It is a dump of a bunch of saved notes as well as being a summary of a tumultuous few days.  It all ends well, but strap yourself in for a bumpy ride on this note as it is going to be all over the map.

• Never have the two sides of my personality been so directly apparent, then my radio station choices.  The dulcet CBC tones of official information for my serious side and 93.1FM. Classic Rock for those power drives between work stops to remind me to relax and enjoy the ride. 
• I heard a story about pigs on CBC Radio.  If a farmer loses a pig, he only has a short time to find it before it starts growing tusks and spikes and can no longer be domesticated.  Same could be said for people.  Once we think for ourselves, it is very hard to become domesticated.  Or to fall back into the herd.  Also, maybe we are meant to grow tusks and spikes and the fences are only keeping us as tame pigs.
• Generally I go against the Grain and that's what has worked well for me. Having something resistant to work against has always been my forte and if people are going in one direction, I generally look and can see the positive and seek the other direction, much like salmon swinging against the current.  Not only has it served me well forcing me to work harder, but it often gives me a unique perspective that allows me to make decisions that in the long run usually end up benefitting me.   
• AI represents perfection in a world where we strive to be perfect but we really don't want to attain it because, while we like to be in the sun if you get too close you are going to get burned. 
• I Forgot how important being Nimble is for me.  I was so nimble growing up.  In fact it was probably my defining feature.  I was tiny and short and nimble.  My nibbleness became my advantage growing up being able to do things faster and quicker than others.  This slowed as I aged and became fatter.  It is difficult to be nimble when you are bigger.  I feel nimble again.  Nimble of mind and of body.
• Sometimes I wonder why I treat the world with such solemnity and frustration, but then I remember the journey I have come through to get here, and the mere fact that I wonder at all reminds me that I am growing.
• One thing I am pleased about in my current health state is that people have stop asking me how I am doing with a gentility reserved for three-legged puppies.  I am taking this as a sign that I am getting healthier.
• This one is going to sound really basic, but it took me way too long to start living my life for myself rather than for others.  Simple things like how I set up my home and how I set up my fridge to how I design my house in a manner which is peaceful and relaxing to me are luxuries I didn’t know existed, let alone that I need them. 
• I know I am on the right path when I hear Echoes of my naive little ramblings in the mature wise voices of the past and of my history.

 

TCW

 It has been one month since I have written here.  Purely coincidental, but interesting that it has been that long.  Personally, I take that as a good sign meaning that I have been so busy living and doing, that I haven't had the time to document everything.  

It has been a whirlwind month of change yet again as Cheryl has left her lab tech job at UPEI.  We are calling this the summer of Cheryl.  

I am so grateful for so many things in my life, but this one speaks directly to the fact that Cheryl and I put our personal goals and dreams aside while we raised our family.  We fully accepted our roles at a young age when it was scary and unknown and have spent the last 30 years blazing our own trail.  None of our friends could really relate to everything that was thrown at us at a young age.  But we managed, then succeeded, then thrived.  Being so good at multi-tasking for so long has honed our efficiency and we have a lot of untapped skills that we have developed along the way. 

Now it is time for us to take our foot off the gas, slow down and re-visit our own personal goals and relationship goals.  But now with 30 years of experience, additional resources, a great support network of friends, colleagues and family, and each other's full support having been through the shit that we have, we are better equipped to thrive in the this new rapidly changing world.

To me, TCW represents our relationship.  Tim & Cheryl Wartman.  But TCW is only 100% total.  Theoretically if Cheryl & I were at our absolute perfection we could each throw 50% into the TCW bucket, but that will never happen.  Some days you have a lot to throw into the bucket, some days you have nothing, but if the other person has thrown stuff into the bucket, it is the cumulative total of the bucket that matters.  5% from C & 30% from T = 35%.  Equally, 10% from T & 25% from C =35%. 

Lasting 7 minutes

 I am trying something different.  I am having a down day.  Nothing really wrong, in particular.  Just feeling low.  Normally when this happens, I recognize it and take steps to bring myself up with something from the large arsenal of tools that I have to draw from.  Tools that can remind me of how good my life is.  But, this time, I am going to play into it a bit.  I might not write everything I am thinking in the next few moments, but I am going to dwell in the negative in my head. 

I listened to a comment made by Tom Power, host of Q, on CBC where he indicated that a therapist once induced a full on panic attack in him in a safe place and when he finally came through it, he realized that it was only 7 minutes from start to finish.  7 minutes until the feeling passes and reality sets back in. Hardly worth getting upset over.

I don't know if there is any correlation here, but I find that at my lowest moments I envision the current state as being permanent and never-ending.  Regardless of the old adage, this, too, shall pass, it is difficult to wrap my brain around the concept that, like an ice cream headache, which seems intolerable, the pain will subside.  Conversely, when things are on an ultimate high, this, too, will not last.  

So, in the moments of writing this entry, I have allowed to my mind to process some of my darkest thoughts, and biggest fears knowing that dwelling on them will neither make them a reality, nor will it make them fiction.  They just are.

Simplicity

• Media as I know it has changed so much from the simple formats with a beginning, middle and end, to a a diverse unstructured, unverified, unvalidated format that places the onus on the viewer to determine the value.  In some ways this should be good as we should all be discerning viewers of the content we digest, but on another level, the content just seems to permanently ooze from every digital screen.  We don't so much sit down to watch tv or a movie anymore.  Rather, it is constantly enveloping us and permeates our brains and our culture giving us real time access to too many choices.  
• The key to breaking this pattern is simplicity.  What do we really need in life vs. what has been expertly marketed to us as essential.  I have always been an organizer, but have always downplayed this skill as I was never able to fully envision a world where this skill was not considered odd.
• I spent 30 years trying to keep a family of 5 organized and have developed a lot of useful life hacks and ways to stretch essential dollars farther by focusing on Quality essentials that meet your needs and focusing mental and financial resources on experiences that are relevant, fun, valuable for you.
• Strongly modeled on the "the gentle art of swedish death cleaning", I have been adapting my own principals that keep our "stuff' from getting too chaotic and overwhelming.
• More out of necessity, I am now realizing these skills are even more important to the next generation as they are bombarded more aggressively by companies looking to take their money.
• While the next generation has serious advantges in the coming belt-tightening days as inflation kicks in, they are seriously lacking in simple skills such as fixing things, basic cooking skills, and they are more plugged into the external world than my generation so they are having a difficult time avoiding the distractions of daily life.  A skill I developed as a kid with minimal technology.

Lots of Thoughts

This is mainly just a lot of random thoughts that have been stewing in my brain and I wanted to get them down so I don't lose them.

• I like to watch the watcher.  While other people look at the action of things, I am often a few steps ahead wondering how people are interpreting the data and see what resonates with people.  In some ways I am missing out on the beauty of the moment and the intent for which someone is presenting deliberate information, but in other ways, I see a bigger more fulsome picture of a particular scenario.  Kind of like watching how the sausage is made rather than eating the sausage.  I am fascinated by how people operate.
• Working on my own has made me strive for perfection.  While this is a good thing, I realize that the bar that I set for myself is higher than those set for others around me.  I am hard on myself when I don't accomplish a task to the level which I feel I can maintain, but when I look at others, I realize we are all full of imperfections and striving to do well, and many fail while others succeed.  The thing is, there is no repercussions either way, other than my own self-criticism.  
• I always feel like i am acting.  Maybe that is why theatre has always come naturally to me.  When I am at work, I feel like I am acting like a bureaucrat and when I am in my personal life, I often feel like I am acting to present a version of myself that will resonate with the other party.  I am working on merging these versions to present my true self, but it is often difficult when people have pre-conceived ideas of who you are.  People are reluctant to change, and when presented with a situation, they gravitate toward their past understanding of a given person, regardless of whether that version of the situation no longer exists.
• Sometimes I have to remember that I exist and think in different ways than most people.  It has taken me years to REALLY grasp this idea.  We always tell kids that they are unique and special, but it has only come to my attention over the past couple of years how unique my train of thought, skillset, and mindset truly are.  I have to remember that if I am truly blazing my own trail and trusting my own instinct, I can't rely on others to understand me or have my ideas resonate with others as my mindset has been crafted over years of bucking trends while trying to maintain a status quo and to be successful.  I have used skills that most of my friend group either don't use or don't have access to.   In so many ways I feel like I have been carving my life out with a hammer and chisel and now I have been handed a whole new toolset including a microscope, scalpel, and many smoothing tools to better polish the version of myself that I need to be for me. 
• https://www.cbc.ca/books/just-once-no-more-by-charles-foran-1.6816966   If I haven't already done so, I want to pick up this book as a CBC interview with Charles Foran really resonated with me.  
• I have printed this list, but need to remember when I am feeling low in the morning, here is my routine to bring me to a good place:

1. Wordle
2. Make bed
3. Shower/Bath
4. Hot Tub
5. Alan Watts
6. Music - Peaceful, upbeat, motivating, energetic
7. guitar - acoustic, electric
8. protein shake
9. keep moving.  
10. plan day.
11. Gym - stretch, workout, chest, abs, arms, bike.  
12. Sauna, Steam Room, Shower
13. Biking, walking, beaches, hiking

Feeling my liminal peak slipping

It has been a while since I have posted here.  I am finding it harder to reach into the liminal place that I have spent so long.  I am really hoping that I can hang on longer, but I can feel the real world slipping back in.  

I hope to get back to this moment some day.  I realize that all lows must have highs and all highs must have lows.  I hit my absolute lowest moment when Andrew died, and I have now stretched my highest high to this particular moment in my life.  I have hit such a high in my self awareness, my relationship with Cheryl, my own internal value and my value to those around me.  I see the beauty of watching my kids learn lessons that I failed to grasp at their age and the simplicity and inevitability of the journey both behind and ahead of me.

Along with the beauty of the highest high is the realization and awareness that it can't last.  I am trying to enjoy and squeeze the truth out of the moment knowing that my high will slip into mediocre and possibly low and this could happen at any moment and could be either gradual or instantaneous. 

The beauty of the high is the ephemeral knowledge that it is fleeting.  Like the first flap of bird's wing or the first step of a child, it happens but once.  Anything else is a faded shaded copy. The high can't last. And that is not only ok, but good, because that means the lows also can't last.  The darkest image, the hurtful resentment, the words forever scarred, but with time they recede and lead us back to mediocre and maybe. hopefully. another high.

In the end, it is this high/low process that unifies us all, the constant striving to find our place and to feel peace and connected to the world around us.  

A Mind at Peace

In this world you only have so many chances to look at your memories and remember them before they disappear so all of the lasts becoming infinitely important. Last breaths, last loves, last smells, last hugs, last intimate moments.  If this were to be my last trip with Cheryl I would be so satisfied. 

I woke this morning still on Italian time ruminating about the adventure of the past 2 weeks.  It was no doubt the biggest adventure of our lives and Cheryl and I did it together.  It was like 20 of our "down south trips" wrapped into one and then multiplied exponentially by the beauty and romance of Italy making it invaluable and worth every penny and second we spent on it.  I would gladly double what we paid if I knew how close it would bring us.

Random Thoughts by Tim

• Fingerprint scanners on phones are not an exact science.  You hammer away in dfferent combinations and permutations to try to get a complete picture.  Sometimes, the number gets stuck at the same place and seems to resist natural progression, but the more you hammer away and adjust and adapt, the full picture will be revealed eventually. Such is life.  The more we put ourselves out there into different situations outside our comfort zonei, the more we develop a clearer picture of the real world around us.  
• So many people I know don't have their kids in their lives and my kids are such a great support to me and knowing that they want to come home and are happy to be here and sharing.  I don't think I fully grasp how unique and how good this is at this particular moment in my life I really need this right now
• One of the incorrect things that I learned from Mom is that showing vulnerability will make you look weak, when it is the reverse that is true: showing vulnerability allows people to feel connected to you 
• In so many ways throughout my life, I was more focused on who I thought I was then who I actually was.  
• Each one of us is more than our worst momenta and decisions.
• Some people have a negative narrative constantly playing in their heads, but the worst of these are those who cannot control the flow and it oozes and seeps from all of their pores.  Unable to see the beauty around them, they slither grunt their discontentment at anything that resembles an ear.
• Gordon Lightfoot described songwriting as like going to the dentist.  Painful but necessary.  I feel that way about all of my writing, but while it is painful and hard, it is also cathartic and inevitable.  For me, word choice and nuance are essential and clarifying.
• Interesting perspective from our trip to Italy.  While North Americans picture Christopher Columbus as arriving in America, Italians picture it as 3 ships leaving for a new land.  
• All of the money and pretty things in the world cant buy your peace.
• Italy...a patchwork of makeshift wolutions that generally works.
• Song lyric - I might be a little light-headed,  but baby I'm always clear-headed with you.

Zoning out in Italy

I had planned to write here each day to capture each Italian memory a it blew by, but as is evident by the past few posts, the hypnotic allure of Italy got to me and words failed to materialize in the moment.  

So, instead, I write this belated post within 24 hours of return home in the hopes that some of the memories and images are still solidly enough in my brain to try to capture before they drift away like so much pollen and memories into the air.

I struggle to write authentically here because everything I write sounds trite and pedantic when I really want to express the true and genuine beauty of the past 2 weeks. In truth, this trip has been 50 years in the making.  It is the next step in my personal growth.  I have come to so many realizations about who I am and what has shaped my life and the type of person I want to be in this world.  

In many ways, I have shaped myself to adapt to new situations to "get along" and "not rock the boat" as if it was some kind of prize for being agreeable.  By trying to adapt myself to others and not fully embracing my internal nature, it has made it difficult to "find my people" over the years as I can get along with most people.

Facebook, through it has lots of flaws, provides an interesting perspective on who and what is resonating with people.  I realized through the responses to my posts in Italy who is responding to my posts and who is generally interested in what I have to say.  That is my audience.  There is no sense catering posts for people who are not interested, much in the same way as is futile to cater to people who are not interested in you.  Facebook allows you to see who seems generally interested in your point of view.  This can also become dangerous, however as historically, when too many like-minded people get together and go well or extremely poorly.

That was a long rambling distracting paragraph, but I am playing into just letting the thoughts come out.

Back to Italy.  I have said it so many times over the past week that what the Italians lack in efficiency and convenience, they more than make up for in style in class.  This is true, but after my initial visit, I wonder about the future of Italy.  Undoubtedly, their past is filled with beauty and historical significance, but, in my limited travel, albeit in areas aimed at tourists, I wonder about the future of countries that dwell so much on the past.  Particularly when at each historic site, there are vendors selling cheap plastic models of everything from boxers with a replica of the Statue of David's Penis on the front to tacky touristy dildos in Pompeii.  Does the touristy side circus negate the historical value that the world is being sold about these places of significance?  

I am no stranger to hawking crap to tourists, coming from the land of Anne with an E, but somehow I thought that these historic sites would be different, perhaps due to their historical significance, rather than a fictional red-headed character.   The reality, though, was that, it was exactly the same, albeit on a massive scale.  It is explained how valuable and irreproducible something is, and then they offer you reproductions.

With AI being such a hot topic recently, I wonder about the value of this deep rich history, when a robot could paint in the style of Leonardo Da Vinci, but with a multitude of possibilities.  The Sistine Chapel, but darker, or bigger, or happier or angrier.  It makes me wonder about the intrinsic value of art in general, as well as the nature and accuracy of our history where we have place so much value on finding shortcuts to make human life easier that we are now on the cusp of machines being able to provide our entertainment.  TV, movies, dance, theatre, art, writing, and who knows what new forms of entertainment are still as-of-yet  discovered.  

The question for me is what do humans do now once so much of our basic existence is provided for and on a side arc and a story for another time, how can we still have war?  maybe AI will help us to see beyond our own ignorance.  Or it could go horribly wrong.